


Brasstown Blues

by lw531



Series: Brasstown Blues world [1]
Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: Aged up Love Victor cast, Aged up Victor Salazar, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Benji a recovering alcoholic, Boys grown up, Brasstown, Breaking Up & Making Up, Christmas Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Domestic venji, Fluff, Gay Bar, Hurt/Comfort, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mia Brooks is a mom, Music, On Hiatus, Slow Burn, gayborhood, twelve-step aware
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:27:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 58,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25648804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lw531/pseuds/lw531
Summary: “He definitely is a pretty one,” Iris says holding onto Victor’s face, “isn’t he?”“Uh,” Victor begins to say.“It’s okay,” Iris says, “even the lesbians get a little weak in the knees for that one.”
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell & Lake Meriwether, Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar, Lake Meriwether & Felix Weston, Mia Brooks & Lake Meriwether, Mia Brooks & Victor Salazar, Mia Brooks/Andrew Spencer, Victor Salazar & Armando Salazar, Victor Salazar & Felix Weston, Victor Salazar & Isabel salazar
Series: Brasstown Blues world [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1863076
Comments: 94
Kudos: 90





	1. He's a pretty one isn't he

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new job has brought Victor to Altanta Georgia. he's moved to a gayborhood because he wants to try meeting men the old-fashioned way.   
> He makes his way to Brasstown on Sneaky Beak's night.

If someone told Victor he would be working for a Division 2 basketball team in the South, he’d have laughed at them. Then again, there he was living in a sleek apartment in Grant Park, with plenty of eye candy and the promise of evading both the snow and the desert in which he had spent his childhood and adolescence. Born in New York, raised in northern Arizona, his mother was grateful he lived a few states closer than he had been while going to school in one Carolina to then work in the other. His sister, Pilar, had moved to Miami with her husband, so she was glad to have her kid’s favorite gay uncle a road trip versus an airplane flight away, too. Adrian, having just started his year in the PeaceCorps was now the only cause of stress and frustration for the family, living across national and oceanic borders. 

Georgia’s green was inviting, a little bit like his grandparents' house in Puerto Rico, which he and some of his cousins worked on helping them restore. Victor was looking forward to bringing his nephews there once he settled in, though, if he was realistic, it’d have to be during their next spring break. 

At the end of his second month on the job, his best friend from college, Mia called to check in on him. “Hey, Victor,” she starts their face time conversation, “Charlotte’s not the same without you.”

“Well,” Victor says, “as much as I live near yoga and queer-friendly coffee, getting into the social or dating scene isn’t easy--

“How’s Tinder?”

“A mess,” Victor says, “between guys asking me if I’m a twink or a twunk, I had to deactivate it--

“How are you gonna get out there, Vic?”

“I dunno,” Victor says, “I was thinking of checking out neighborhood bars to see what I could find. Maybe, you know, try the old fashioned way.”

“It’s not like you have to find true love tomorrow,” she says rolling her eyes at him.

“Not everyone finds love in high school, Mia,” he says spotting her high school sweetheart, Andrew, juggling their twins in the background. “How are your girls doing, by the way?”

“Good,” she says turning to them, her smile beaming, “it’s Andrew’s turn to feed them today--

Victor laughed, knowing that Andrew often struggled with taming his daughters, who loved pulling on his ears. 

Mia and Victor exchanged a few stories of the goings-on at work and their families until the twins’ bathtime. Victor rearranged his living room as both the reminder of his romantic and sexual drought racked his brain. “I’m going out,” he says, grabbing his keys. 

Having been there a couple of months, his attempts at hanging out with coworkers werewas, well, limited. Coworkers, mostly straight, were either married or stuck to straight bars. The eye candy he often ran into there didn’t amount to much because nearing thirty, he was tired of one night stands or friends with benefits. 

He was a romantic. He wanted to wine and dine, someone, go camping-- _ I could join the gay outdoors club-- _ he wanted small talk and smiles, and time. He’s an old-fashioned, monogamous romantic that way. 

Victor leaves his building with no clear destination. The street lamps are bright; neighborhood residents and others are scattered on the streets with friends, dates, and partners, looking for something to do. Victor takes a deep breath, grateful to find a place to live in one of Atlanta’s gayborhoods. Some of the people he passed, scanned his long lean figure.  _ Yeah, I work out _ , he thinks to himself. Because he runs with the team, he opted not to join the gay runner’s group. Soccer was different, it was an athlete he didn’t work with and it was the demanding athleticism he missed since leaving college ball. 

On finding a classically hipster yet subtly gay bar, Victor walks in, taking in the art on the walls, the acoustic music overhead, and the laid back vibe he was looking for. Sports bars tended to be exhausting and, if he wanted to hang out at one of those, he could call Chris, the assistant to the defensive coach. Chris had a lay of the land, being born and raised in the ATL. 

He orders a sprite, asking for a lemon slice so that it looks like he’s drinking alcohol. He takes his time with his liquor, especially as he’s scoping out a place, not wanting to lose his inhibitions or tie himself to one bar. 

There’s a stage, there’s art on the wall, barely visible rainbow flags. People are on dates, sitting in booths with friends or, like him, scrolling through their phones as they drink alone. No one at the bar is his type. A bear here, a himbo there. “Would you like another?” Iris the bartender asks, “once the band starts, it gets pretty loud in here.”

“Maybe some mozzarella sticks?”

“Coming up,” Iris says, turning with a smile. 

He went to the bathroom, knowing that he wanted to make sure he took care of himself before the crowd filled. While walking out, he spotted the cutest boy. He was wearing a tank top and carrying an amp in through the backdoor by the restroom. Their eyes met and the boy’s hazel eyes and extra sharp canine teeth glittered on scanning Victor’s form. “Hey,” Victor says, raising a corner of his mouth in a smile. 

“Oh, hey,” the beautiful boy says, walking towards the front, “you staying for the band?”   
Victor nods, following him. “I just got here, so,” Victor explains, “I didn’t know there was going to be a band.”

“Stay for the band,” the beautiful boy says, setting the amp on the stage, “the lead singer’s pretty great.”

“Yeah,” Victor asks as the beautiful boy turns around.

“Oh yeah,” the beautiful boy answers with a smile exposing the most adorably sharp canine teeth. “Definitely--Benji,” the beautiful boy says offering a hand. 

“Victor,” Victor answers taking it. 

“You new around here, huh?” Benji asks as he returns to the amp, plugging it in. 

“Never been here before,” Victor says. 

“Good place and good food,” Benji says wiping his hand on his acid wash, fashionably ripped jeans, “Welcome to Brasstown, Victor,” he says walking away. 

Victor goes back to his barstool, his mozzarella sticks landing in front of him. “Let me know if you need anything else,” Iris says with a smile. 

“Thanks,” Victor says, picking up a mozzarella stick. 

Before she goes too far, he then asks, “What time does the band start?”

“In an hour,” Iris answers, wiping down the drink prep station, “The Sticky Beaks.”

Victor chuckles. 

“Yeah,” Iris says shaking her head and smiling, “I know. At least Benji stopped covering other people’s songs and writing his own.”

“Benji?” Victor asks. 

“Yeah,” Iris says, “the lead singer you just met--they’re our Friday night band--

“Oh,” Victor says, face warming. 

“He definitely is a pretty one,” Iris says holding onto Victor’s face, “isn’t he?”

“Uh,” Victor begins to say. 

“It’s okay,” Iris says, “even the lesbians get a little weak in the knees for that one.”

Victor turns to the stage, Benji setting up the mics as other bandmates bring their equipment. He was definitely going to be a regular. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been beta'd by Tumblr's @nxvixtion <3 <3 Up next, Benji's POV ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe not for long,” Janae says, “I saw you making eyes at the newbie.”
> 
> “What?” Benji asks, face getting warm, “no…”
> 
> “You forget, white boy,” Janae says leading him into the bar, “your skin’s too pale to hide that blush.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of Victor's first night at Brasstown from Benji's point of view.

He couldn’t help talk to the pretty, dark-skinned twunk. Despite the dark color of his eyes, they shone brightly. The long lanky eye candy made plaid shirts under a sheep lined jean jacket look good. Sober for over a year, it was okay to look, right? 

After he set up the amp he brought in and the bar’s mics, the rest of Sticky Beaks joined him. 

Classically hipster Matt, keyboardist, adjusts his hat after he sets his keys on the stand says, “I hope it’s a nice crowd this week--the douche from last week was--

“Yeah,” Benji says with a chuckle, “I think he was lost.

“Definitely,” Gwen says as her girlfriend, Janae, helps carrying the floor tom and the tom rack.

“Are the bass and snare still in the--

“Yeah,” Janae says, “thanks.”

On the way to get them, Benji passes by the bar, catching Victor’s gaze. He can’t help but run his fingers through his hair. Its silkiness is part of his game, he knows that much. Since high school it’s what brought all the boys to his yard. 

As he’s loading the bass and the snare on their cart, Janae joins him, grabbing the cymbals, saying, “Thanks for helping out.”

“Of course,” Benji says, “I have the lightest equipment.”

“Maybe not for long,” Janae says, “I saw you making eyes at the newbie.”

“What?” Benji asks, face getting warm, “no…”

“You forget, white boy,” Janae says leading him into the bar, “your skin’s too pale to hide that blush.” 

He can’t help but laugh, following her. 

Their set goes well between a douche free crowd and a smooth, awkward boy holding his eyes on Benji the entire night. Benji does his best to engage with the other eyes in the crowd. The connection to them, the way he flirts with every single one that brings them back every week. Still, as he sees twinks swaying their arms, studs rocking their hips, the eyes in the back of the room draw him in. It’s like he’s not singing to anyone else. No one else matters but those night sky eyes so willing to blanket the dreams he’d forgotten he was missing. 

As the bar starts to close, Matt, Gwen and Janae start loading the van. When they’re outside, Derek sets his hand on the small of Benji’s back, saying, “That was a great show.”

“Thanks,” Benji says walking out of Derek’s touch. “How’s Kyle?”

“In Houston,” Derek answers.

“And Alex?” Benji asks, “wasn’t he the guy from last week?”

“That’s where he stayed,” Derek answers reaching out for Benji’s hair.

“Maybe you should join him,” Benji, “we’ve talked about this--

“Sorry,” Derek says, “on nights like tonight it’s...difficult.”

“A cold shower should help,” Benji says as Janae and Matt reapproach the stage. 

“Derek?” Matt asks, “Seriously.”

“What?!”

Janae shakes her head, “we’re gone for one second and--

“What,” Derek declares like he did  nothing wrong. 

“You okay?” Janae asks Benji, setting her hand on his shoulder. 

“Yeah,” he says offering her a smile, “he’s just lonely and miserable.”

“I won’t leave till he does,” Janae says, “okay?”

“Thanks,” Benji answers, setting a hand over Janae’s, “I’ll just…”

He looks up and around, hoping to catch Victor still there. He shakes his head, looks to Janae, and shrugs, “I guess I’ll just head home early.”

Walking to his car, he sticks his hands in his pockets, thinking about the effect Victor had on him. He wonders if he’ll ever see Victor again. 


	3. Horrible Matchmakers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look familiar,” she says, narrowing her eyes at him a little, sizing him up.  
> “New here?”  
> “Were you at Brasstown Friday night?”  
> “Yeah,” he says, eyes darting a little, he scans her figure, “but I was there by myself...in the back.”  
> “Benji’s Victor,” she says out loud, “I’m Janae.”  
> “Benji’s Victor?”

After soccer, Victor makes his way to High Octane. The cafe is moderately filled with hipster lesbians, college students from what he can see as he walks towards it. A distinguished Black man sits outside with his dog, as though he’s taking in the sun. “Good afternoon,” Victor says to him, tipping his head. 

“Good afternoon,” the man says, tipping his head in response, “my daughter makes good coffee.”

Victor smiles, “I come recommended by a friend.”

“Oh, good,” he says with a smile, “be kind to my Janae.”

“Of course,” Victor says, crossing his brows for a minute.  _ Why is this guy waiting outside?  _

On walking in, the line from the cashier is moderately small. Victor takes the waiting time to review the menu. He loves the brick wall aesthetic, the industrial-themed furniture. It’s not trying to look old, worn, or bohemian chic. It’s a cafe focusing on its utility, clean smooth lines with seating at chairs, stools set under counters against the wall, a color scheme of black, silver, and wooden brown. 

Despite the variety of flavored syrups on shelves behind the baristas, he went with a simple cafe latte. Nothing like his grandmother’s cafe con leche, but it was a start. On paying, he went to the small crowd waiting by the pickup area, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He looks to find Pilar texting him about summer plans--weeks in advance because she’s a planner. He doesn’t bother with responding, because Pilar will need a full itinerary, which he won’t be able to provide until he gets to the office. Pre-season training starts in July and he’ll have to double-check when’s the latest he can come back for it. 

As names are called out, he begins looking up, not wanting to be the guy too stuck on his phone to pay attention. He worked as a barista through college, he knows how customers can get. “Victor,” a soft stud with dreadlocks calls out. 

“Thanks,” he says, reaching for the cup. 

“You look familiar,” she says, narrowing her eyes at him a little, sizing him up.

“New here?”

“Were you at Brasstown Friday night?”

“Yeah,” he says, eyes darting a little, he scans her figure, “but I was there by myself...in the back.”

“Benji’s Victor,” she says out loud, “I’m Janae.” 

“Benji’s Victor?” he asks. “But you weren’t on stage, at least I don’t think.”

“My girlfriend is,” Janae says smoothing her hand over her locks. “My girlfriend’s the drummer.”

“Ah,” Victor says nodding, “gotcha.”

As Janae looks around, Victor says, “Well, I’ll let you get back to work.”

“My break’s in an hour,” she says, “let me get you another coffee then, yeah?” 

“Sure,” he says, chuckling.

“Cool,” she says with a sigh and a smile. 

He takes a stool by the window, opening his Libby app and opening Rice-Gonzalez’s  _ Chulito.  _ By the time he’s wrapping up the novel, Janae brings out another cafe, smiling. “Sorry,” she says,” handing him the to-go cup, I wanted to apologize for the whole “Benji’s Victor” thing.”

Victor laughs before taking a sip of the coffee, “Uh, I was pretty obvious,” he admits, “I mean, even if you picked up on it--”

“He hasn’t looked at anyone like that in a while,” she says, as they walk outside.

“Me either,” Victor thinks out loud, “I mean--

Janae laughs as she sits next to the older man Victor greeted on walking in. 

“Dad,” she says, “this is Victor. Victor, this is my dad, Mister Kenny Cooper.”

“Nice to meet you, Mister Cooper,” Victor says, offering him his hand again. 

“I like to people watch,” he admits as his dog sets his head-on, “and Janae likes to keep an eye on me.”

“At least it’s warm enough to be outside,” Janae says leaning on her dad. “You’re new here--to the neighborhood I mean.” 

Victor nods, “Moved out here for work. Grateful to be in  _ this  _ neighborhood.”

“I know,” she says, “my family’s lived here for a while now.”

“No matter who decided to--we stayed. We persisted.”

“I hear that,” Victor says sitting down across from them, knowing he’s in for a conversation. He stays long after Janae’s break ends, taking in Kenny’s stories. Kenny reminded him of his own grandfather, different town, same stories. 

As the sun began to lower behind distant trees and buildings, Janae came out again. “Time to go,” she says, “still here?” 

Victor nods, “your dad reminds me of my grandfather--

“I’m not that old,” Kenny says standing up from his chair. 

“Sorry,” Victor says, “he was my favorite person--

“Then never mind,” Kenny says with a smile. 

He walks them through the neighborhood. He talks to them about his grandfather, his life in the Carolinas, which brought him out here. They talk to him about other Black-owned businesses he should frequent and the history of their band the Squeaky Beaks . Somehow, they make it to Kenny and Janae’s house, Gwen sitting on the front porch rocking chair, taking in what looks like sweet tea. “Hey, hey, hey,” she says getting up from her seat. She comes down the stairs, grabs the leash from Kenny, and then kisses her girlfriend. “Why are you always picking up strays, Janae?”

“This is  _ Victor,”  _ Janae says wiggling her eyebrows. “From Brasstown the other night?”

Gwen’s eyes widen and she slowly slides them to take Victor in, “Benji’s Victor?”

“Sorry,” Janae says to Victor,” I didn’t--

“These two are  _ horrible  _ matchmakers,” Kenny said walking up the stairs, “horrible.”

“Dad!” they both exclaimed, “Rude!”   
“You done kidnapped this good-looking fool for what?!” he asks as he reaches the door, “ _ horrible!”  _

He walks in and Gwen’s the one to apologize this time, “We are,” she says, “but you should stay for dinner.”

“You just met me,” Victor says, chuckling.

“And you’ve been alone every place we’ve crossed you,” Janae says throwing an arm around him, “C’mon.”


	4. Dinner Guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he’s wrapping up his ride, he hears a ding in his phone. He mounts off, walks out of the way to check his phone. “Cooking dinner.”  
> He texts Kenny, “Thanks,” adding, “do you need me to bring anything.”  
> “Nope,” Kenny texts.  
> Benji checks traffic and makes his way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Benji's POV
> 
> AA - Alcoholics Anonymous   
> Benji's been sober for over a year

It was a risk, Matt and Gwen agreed, to let Derek join the band. Derek was Benji’s first boyfriend, the cool older guy who stayed with him even as he started Georgia State. Derek, ten years ago, had been the guy who introduced Benji to the gay world. He wasn’t the first boy Benji kissed. He was the first boy who wanted to be Benji’s boyfriend. And, until he grew weary of Derek’s anti-high school mindset--sparked by how cruel his school was in comparison to Creekwood--and Benji decided he’d rather be single than be with a guy who started to look down at him for everything that, at the beginning of their relationship, was sweet. 

Since being allowed in the band, Friday was the second time Derek explicitly made a move. Derek’s behavior reminds him of how, in response to being alone, he goes for whatever guy shows up and acts nice or, as he did when his mother died, he drinks. As much as seeing a cute boy the other day reminds him he can feel, Derek’s behavior reminds him of the reason he still goes to AA meetings. After a year, he still struggles with talking. He listens to those who start first, and then when he musters some courage, he starts, “He would call me, once I moved back home, every time he broke up with someone,” Benji begins to say, “I didn’t have really long relationships in college. I didn’t want one  _ then,  _ but I wanted one when I was out--and, at first, I thought he did too,” Benji continues. “It didn’t take me long to realize, he didn’t...I think my friends are right,” he says taking a deep breath. “I was so confused because I know. I know I’m ready and, it’s just...I can’t go back…”

His story prompted another member, Xander, to talk about their relapse after running into their uncle at the grocery store. As difficult as they each had it, listening to the powerlessness in other people’s lives, he was committed to following his friends’ advice. He listens without trying to put his brain to work like he usually does. It’s the combination of his design and teacher brain, wanting to problem solve. He checks himself as he listens, picking at his cuticles when he gets nervous. 

He helps Sam put up the chairs and clear the dishes. In the community center’s kitchen, they talk about their plans for the rest of the day. “I think I’m going to the Zoo,” Sam says as they exit the kitchen. 

“I think I’m just gonna take a ride to nowhere,” Benji says, “feel the wind in my hair, you know.”

Sam shrugs, “See you next time!”

“Later!” 

Benji gets on his bike, snaps his helmet on, and sets out for the Westline trail, hoping to arrive home exhausted. 

As he’s wrapping up his ride, he hears a ding on his phone. He mounts off, walks out of the way to check his phone. “Cooking dinner.” 

He texts Kenny, “Thanks,” adding, “do you need me to bring anything.”

“Nope,” Kenny texts. 

Benji checks traffic and makes his way home. 

Walking up the stairs, he hears laughter and the clanging of plates. He’s eternally grateful that his college roommate Gwen invited him to move into her and Janae’s family home. Janae and Gwen bought it off her dad after they got married. He had a room on the ground floor, easy for his knees, and they converted the attic into a loft that served as their bedroom and lounge area. As though they were still in high school, the band still practiced in the garage. On walking into the house, sustaining the charm of southern homes with updated furniture. It was a monument to the past, to the history of Black South in ways that made his heart warm and his soul a little humble. 

On walking back to the dining room, he couldn’t hide the surprise of their guest. Victor, if he remembers his name correctly, is helping Gwen set the table, napkins, and plates and everything like he’s a staple in the house. The smile on his face won’t quit, especially when Victor looks up and says, “Oh,” his eyes blowing up, a hint of flush against his cheeks, “Janae--

Kenny walks in at that moment and says, “you know Janae and her strays--

“Did Buttons eat and--

“Yeah,” Victor answers, “he’s tied up outside--

Gwen brings in the greens salad she probably made from whatever she picked up at the farmer’s market mixed with whatever was in season in their backyard. “Oh, perfect timing!” She says beaming. 

“Uh,” Benji begins darting his eyes between his housemates, “strays?”

“Yeah,” Janae says, “I remembered his face from Brasstown and I remember Iris telling me never touched alcohol that night--

“Iris!?” Victor exclaimed, putting his hand on his face.

“Oh,” Gwen says setting the salad on the table, “you talked to Iris about ‘im, when I didn’t--

“You talked to Iris,” Benji asks, blinking slowly and lowering his head. 

Janae rolls her eyes and says, “Victor, can you go grab the vegan barbeque?”

“Sure,” he answers, meeting Benji’s eyes with a soft shrug before he turns to the kitchen. 

“How did you,” Benji begins to say, “why did you--

“I saw the way you were looking at him,” Janae says, “and I saw you looking for someone after--

“Wow, just,” he says, taking in a deep breath, “wow. You’ve never done this before--not even you Gwen?!”

“What?!” Gwen asks in a hissed whisper, “he’s a cool guy who’s lived across the South and in the East coast and--”

“It’s rude to talk about guests when they’re in the other room,” Kenny reminds them as he takes his seat at the foot of the table, “and he’s a very kind young man.”

“Not you, too, Kenny,” Benji pleads, bending down to hug his neck.

“I love Janae’s strays,” he says patting Benji’s arm. “Even you--

“Technically,” Gwen says, “I’ve known him since high school.”

“And you’re not a "stray"?” Kenny asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Dad!” Gwen and Janae exclaim, before bending over in laughter. 

Benji’s face hurts from smiling and when Victor comes back with the barbeque beautifully presented on a serving plate, he can’t help but run his fingers through his hair again. “I’ll be right back,” Benji says, “I gotta wash my hands.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is too much fun, I'm obviously using characters from other fics for the sake of the Love Victor world I'm creating. 
> 
> Is it too ambitious to want this done by this week?!? We will see. It's been in my head since I started watching Love Victor


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benji furrowed his eyebrows and asked, “You didn’t show him?”
> 
> Gwen shook her head no, “That’s your job,” she answers, “after you clean the kitchen and--
> 
> “I’ll help,” Victor offers, trying to control his heartbeat, “I mean, if that’s okay.”
> 
> “Sure,” Benji says, tucking a lock behind his ear. 
> 
> “Steal him, make him cook and then clean,” Kenny playfully scolds, “next you’re gonna make him pay rent!”
> 
> or Victor stays to help Benji clean up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so much fun to write, thank you for reading!! :) :)

Victor can’t say he’s surprised he was swept up by Janae, her wife and her father. It’s a thing that Latinos back home did--both in New York and Arizona.  _ Take strays  _ as Kenny had said. He eats his first vegan meal since landing in Atlanta. While still an omnivore, he had enough gay, queer, and lesbian friends both in college and at work to gain exposure and, well, a particular taste for it. He loved being kidnapped because, well, it had been so long since he had had a family style dinner. 

He missed it being away from home for as long as he’d been. He’d get the loud sobrinos and cousins when he’d go back to Arizona for the holidays. His mom, Isabel had become the matriarch once getting married to Roger allowed her to buy the kind of house that could host so many people. 

Janae and Gwen had a good rhythm, subtle ways they couldn’t not be touching each other or sharing space. He could see them age that way, surrounded by family and friends. He was grateful to make friends so quickly, people willing to rope him into their world just because he was making eyes at their friend. Their friend who, over dinner, tries his best not to hold Victor’s eyes or ask too many of the questions Janae and Gwen had already asked. That leaves Victor, to ask most of the questions.

Benji, Atlanta born and raised, is the youngest of three, working with preschoolers by day, sustaining involvement in a band by nights, a vegan in progress who prefers riding his bicycle across town instead of a car and who loved his housemates like family. He’d gone to University of Georgia, been a darling in class because not many boys wanted to work with preschoolers, and he loved helping Gwen with her growing garden, because it gave him something to do. 

Victor listens, partially hypnotized by the way Benji worried his lips and blinked his long lashes, partially warmed by the pretty boy who talked with his hands not that much differently than his roommates and who helped clear the table without being asked. He brought out a tray of sun tea brewed with a blend of leaves from the farmer’s market and herbs from their backyard. “So,” Victor says, “are you going to show me this backyard of yours that has all this magic?”

Benji furrowed his eyebrows and asked, “You didn’t show him?”

Gwen shook her head no, “That’s your job,” she answers, “after you clean the kitchen and--

“I’ll help,” Victor offers, trying to control his heartbeat, “I mean, if that’s okay.”

“Sure,” Benji says, tucking a lock behind his ear. 

“Steal him, make him cook and then clean,” Kenny playfully scolds, “next you’re gonna make him pay rent!”

“Daddy,” Gwen says helping him out of his chair, “he  _ offered  _ to cut the vegetables, no one _ made  _ him cook.”

“I think he helped because  _ you  _ were complaining about your arthritis anyway,” Janae says, grabbing on to his other arm. 

Victor watches them go, wondering if this was their plan since meeting him. “No wonder he calls them troublemakers,” Victor says following him into the kitchen. 

Victor rolls up his sleeves and then asks, “where do you want me to start?”

“You don’t have to,” Benji offers grabbing a rag from the top drawer to the left of the sink. 

“I miss eating with people,” Victor says, “being single and new in a city is, in a word,  _ rough,  _ even when I was in Charlotte, I was down the street from my best friend and her kids, a staple for Sunday dinners.”

“That’s so sweet,” Benji says, “can you help clear the food scraps into the compost bin?”

Victor nods, “Where can I find it?”

“It’s a five gallon bucket outside the back door there,” Benji answers. 

Victor goes out the back door, finds the bucket to his right as their dog barks at the sound of the screen door swinging. “You know,” Victor says as he sets the bucket next to the sink, “I never got the dog’s name.”

“Buttons,” Benji says as he searches for the sink stopper under the sink. “He followed Janae home a couple years back and hasn’t left since.” 

Victor nods, grabbing the top plate from the stack and beginning to scrape into the bin. “Hence Kenny’s comments about strays…”

“Yeah,” Benji answers as Victor hands him a clean plate to soak in the sink. “I want you to know that I didn’t ask them to...that I didn’t--

“You have metiche friends,” Victor says, “God, the times my friends tried to play matchmaker in college...“

“Yeah?”

Victor nods grabbing another plate to scrape, “it’s like I needed to be with a guy, in any capacity for as long as--and it was cool for a while. My friend Mia who lives in Charlotte, was one of the most eager but,” he says handing Benji the plate when he’s done, “it was fun to not take dating seriously, especially when I had  _ no _ idea where I was gonna end up, you know?”

“Hmm,” Benji says gathering the cutlery from the island and throwing it the tub soak, “no strings in college--

“Exactly,” Victor says grabbing another plate from the pile, “I mean Mia and her high school sweetheart were attached at the hip, and they brought me along to because I was the brother they never had but,” Victor says holding Benji’s gaze as he hands him another plate, “I miss the butterflies.”

“Me, too,” Benji says, letting his hand graze Victor’s. 

“I thought you and the bass player were--

“No,” Benji says, clearing his throat and turning to the dishes, “he’s just a flirt.”

“Oh,” Victor breathes, his heart quickening in his chest. “He just--

“Is that way you left?” Benji asks before he loses his nerve, “I know I didn’t ask you to stay but--

“Yeah,” Victor admits as he hands Benji the final plate, “and I’m really glad Janae remembered my face.”

“Me, too,” Benji says as they move on to the pots, pan, and salad bowls, “Me, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These kudos are just <3 <3 <3, thank you, thank you, thank you!! They taste better than chocolate and I LOVE chocolate ;) 
> 
> metiche means meddlesome


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So,” Victor says leaning in, “why’d they call me your Victor?”  
> “Benji lifts the hand not holding on to Victor’s shoulder to his face, “Oh, God, I almost--this is so embarrassing.”  
> Victor’s reaches for the hand Benji’s using to cover his face as he says, “What is?”  
> “I told them about, you know, bumping into you and,” Benji explains peeking through an opening in his fingers, a nervous laugh escaping him, “and Janae said she saw you, you know, checking me out and--  
> “I was,” Victor says, working to pry Benji’s hand off his face, “and it sounds like I made an impression…”  
> “Yeah,” Benji says as Victor inches his face closer, “you did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Venji, even in your 20s you're awkward gays. ;)

Between Victor insisting on leaving the kitchen cleaner than it had been before dinner, and bringing Buttons back in, they didn’t have time to look at the food garden he and Gwen had worked on since he moved in. Instead, they made their way to the front room, taking in the sounds of Atlanta nights while drinking the remaining sun tea with Gwen and Janae. Kenny had gone to his room, air pods drowning out the sounds of the night and the young people’s laughter as Janae recounted her day at Octane. 

Benji didn’t want Victor to leave, not with the way his knee kept bumping into his own as he laughed. Not with the way he’d rest his hand on Benji’s knee if the story was too much to contain. It’s like he was watching this man flirt with him and be at home with him from outside his own skin. Benji risks setting his own hand against Victor’s back and, much to his delight, Victor doesn’t flinch. And, the next time Victor laughs and sets his hand on Benji’s knee. “Well,” Gwen says standing up to stretch, “don’t be a stranger, Victor.”

“Thanks,” he says getting up. “I did miss a home cooked meal…”

“Stay,” Janae says waving for Victor to sit down, “just because we’re “old ladies” doesn’t mean you have to be.” 

Benji stretches his arms across the back of the couch as Victor sits back down. As the women move past them, Gwen squeezes Benji's shoulder while Janae yawns. 

Victor and Benji’s yawns shortly follow. 

“Sorry,” Victor says covering his mouth.

“It’s a sign you’re not a sociopath,” Benji says scanning Victor’s face,” yawning  _ is contagious. _ ”

“Oh yeah,” Victor says, leaning back into the couch, “though studies have been inconclusive.”

“Hmm,” Benji says, eyes focused on Victor’s lips, his fingers making their way to Victor’s shoulder. 

“So,” Victor says leaning in, “why’d they call me your Victor?”

“Benji lifts the hand not holding on to Victor’s shoulder to his face, “Oh, God, I almost--this is so embarrassing.”

Victor’s reaches for the hand Benji’s using to cover his face as he says, “What is?”

“I told them about, you know, bumping into you and,” Benji explains peeking through an opening in his fingers, a nervous laugh escaping him, “and Janae said she saw you, you know, checking me out and--

“I was,” Victor says, working to pry Benji’s hand off his face, “and it sounds like I made an impression…”

“Yeah,” Benji says as Victor inches his face closer, “you did.”

Victor’s lips are perfect when they land on Benji’s. Victor parts for a second and on catching Benji’s smile, goes in again, smoothing his thumb against Benji’s cheek. 

Benji, not having kissed anyone in over a year, feels his body reawaken, touch starved, and he reaches to hold Victor’s hand steady against his face as his other arm wraps around Victor’s neck. 

When Victor pulls him close, Benji lets them turn so that Victor’s back is against the couch. Despite his positioning, Victor takes more charge, moving his hand from Benji’s face to grabbing at his hair in a way that makes Benji whimper.  _ What the fuck  _ Benji thinks to himself until, in a brief pause for breath, he finds Victor’s lips smiling into their next kiss, running his tuck over Benji’s bottom lip while humming a “Mm.”

Their tongues feel sinfully delicious against each other, and it’s all Benji can do to not grab at Victor’s shirt and see what other delights the sweet man has. He feels so good in Benji’s hands. Victor’s hands feel good on him, too, melting every part of him they touch. 

“Wow,” Victor says as he moves his hand from the back of Benji’s hand to his chin.

“Yeah,” Benji says as Victor lays a small peck on his lips. 

With his eyes still focused on Benji’s lips, Victor takes a deep breath, his lips puffed from so much kissing. 

“I should stop,” Victor says resting his hands on Benji’s legs. 

“You should?” Benji asks, his pitch climbing despite himself. 

“I don’t want to,” Victor says squeezing his leg, “I mean it’s not because I don’t want to.”

“Oh,” Benji says, “oh, good.”

“Yeah?” Victor asks, tucking a lock of Benji’s hair behind his ear. 

Benji nods, worrying his bottom lip, saying, “Yeah.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You good? I'm good :) 
> 
> So, what next, I wonder...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another night at Brasstown

Walking into Brasstown on Friday is a little awkward. Iris gives him a head nod from her place behind the bar. He walks up to the bar and asks for soda with lime, like the last time. “Good to see you back,” Iris says as she pours his drink.

“Yeah,” he says, “all the queer baristas and bartenders gotta stick together right?!”

Iris laughs, “when did you see Janae?”

“I checked out Octane, “Victor answers, “everyone seems to know each other in this neighborhood.”

Iris shrugs. “We gotta watch out for each other,” she explains, “and you seemed like a good guy, all googly eyed for Benji,” adding, “I make it a point to be good at reading people.”

“Thanks,” Victor says as she sets his drink in front of him, “and that’s good. I’m from a small town in Arizona and it was pretty much the same way, especially among--

Iris nods, “I moved into the city, luckily I didn’t get here empty-handed, you know. And the community’s been useful.”

In between customers arriving and the bar getting packed, chat about the LGBT chamber of commerce, Victor’s slow integration into the soccer league as he’s one of the younger and one of a few single players, and what it’s like working in a het male dominated arena. “I mean,” Victor admits, “I don’t scream gay so it’s not horrible.”

“But you’re afraid that’s only going to last as long as you’re single?”

Victor shrugs, “Yeah--I mean, I dunno, it’s too early to tell.”

“Hmm,” she says as another customer comes to the bar, “be right back.”

He turns to take in the crowd. He remembers some of the faces from the week before but most are new to his brain. He twirls the straw in his drink, too nervous about seeing Benji to get anything. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s been that nervous. Maybe high school? 

“Hey,” he hears from someone on his right, “Derek.”

“Uh,” Victor says, “Victor?”

“You sure?” Derek asks. 

Victor furrows his brows, “depends on who’s asking.”

“Derek!” Iris yells, “Matt here yet?”

“No,” he answers rolling his eyes to look at her, “I mean, I just got here a little early--

“Want anything to drink before the band starts?” 

“I’m good,” he answers, offering the fakest grin Victor’s ever seen. 

“Lemme know if you need anything,” Iris says, smiling all the while her nostrils were flaring. 

Her face literally say,  _ this guy’s a douche.  _

“Look at that,” Victor says taking his phone out of his pocket, “I gotta take this.”

He walks away from Derek, risking losing his seat as still more people walk in. He nods at the bouncer as he goes outside, taking in the darkening sky and the fresh air. He feels the humidity, very different from the Carolinas and Puerto Rico, as though where you live tells sweaty air how to stick to your skin. He takes off his jacket, which he usually wears as a barrier between people, and leans against the building, daydreaming about Benji’s lips. 

“Hey,” he hears from a familiar and friendlier voice.

“Hey, Janae,” he answers.

“I heard Derek’s here?”

Victor nods. 

“Are you and Iris like psychic or something?”

“She’s like my work sister,” Janae explains, “we look out for each other in this gay male dominated world, so not psychic, just gossipy and petty.”

Victor chuckles, “Got it.”

“Benji will be meeting Gwen out back if you wanna help unload--

“Sure,” Victor says, “lead the way.”

Within a matter of minutes, Victor feels like a groupie, or a techie, he can’t remember the word because he doesn’t know a lot of musicians. But he’s helping them set up the stage, catching Benji’s eyes every so often. Every time he catches Benji looking at him--or is Benji’s catching Victor looking at him--he’s smiling. 

“Thanks,” Benji says, “you’re really sweet.”

“No problem,” Victor says, taking Benji’s hand, “I’ll just go over there,” Victor says pointing behind him. 

He bends a little to give Benji a kiss on the cheek. 

“See you later,” Benji says as Victor lifts his face. 

Walking through the crowd and sitting at the bar, Victor things to himself,  _ How am I so far gone?  _

He helps the band load the drums and a couple amps in Gwen’s van, getting to know Matt in the meanwhile. Despite Derek’s passive-aggressive attempts to get to know him better, all it takes is looking at the way Derek eyes Benji to figure out why Iris didn’t want him to be alone with the turd at the bar. He’s not harmful, but he  _ is  _ slimy. “Babe,” Victor says as Janae closes the back doors of the van, “you ready?”

“Yeah,” Benji says, eyes sparking as he nears Victor. 

As Benji grabs his hand, Victor says, “Oh yeah, nice meeting you, Derek!”  
He doesn’t wait for a response. Benji laughing into his arm is enough as they make their way away from the bar. 

“So,” Benji asks, “where’s your car?”

“Oh,” Victor answers, “I live in the neighborhood, so…”

“So you walked to Brasstown,” Benji asks.

“I hope it’s okay,” Victor says pausing their step. 

“It’s fine,” Benji says, pulling Victor along, “I mean, we’re just talking right?”

“Right,” Victor says, “Just talking.”

“Good,” Benji says, tightening his grip on Victor’s arm.

“Is it okay if I ask about Derek?” Victor asks. 

Benji sighs and says “sure, but not right now?”

Victor nods, “No?”

Benji shakes his head, “I just wanna think about you right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Victor's pad from Benji's perspective ;)


	8. Cuddles

Victor lives in a residential area, The subtlety of architecture blends the building in with the two story homes around it. On crossing the porch’s threshold, Benji follows Victor up the stairs to his second floor apartment. Victor’s cake, that’s for sure. Following him up the stairs, Benji can better take in his long, lean legs and tight ass. When they reach the landing, Benji clears his throat, as Victor opens the door and turns on his apartment’s lights. 

“Do I take off my shoes or,” Benji starts to ask as Victor walks deeper into his apartment. 

“Shoes are fine,” Victor says, “hardwood floors, so, shoes are fine.” 

Benji walks in and takes in the modern furniture, the updated appliances, open concept update. It doesn’t feel like the Atlanta homes he grew up in.

“Looks like your landlords really snazzed this place up,” Benji says taking in the family photos on the wall, the contrast of the sleek lines of Victor’s dining table with the plush roundness of his matching sofa, loveseat and arm chair. 

“Yeah,” Victor says, “I looked hard because, you know, I was working hard to not get that outdated, recently out of school apartment.”

Benji nods, “eventually I wanna move out on my own,” adding, “it’s just that the last time I was didn’t really work out so well for me.”

“Do you want anything to drink--water, soda, or--

“Water’s good,” Benji says sitting down on the sofa, “Thanks.”

“So,” Victor says on returning to the living room, “how’d you come to live with Janae and Gwen?”

“Well,” Benji says, “shortly after they married, Gwen got a promotion and Janae broke even with Octane so, you know, they bought the house from Gwen’s dad. They wanted to rent a room to help them cover the mortgage, you know, and I knew Gwen from high school and then college, so...it came at a perfect time for me. I thought it’d be weird living with a married couple but they’re communal people and, even outside of the band, there’s always people in the house, you know, so it doesn’t feel like I’m a third wheel.” 

“Hmm,” Victor hums, keeping his eyes on Benji. “That  _ is  _ an art, not all couples can do that, you know, and still be okay.”

“I agree,” Benji says, “they’re really good about sneaking out when people who feel at home stay longer than planned...and their entire upstairs is like their own apartment--without a kitchen.”

‘Cool,” Victor says, taking a sip from his water. I’d like to buy a house in a couple of years, when I have more time here, you know?”

Benji shrugs, “I teach preschool, so house buying was never really something I thought about--

“Oh,” Victor says looking at ground. “I wouldn’t have thought about buying a house on my last income. I was grateful I could afford to live in the same neighborhood as Mia and Andrew, but, enough about me,” Victor says looking up at Benji, “you were great tonight.”

“Thanks,” Benji says, running his fingers through his hair, “I’m so grateful Iris lets us perform there every week--

“You appear to keep her busy, though,” Victor says. “I’m pretty sure the crowd comes for the band.”

Benji shrugs, “I was so worried about Derek tonight, he can get moody when he doesn’t get what he wants.”

“What does he want?”

“Me,” Benji says without hesitation, “he treats me like second best until someone better comes along. I was trying to make sure you didn’t get too much time alone with him--

“Iris even tried to,” Victor says thinking about it, “keep him from engaging with me.”

Benji can’t help but laugh. “She’s seen me at my worst; my lesbian friends treat me better than the guys.”

“That sucks,” Victor says smoothing his hand on Benji’s knee. 

“Eh,” Benji says, “I’m an old-fashioned, monogamous, slow moving guy--like older gay men but not an older gay men.”

Victor nods, “I know what you mean--

“And Derek is one of those  _ I don’t like romance or grand gesture kind of guy  _ and I--I like that kind of stuff,” Benji says, turning to face Victor.

Benji finds Victor’s eyes focusing on his lips, which warms his cheeks and all his insides. It’s been almost a week since they’ve made out, so Benji’s not sure what to do. 

“May I?” Victor asks, running his fingers through Benji’s hair. 

Benji nods, gulps some hair, as Victor closes the gap between them to kiss him. Benji allows himself to lean into it more fully this time, and Victor brings them to lie down on the sofa, Benji on top, their legs between each other’s. Victor tightens his grip on Benji’s waist. Benji sits up, takes off his shirt, leaving his undershirt on, eager to have less layers between them. 

As he leans back in to return to kissing Victor, Victor says, “Wait,” and takes off his own shirt. 

“I can’t remember the last time I did this sober,” Benji says, watching Victor’s flushed face emerge from his released shirt.

“Are you okay?” Victor asks, “I mean, do you--

“I’m great,” Benji says, lying his chest on Victor’s, “I mean if you are--

“You’re amazing,” Victor says, smoothing his hand against Benji’s face. 

“Victor,” Benji mumbles in the nape of his date’s neck. 

“So Derek expects you to be available to him when other guys don’t work out?” Victor asks running his fingers up and down Benji’s back. It’s the most soothing feeling and he almost doesn’t answer Victor’s question because he doesn’t want him to stop touching him the way he is. 

“Since he joined the band,” Benji sighs, taking his head out of Victor’s nape. Running his fingers up and down Victor’s arms, he adds, “it was a risk--we played music together like ten years ago and I thought--Gwen, Matt, and I thought he’d have matured a little…”

“That sucks,” Victor says as Benji sets his chin on Victor’s sternum. 

“I didn’t wanna scare you,” Benji says biting his bottom lip, “because my drinking years were rough.

“My father almost let his drinking take him away from us,” Victor says, “and I wanna get to know  _ all  _ of you.”

Looking up at Victor’s eyes, Benji finds tenderness and patience, so he begins to explain. Throughout his story, Victor draws circles and swirls on his back, turning everything that’s not his mouth to goo. 

As Benji finds himself wrapping up the story, Victor yawns and asks, “do you have anything to do in the morning?”

“No,” Benji answers, kissing Victor’s chin, “why?”

“Let’s go to bed,” Victor says tracking the angles of Benji’s face, “I can take you home in the morning.”

“Okay,” Benji answers, climbing off Victor. 

When they’re both standing, Victor leads Benji down the hallway, turning off lights as they go. Then, once they reach Victor’s room, they each lie down, shoes, jeans, and shirts off, get under the covers, nuzzling and kissing each other until exhaustion takes them over and they fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am contemplating changing the rating, not sure yet...


	9. Metiche (meddlesome) Isabel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who told you?”  
> “Told me what,” Isabel asks as though she doesn’t know.  
> Victor weighs his words, because if he says too much, or not enough, well, he could really screw himself over.  
> “Told me what, Victor?” She asks again and he can almost hear her cross her arms as she holds the phone between her cheek and her neck.  
> “Who’s that?” Benji mouths looking delicious in nothing but his Calvin Kleins and a smile.  
> “My mother,” Victor mouths, “Give me a sec, Mami.”  
> Victor puts her on mute and walks over to kiss his almost boyfriend on the forehead, “I think Pilar told her I’m dating someone--  
> “Oh,” Benji says yawning.  
> “And she wants to know all about you.”
> 
> OR,  
> small time jump and Isabel calls to check on her son because people can't keep their mouth shut about who Victor's dating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are giving me life!! A little more tooth-aching fluff for you
> 
> TRANSLATION of a later term because I don't know how to embed translations and some of these words are Puerto Rican specific and Google translate doesn't know them. My family uses 'tiki-tiki' a LOT. :D 
> 
> I know ese tono and como te da el tiki-tiki for bochinche (chisme).  
> I know that tone and how it gives you that 'itch' for gossip.
> 
> Also, in the US, PFLAG Parents Friends (and Family) of Lesbians and Gays. When the acronym is used as an adjective, it's used in the context of a parent/family member/friend, being a strong supporter of their LGBT person = https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PFLAG

Waking up holding Benji was the best. Despite falling asleep on their sides, Victor wakes up laying on his back, Benji resting his head on Victor’s sternum. Benji has somehow managed to assure that every inch of his body was somehow touching Victor, legs laced between his, one arm draped over his chest and the other tucked in between Victor’s arm and torso. Victor lay there, conflicted, not sure if he wanted to disturb the beautiful boy’s slumber or stay draped by the beautiful boy’s dorito frame and slender build. 

Laying there, with the sun streaming morning light between the thin slits of his window’s blinds, Victor let himself sweep the boy’s hair from his face. He tilts his head to look down at Benji’s face, trying to capture details he didn’t see when Benji was awake. With more light, Victor can see that Benji takes care of himself. Yeah, he’s a vegan which will take some getting used to and, from what Victor can see, he’s moderately active. The bike chained to the front porch of Vanae and Gwen’s house was one indicator, Benji’s toned arms and his softly sculpted back was another. Victor couldn’t help how his body reacted to Benji, wrapped around his body like a life saver. Victor let his fingers outline the curves and dimples between muscles and tendons until the way his fingers leisurely practiced dancing on Benji’s back put him back to sleep. 

They have a series of Friday nights and Saturday mornings taking place in similar ways. Late night conversation after Benji’s gig till they’re too tired to speak or laugh, Benji following Victor to bed, and waking up wrapped up in each other. It’s the kind of tenderness Victor’s craved for a while. The kind that has him listening to old school Ricky Martin with a dash of Juan Gabriel, holding on to Spanish through two gay musical icons during the moments he can wear headphones in the office and via his car speakers as he drives home from work. 

He loves that Benji, like him, is a cuddler, as tactile and craving for subtle forms of physical contact whenever they’re together. If he’s honest, it’s not something he thought he’d find with a white guy, the other ones either over the top and drowning his interest quickly or still others who, as hand holding and arm around his shoulders as they were, felt more possessive than affectionate. 

As May winds down, Victor gets the ache of having a conversation, wanting to set the mood right and be the kind of cheesy that they’ve been over their months of dating. He hasn’t seen anyone else and, while he doubts Benji is, given his responsibilities, he wants to have a conversation. He looks up trails outside of Atlanta, knowing that they could both probably navigate something intermediate. Atlanta offers a great nightlife and good restaurants, but Victor’s aiming for something intimate and out of the way. He also knows he wants something, well, not crowded. 

He skims through REI’s recommended trails through the region, divided between the East Palisades Route and the Indian Seats Loop Trail considering they’re not popular. Taking in photos from Instagram, he knows he’ll want to go back in the fall, to catch the scenic imagery. 

He knows he wants to take him out the Sunday before Memorial Day, to evade the additional human traffic of other people who have that day off. 

On the Saturday morning the week before his plans, a call from his mother buzzes him out of bed. He sighs, peeling off his almost boyfriend--they haven’t talked about it yet despite spending every weekend together and texting if not calling every day--so he can make sure it’s not an emergency.

“M’ijo,” she begins, “buen dia, how are you?”

“Bendicion, Ma,” Victor says, “how are you awake before six?”

“Doing laundry before I go volunteer at the food pantry, Flaco, I’m helping with pick up--I just called to see how you were doing.”

Victor hears a tone, hears a  _ I know something you haven’t told me and I’m expecting you to tell me.  _

“I’m good…” 

“Anything new?”

“Who’d you talk to?”

“What makes you think I talked to anybody?”

“Mami,” Victor says, “I know ese tono and como te da el tiki-tiki for bochinche (chisme).”

Isabel gasps and Victor can picture her putting her hand to her chest as though she’s innocent. 

As he rolls his eyes, he hears Benji pad out of the room. 

“Pero, m’ijo,” Isabel continues, “I know you wouldn’t keep anything from me if there was someone--or something important.”

“Who told you?”

“Told me what,” Isabel asks as though she doesn’t know. 

Victor weighs his words, because if he says too much, or not enough, well, he could really screw himself over. 

“Told me what, Victor?” She asks again and he can almost hear her cross her arms as she holds the phone between her cheek and her neck. 

“Who’s that?” Benji mouths looking delicious in nothing but his Calvin Kleins and a smile. 

“My mother,” Victor mouths, “Give me a sec, Mami.”

Victor puts her on mute and walks over to kiss his almost boyfriend on the forehead, “I think Pilar told her I’m dating someone--

“Oh,” Benji says yawning. 

“And she wants to know all about you.”

“Oh,” Benji says smiling as he runs his fingers through his hair. 

“But I don’t wanna freak you out so…”

“Victor,” his mom yells, “quitame del mute!!!”

“Can I see the phone?”

Victor’s eyes widen, “Are--are you sure?”

“She sounds really invested and I think that’s so sweet,” Benji says, setting one hand on Victor’s hip and holding out the other for the phone. 

“You’re positive?”

Benji nods, holding a chuckle in, “C’mon--and what’s her name?”

“MIsses Richardson--my step dad's name.”

Benji takes the phone and hits unmute, “Good morning, Misses Richardson! Isn’t it a little early in Arizona?” 

“Victor’s amazing,” Benji says winking, “such a gentleman and my friends just adore him--”

“I know,” Benji says rolling his eyes, smiling not faltering, “he’s so modest and timid and I gotta say that picture he has of you in the living room--you are far too young to be Victor’s mom--

“I’m serious!”, he exclaims. 

“Well, Victor and I spent all night talking after my band--yeah, I’m in a band”, Benji continues the conversation, removing his hand from Victor’s waist, walking over to the fridge, “the lead singer. You play the piano?”

Victor watches his almost boyfriend talk to his mom and his stomach flips. He’s so easy with her; Victor starts their coffee pulling out their mugs as Benji makes his way to settle on Victor’s couch. As he walks in, he hears Benji say, “Music is a passion but I’m a preschool teacher.”

Victor sets mugs on coffee table coasters before he sits, drapes Benji’s bike-riding toned legs over his lap, to then reach for his mug. He wants to mouth  _ I love you _ , but he doesn’t want his mom in the audience when he says it. The ease with which he realizes he loves Benji, Benji taking the PFLAG mom grilling in stride, surprises him. Just because he’s known he felt that way doesn’t mean he’s let it get to the forefront of his mind. He’s lost in this thought until Benji says, “Your son’s the best thing that’s happened to me this year,” meeting Victor’s eyes, “I hope I take care of him,” he continues as Victor reaches for Benji’s coffee and hands it to him, “as well as he takes care of me.”

_ You’re amazing _ , Victor mouths _ , _ squeezing Benji’s knee. 

“Oh,” Benji says doing his best to hold a chuckle in, “Pilar is going to be  _ so  _ jealous you talked to me first. Do you want to,” Benji begins to ask, “Oh, you have to go. You’ll call Victor later? I can’t wait to meet you in person, too. Take care.”

“Oh. My. God.” Victor says wiping his face, “I’m gonna kill, Pilar, why the--”

“Your mom is so sweet,” Benji says snuggling next to Victor. 

“I wanted this coffee in bed, snuggled up next to you, I’m sorry,” Victor says. 

“For?”

“Putting you on the spot, I mean--”

“It’s okay,” Benji says, “I mean I feel like it’s okay.”

“It is,” Victor says, “it’s perfect--you’re perfect I just…”

“Just?” Benji says smoothing his hand against Victor’s face.

“I’m planning something,” Victor says, “for next Sunday and…”

“Are you gonna tell me?” Benji asks, biting his lip in a way that exposes those adorably sharp canine teeth. 

“It’s a surprise,” Victor says, taking in his almost boyfriend’s gleeful face, “and I hope you like it.”

“I like--I love everything we do together,” Benji says, setting his cup down. 

“Me, too, Benji,” Victor says setting his cup down, “Me, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Googling ATL things for gay boys to do is fun; I aim to be as locally specific as possible. 
> 
> Kudos, bookmarks and comments are always welcome :) Dear readers, your love for this fic fills my heart with all kind of warm gooey goodness


	10. Making their way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Benji go on a hike, Benji's POV 
> 
> OR 
> 
> “I like watching how you’re taking all of this in,” Benji says, “it’s wonderful to see the world you see it--  
> “And,” Victor says, taking Benji’s hand, “how do you think I see it?”  
> “Beautiful,” Benji says smiling, his eyes darting across Victor’s bright gaze, “like there’s still magic in it--  
> “There is,” Victor says, “especially in every moment I share with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I work on keeping chapters of moderate length and, while I wanted to make this chapter longer, I couldn't figure out a better way to end it than I already had.

Benji likes road trips. So when Victor tells him he wants to pick it up and take him hiking out of town. He and his dad stopped going to Dollywood when he relapsed and he’s been reluctant to take others. Not that he and Victor are going far. But, Victor wants to get out of Atlanta. He wants to pick him and enjoy the lush green of the summer and spend time  _ with him _ . It’s sweet. Like most activities with Victor are sweet. Benji’s in the passenger seat, listening to Victor talk about his summer plans to visit his sister Pilar, MIa and her twins for the birthday, run more and maybe, finally, invest in a bicycle. Pilar, if he’s invited could be a road trip. 

In the little time they’ve been together, together trip planning hasn’t been in their conversation. Benji’s not really going anywhere, Gwen and Matt don’t want to take on out of town shows because of the demands on their time--and in consideration for Benji working to not stress himself out with pressure. “Thank you for taking me out of the city,” Benji can’t help but say, “it’s a break from routine--”

“For sure,” Victor says, offering his almost boyfriend a smile, “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. Living in a part of the country that’s warm more often than not, I--I like being outdoors and I wanted to share that with you.”

Benji smooths his hand against Victor’s thigh, looking down at his hand and holding his tongue from saying _I want to share everything with you._ “You’re sweet,” Benji says, still unable to look up at Victor. They’re almost there and his realization about his feelings is making him nervous. 

As they park, Victor hands him a backpack he apparently pre-packed except for the water bottles they froze over last night. Victor pulls up a pdf of the trail on his phone, it’s only a few miles, with a rest stop at the midpoint of the loop. Victor’s more organized than Benji’s used to, and there’s a comfort in what he so easily takes care of. “You’re so organized” Benji says, withholding the world _love_ that he was thinking about saying.

“Classic oldest,” Victor jokes before retying his shoes. 

“No,” Benji says watching him switch from one foot to the other, “it’s comforting…”

Victor looks up and smiles, slightly open mouthed, that surprised face he makes whenever Benji says something that catches him delightfully off guard. “I always worry about being too controlling,” he says adjusting his backpack, “I’ve been working really hard to pace myself with you, you know, let _us_ just happen.”

Benji worries his bottom lip under his teeth, unsure of how to respond. He follows Victor towards the beginning of the trail, adjusting his back and looking up and around at the bright green around them. They continue on in silence, taking in the sights around them. Benji tries to let the sounds of being distant from the city relax him. He’s a few feet behind Victor whose eyes are scanning the sky and landscape around them, apparently caught up in their escape. Victor’s wonder with the world around him reminds Benji there are reasons to be optimistic. It’s a scary optimism, sometimes, knowing that he had slipped a few years back, caught up in the pressure of juggling too much--an emotionally unavailable boyfriend, a new job, a band, continued estrangement from family. He’d been rebuilding a community around him, bit by bit, trying not to be too ambitious about it. 

Victor had been a welcome surprise, a surprise that still amazes him, after everything. “Hey,” Victor says, pausing, “sorry I’m walking too fast.”

“I like watching how you’re taking all of this in,” Benji says, “it’s wonderful to see the world you see it--

“And,” Victor says, taking Benji’s hand, “how do you think I see it?”

“Beautiful,” Benji says smiling, his eyes darting across Victor’s bright gaze, “like there’s still magic in it--

“There is,” Victor says, “especially in every moment I share with you.”

Benji bows his head, not sure how to respond to that, but that doesn’t stop him from trying, “You’re so corny.” 

“I was going for cheesy,” Victor says , lifting Benji’s chin. 

Benji leaves his eyes lowered because he knows if he raises them, he’ll say something silly, like that he loves Victor or something. 

“Can I kiss you?” Victor says, his lips so close Benji can feel his breath. 

Benji nods, stepping in a little closer, his face reaching up until their lips meet. 

“God, I love you,” Victor says and deepening their kiss is all Benji can do. 

Benji grabs onto Victor’s sides as Victor steadies his hands on Benji’s neck. Victor comes in all the more closer, prompting Benji to dig his fingers into Victor’s sides, until only wrapping his arms around his waist is the only thing that can keep him standing. _How do kisses get better after someone tells you they love you?_ He doesn’t know the answer to it, not at all.

At the sound of a distant twig falling and a gray catbird’s meow, they part, standing there, taking each other in, Benji still holding on tight, and Victor’s eyes studying Benji’s lips which must be as pouty as Victor’s. “I love you, too,” Benji says before burying his face in Victor’s chest, his boyfriend’s-- _boyfriend’s_ \--heart beating as quickly as his. 

“C’mon,” Victor says, smoothing his hand over Benji’s hair. 

“Oh,” Benji says, releasing his hold on Victor trying to hide the fact that his eyes were watery, “okay.”

“Are you,” Victor asks, lifting Benji’s chin again, _why does Victor have perfect hands?!,_ Benji thinks to himself as Victor asks, “are you okay?”

“Just,” Benji answers grabbing Victor’s other hand, “just happy, I guess.”

“Me, too,” Victor says, smoothing Benji’s neck with the hand he had on his chin, “me, too.”

For the rest of the hike, Benji and Victor keep pace with each other, in companionable silence, unable to find the will or means around words and ideas, having finally heard and said the words they’d been waiting to hear since they ran into each other. Benji catches Victor looking at him and he encourages himself to sustain Victor’s gaze because Victor, by some miracle loves him. Victor _loves_ him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you thiiiiiiiiiink? Are you warm and fuzzy about the whole declaration like I am? Thanks to @thriftstorebeauty for ATL rec's. I will follow those recommendations, and ask my (lesbian) friend in ATL where they hang too. ;) 
> 
> I will also be creating a fic with the more mature content ;) ;) so I can focus on their relationship here.  
> Kudos, comments are always welcome.


	11. Good enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benji kisses him hard in the middle of the street, “I gotta thank your exes.”
> 
> “Why?” Victor asks, smoothing his fingers against Benji’s lips.
> 
> “Because,” Benji says kissing Victor’s fingertips, “I have you and they don’t.”
> 
> OR  
> WIth visiting Pilar for the fourth drawing close, Benji and Victor start dancing around conversations about their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the reading and the comments. I downloaded Grammarly so, hopefully, fewer grammatical errors in this one.  
> There's a teeny tiny bit of angst because, you know, awkward and chaotic gays have a difficult time shaking off their awkward and chaotic

After Memorial Day weekend, the spring speeds up that much faster. Victor navigates meetings about new players coming onto the team at work while doing his best to keep up with the soccer league and the steady commitment of having a boyfriend. As the summer begins, Benji has a little more free time, transitioning from preschool teacher to a summer camp curriculum coordinator. 

With the summer, Victor finally feels he has a rhythm with his friends outside of Benji’s world. He goes to happy hour at Ponce or Krog Street Markets after matches while Benji has band practice, and people start talking to him after Benji meets him after a Saturday afternoon match. 

Being in a relationship finally gives people a reason to talk to him. He doesn’t like it. Gay and straight people are weird that way. Though it’s nice to have people that are his as well as people who are both his and Benji’s. With a lot more to do, Victor feels Atlanta growing on him. 

“Pilar can’t wait to meet you next week,” Victor says as they leave a series of visual art vendors showcasing their work along the Stone Mountain Trail. “And she hinted my mom may be making the trip too.”

“Oh,” Benji says, keeping an eye out for an ice cream shop. “Does she not usually visit in the summer?”

Victor chuckles and says, “not really,” adding, “I think she has incentive by way of her son’s new boyfriend--

“Adrian has a boyfriend?”

“Funny,” Victor says nudging him, “I mean, I figured I should tell you.”

“Thanks,” Benji says, holding his hand up, he adds, “I’ll be on my best behavior.”

“Please,” Victor scoffs, “it’s not _you_ that I’m worried about--she wants me settled and with babies because, you know, that’s a thing--

“Do you want to?” Benji asks, “have kids?”

Victor shrugs and admits, “I’ve never been with anyone to really think about it. I never thought I’d be…”

“Never thought you’d be?” Benji asks in that way that makes Victor’s stomach twist. 

“Thinking long term--I mean, there was one guy, but nothing like this, especially not as quickly.”

Benji shrugs, “I mean I like kids, obviously, and I know it’s not something I take lightly considering I don’t talk to my family anymore…”

“That’s shitty,” Victor says, “I take for granted that just because of my family doesn’t live in Atlanta and-- 

“No,” Benji says, squeezing Victor’s hand, “I know I’ve been struggling to talk about it. I mean, I relapsed after my mom died and hurt my sister,” Benji continues as Victor tries to find his eyes, “.my dad just needed a reason to be disappointed in me, y’ know,” Benji concludes looking up, adding an empty chuckle, “like being gay wasn’t enough of a—

Victor holds Benji’s gaze, “all that pain sucks and part of me wants to keep you from it and another part of me sees that you are the person I love bc you lived through it...and if you wanted—we got there—I think you’d be good with our kids.”

Benji kisses him hard in the middle of the street, “I gotta thank your exes.”

“Why?” Victor asks, smoothing his fingers against Benji’s lips.

“Because,” Benji says kissing Victor’s fingertips, “I have you and they don’t.”

The rest of the day passes quietly between them, Victor walking Benji home, reluctantly kissing him goodbye. He walks backward from the house slowly, watching Benji walk up the remaining stairs to the front door. Benji turns around before opening the door, his smile says _you’re such a sap._

Victor mouths _I love you_ before turning on the sidewalk. When Benji enters his house, Victor turns to walk forward, his heart bursting with love for Benji.

***

They leave for Pilar’s first thing Friday morning before the fourth. The sun’s barely kissed the tops of trees, the sky as yellow as melting butter. He takes in the sight of Atlanta’s summer sky, elated at sharing his family with his boyfriend. He was so excited that, before Benji rode his bike there the night before, Victor loaded his trunk. All he has left to do is pack up his back of clothes and tablet. He’s packing in the living room while he hears Benji’s alarm go off. He sets his single cup coffee machine to brew so that Benji will have coffee once he’s ready. 

On walking out of the bedroom, soft sleepy skin surrounded with bed hair he says, he grabs his mug of coffee before returning to the bedroom. 

Victor says, “Good morning,” and, on getting no response more than a faint smile, he decides to put his last bag in the car. He’s brought sleeping bags and an air mattress unsure of the sleeping arrangements. He’s also packed gear from work, knowing that his mom and Roger would want swag to show off back home. He decided not to pack too many road trip snacks, wanting to use pit stops as the time to eat and hydrate--or at least pick stuff up on the road. 

On walking back in, he hears Benji’s laughter from the bedroom. He finds Benji in there, clad in a ZZTop shirt, and worn cargo shorts saying, “I’m just a lesbian.”

“Why?” Victor asks plopping himself next to Benji’s bag. 

“I have a drawer,” he answers pulling out a couple t-shirts from it, “AND a toothbrush.”

“Technically 2 drawers,” Victor says revealing one he had emptied for him in the middle of the week. He pulled out a 3 pack of CK’s, “there was some overflow...”

“And you got me my favorite underwear?” Benji asks shaking his head, “classic Uhaul lesbian.”

“You look great in these and you said you _LOVE_ these,” Victor says chuckling as he puts the underwear pack back in the drawer next to the one Benji’s reorganizing, “but I guess that’d make me one too right?”

“I dunno,” Benji says shrugging, “I mean you don’t have enough stuff in my room to qualify you--”

“I could,” Victor says wrapping his arms behind Benji and pecking his shoulder, “I could stay over there, sometimes…”

“Feels weird,” Benji says as he turns around to throw a couple more shirts in the bag, “I sometimes still feel like a guest more than a roommate, you know, and feels like I’m being rude when--reminds me how little time I’ve actually lived on my own.”

“Hmm,” Victor says plopping himself next to the bag again, eyeing its contents. 

“I think I should try that some time,” Benji says reaching for the new underwear, “before I _really_ move in here, you know, have my own space. If that’s even possible on my salary.”

Victor finds himself freaking out, his early morning personality wants to flail and freak out and say _I’ll get rid of the drawers--both if you want--we don’t have to see each other all the time if it’s too much._ But, aside from widening his eyes and a deep breath, he focuses on keeping his cool. 

“Yeah,” Vicor says, trying to contain his disappointment. Playing with the bottom of his t-shirt he says, “I guess I can slow down and give you the space you need--

“No,” Benji says taking one of Victor’s hands in his, “it’s not that at all...it’s--I’m talking about my fears. That’s all, like there are things I can’t do, places I don’t go because even the smell of--because I’m still—I dunno,” Benji says, plopping himself next to Victor, “I’m not doing this right.”

“No,” Victor says, resting his hands on either side of his hips, “you are. You’re saying the drawer’s too much and that you want to prove you can take care of yourself by yourself--I get it--

“I’m just,” Benji begins to say, picking at his cuticles, “I’m really nervous about meeting your parents and coming off as not good enough to them...for you--

“Do you feel that I don’t feel you are--good enough for me?”

“Sometimes,” Benji begins, “it’s hard to live up to how good you think I am.”

“I feel that way, too,” Victor says, “like, how does this kind, thoughtful, considerate and patient person find that I’m good enough?”

“Ugh,” Benji says, resting his head on Victor’s shoulder. “I can’t with you.”

Benji reaches for Victor’s hand and wraps it with his own. 

“I love you so much,” Victor says, “we don’t even have to go if that’s what you want--

“Victor,” Benji breathes, burying his face in Victor’s chest. 

Benji’s breathing feels so good against Victor’s chest. 

“C’mon,” he says, pulling Victor up by the hand, “your mother will never forgive me if I keep you from her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Benji meets the Salazar's ;) 
> 
> Every time I see a kudos, my heart skips a beat. And I grin ear to ear on reading your beautiful insightful comments. OXO uwu


	12. Day 1 of visiting Pilar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You okay, though?” Victor asks, “you’ve been out here a while.”  
> Benji nods, “your family’s really great. I just wanted to get a feel for the night sky, you know?”  
> “Hmm,” Victor says.  
> When Victor wraps his arms around Benji, resting his head on Benji’s shoulder, Benji exhales. Victor had a way of holding him that was just so safe, tender, so full of giving. He had never been held like that, held like being close was enough. He runs his hands up Victor’s arms, pulling them in tighter. “I love how tactile your family is,” Benji says, “I see where you get it from--
> 
> OR  
> Benji meets the Salazar's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting. :) Domestic fluff and Benji backstory to frame how he engages with the Salazar's

Benji feels better in the car, even if a little silly about insisting on needing to live on his own. He’s still working through what his independence means. He explains as much to Victor in the car, trusting the contained travel as a safe space to finally talk about it. It starts back with his struggle to be out, something which he struggled with in high school. He grew estranged from his family then and again when his mother got sick. He had been working for a few years; he had a civil relationship with his sister and dad. His mother’s sickness made clear the limits of how civil they were. At the time, he was in a relationship to be in one, much like his first relationship--which had been with Derek--he wasn’t in love, then, he just wanted the company. And, when his mom got ill, as he navigated civility, he realized he wanted someone who loved him to come home to. Someone to hold him on the days it was too hard to be strong.

Her death fucked with that perspective. 

He got lost in the club scene, he explains to Victor, numbing himself to his mom’s death and to the renewed estrangement from his father and sister. He drank; he dabbled with anything that could make him numb. She had passed in the summer, convenient considering the bender he had experienced that summer. He stopped drugs by the time school started, but the alcohol was still there. Getting lost in the clubs, still a distraction. He couldn’t get close to men, then, afraid of any kind of touch or affection. 

Victor lets him speak, only asking clarifying questions, affirming the difficulty of the hard parts, and Benji finds himself relaxing as he unburdens himself from the weight of fear. Victor squeezes Benji’s hands at the right moments and it helps Benji feel less small, less frail somehow. Victor listens like a lullaby, soothing and soft, patient and still and it allows Benji to tear up when he talks about how much he misses his mother; how hard it’s been to not be forgiven by his father and sister. 

Victor doesn’t stop him; he lets him cry and recover and Benji doesn’t feel like the kind of white gay boy who can’t hope. He doesn’t feel like the kind of boyfriend who doesn’t appreciate a good thing. Talking about the hard things with Victor isn’t as scary as it was with past boyfriends or his club ‘friends.’ 

It helps that Victor talks to him about his dad a little more. He knew, from earlier, that Armando had lost himself in drinking after the divorce--well, before the divorce, lost and confused about how his life was turning out because, despite Armando’s vision, his wife did have to work to help with the house. He had to move away from their family because the cost of living and the company moving overseas put him back at starting from scratch. Victor doesn’t share from a place of comparing his estrangement from his father to the loss of Benji’s father. It sounds a lot like Benji’s estrangement from  _ his  _ own father, except that the dad was the alcoholic in the father-son dynamic. 

Armando had gotten better, but he had never forgiven himself enough to try to re-integrate into his children’s lives. Victor’s dad’s parents did a good job of making Isabel the villain, in not knowing how to support her husband through a difficult time. It didn't help that she started dating so quickly after they separated. Victor didn’t care much for them, especially considering how they responded to his coming out--Benji could definitely relate to that. His grandparents never knew--at least not from his mouth--because it wasn’t something  _ they needed to know.  _ He understood that as code for their potential for rejecting if not condemning him. 

Their conversation doesn’t stay dark and difficult, somehow the air lightens around the halfway point to Orlando, as they start talking about their loves of dogs. 

“Once I’m done paying off my bedroom set,” Victor says, “that’s my next investment.”

“Buttons knows just when to come and sit on my lap,” Benji says, “Janae and Gwen are thinking of getting another dog. If my broccoli plants survive the summer season, I may ask them if I can.” 

“Adopt or--”

“Definitely adopt,” Benji says, “something smaller than Buttons, you know? I know toy dogs are like the gayest but--”

“It’s totally you,” Victor says.

Despite the scary kid conversation, dogs lead to talking about homeownership and travel and all the other things they both want. Benji can do this; he can imagine a future with someone. He won’t fall apart at it, he doesn’t have to, especially not with Victor.

They arrive at Pilar’s by mid-afternoon. Pilar’s house is a single story with a large front yard. It looks a lot like the other houses in the cul de sac, except that it's painted with a wider array of brighter colors. “She wanted to stand out,“ Victor chuckles. From the pictures Benji remembers, Pilar comes out with a toddler on her hip, squealing, “Victor!” 

After they hug cheesily, he takes the toddler from her as Victor’s mom, Isabel comes out. She’s wearing an apron, wiping her hands on it saying, “Por fin,” with her arms right open. The three of them are in a cheesy embrace that Benji can’t help but document on his phone. 

“This is Benji,” Victor says. 

“Hey,” Pilar says as she grabs her kid back. 

“Can I hug you?” Isabel asks, “I’m a hugger…”

“Of course,” Benji says. 

She squeaks a little, “So good to finally meet you in person!” 

“Hay comida,” Pilar says before fully entering the house. 

“Do you need help with your bags, Flaco?” Isabel asks. 

“We’ll bring in these, and then eat,” he answers, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, “then we’ll get the rest.” 

After eating, Victor goes get their other bags, takes them to Pilar’s husband--Sammy’s office. Benji stays in the kitchen, helping pack up the left overs of rice, beans and plantains, put away the dry dishes. Benji absorbs the sights and surrounds of Salazar’s altogether as he learns Pilar’s kitchen. The kitchen is larger than Victor’s, with the light coming from the door-length windows dividing them from the backyard. It’s a beautiful home, warm bright light from the outside coupled with a warm color scheme of the interior decor. It has the open concept design made popular in recent years, and Pilar and Sammy have sustained a baby-friendly house without losing a sense of style. 

After Benji helps Isabel clean the kitchen, he joins the others in the den, just on the other side of the breakfast nook. Sammy and Roger talk about the baseball season as they each hold a kid on their knees. Pilar and Isabel reviewing the menu for Saturday, with Sammy’s family--from Florida--coming through. 

It’s like Gwen and Janae and Kenny and their family, save sprinkles of Spanish in the conversation. Roger catches his eye and Benji shrugs in response. Benji then watches him shift his gaze to Isabel who says, “What?!” she asks, “Oh, he’s used to it already--”

“And I took Spanish classes after my second year of teaching,” Benji explains, “I wanted to be able to speak to some of my parents who were struggling--”

“Smart,” Pilar says, “one of the things that sucks about the South is how few people--”

“Pilar,” Isabel warns. 

“You know I’m right, Mami,” she says, as Pilar’s toddler, Lena, stumbles her way to her, “I mean Orlando’s not that bad, but it can get  _ really  _ annoying, you know…”

A political conversation among the Salazar’s ensues, Sammy offering insights given his own experiences at work. Benji shrugs, knowing that, as a white guy, when it comes to talking about race or immigration he’s lucky to be allowed to list. When asked, he only offers what he’s done. Gwen’s schooled him enough to know that he can only speak for himself and adjust based on his comfort. And, as much as she loves him, she doesn’t teach him everything. He’s been fortunate enough to come to have conversations with others to understand why. 

Pilar and Sammy put their babies to bed as the sun begins to set. Victor fishes through Pilar’s bookcase, pulling out a long thin wooden box. “Mami?” He asks, shaking the box. 

“Yes, y cafe?” 

Victor nods. 

“They’re about to start a game of dominoes,” Roger says, “you’ve been warned.”

“Oh,” Benji chuckles, “Victor hasn’t taught me yet--”

“Victor!” Isabel gasps. 

“What?!” 

As Victor’s eyes dart between Isabel and Benji he adds, “He’s still trying to master Spades and I didn’t want to, you know--”

“Fair enough,” Pilar says walking back in, “can’t really, you know, give him too many of our secrets too soon--”

Roger interrupts and says, “I tried playing dominoes with Isabel’s brother’s once,” he then holds up a pointer and says, “once.”

Benji laughs. “I’ll go start the coffee while you play then,” he says getting up from his seat. 

As they play, Benji steps outside, taking in the sight of lightning mugs dancing above the backyard’s lawn. They look like stars dropped from the sky still eager to defy gravity. He takes in the sight of the sky, faintly blinking a handful of stars across its vast darkness. Benji has to admit it’s been a pretty intense couple of days, he and Victor having future conversations. They’d done such a good job of going slow, with no expectations. And since their confession of loving each other, something he admits he’s felt since singing to Victor that first February night, there’s this approach of wanting more--wanting to give more and wanting to take more. 

In the middle of these thoughts, he hears the screen door. He turns to find Victor. “Sammy and Pilar won,” he says with a defeated sigh. 

“Aww, I’m sorry,” Benji says. 

“You okay, though?” Victor asks, “You’ve been out here a while.”

Benji nods, “Your family’s really great. I just wanted to get a feel for the night sky, you know?”

“Hmm,” Victor says. 

When Victor wraps his arms around Benji, resting his head on Benji’s shoulder, Benji exhales. Victor had a way of holding him that was just so safe, tender, so full of giving. He had never been held like that, held like being close was enough. He runs his hands up Victor’s arms, pulling them in tighter. “I love how tactile your family is,” Benji says, “I see where you get it from--”

“Yeah, we’re definitely major huggers.”

“And that your mom asked was really sweet,” Benji says. 

“Roger’s family--his kids and his parents--taught her about the need to ask first.” 

Benji turns out of the embrace as Victor goes to talk about the cultural clash involved in the blending of their families. It’s been more than a decade, so it’s not like the awkwardness was new, Victor explains. Benji can’t help but be impressed by how well Victor talks about that period of his life, a period that started because of his father’s inability to cope with change. As Victor’s chuckling to himself about blending holiday traditions, Benji can’t help but say, “You’re amazing.”

“What--why?”

“I love the way you love,” Benji says, “your stepdad...how you love me.”

Benji tips up, offering a peck on Victor’s lips before walking them inside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun to write. Hope you enjoyed the reading.


	13. Second half of Pilar visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On walking out, he finds Pilar’s kids on the floor playing a matching game with Sammy. Pilar is cutting up ingredients for salsa and Roger’s in the back setting up the grill. “Where’s Benji?” Victor asks.  
> “On the front porch with Mami,” Pilar answers as she sets a yellow onion on the cutting board in front of her.   
> Victor grabs a cup of coffee and heads towards the front. He finds the door a crack open. He hears Isabel and Benji talking. They’re both teachers and musicians, so it makes sense. He stands by the door, curious, about how his mom is bonding with his new boyfriend. It’s not long, halfway through his coffee, that he realizes they’re talking about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Benji and Isabel have time alone? How does Victor react?

Victor’s never been the little spoon. Never. Waking up with Benji wrapped around his back, his head nuzzled under Victor’s ear is new and exciting. Benji’s hands hold Victor against him at his heart and torso in a way that makes Victor feel protected. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. He doesn’t want anything else in his world but Benji’s arms around him. He closes his eyes and takes in being cocooned by Benji’s embrace as a lullaby to put him back to sleep. 

He awakens with the smell of coffee brewing, a little chilly because of Benji’s absence. He opens his eyes to find Benji laying his used towel over a folding chair. Unfortunately, he’s clothed in an undershirt and linen-blend shorts that somehow highlight how soft he is. “Good morning,” Victor says stretching to sit up. 

“Good morning,” Benji says, “did you bring Febreze or anything like that?”

“No,” Victor says, running his fingers through his hair, “why?”

Benji clears his throat to say, “because this room needs a little freshening after--”

Victor chuckles, “I’ll bring it back after I shower.” 

Benji playfully rolls his eyes as Victor makes his way up, throws on a shirt, grabs his towel, toiletries, and makes his way to the shower. 

He sneaks the Febreze he found in the bathroom closet under his towel and sprays the room before making their bed, putting their dirty clothes in the plastic bag he brought from home. 

He’s feeling good about the road trip and about Benji’s first afternoon with his family. 

Spending so many months in Benji’s world, Victor was relieved that Benji wasn’t overwhelmed by the rest of the Salazar’s. Not so much the affection as the kids and the noise and the speed talking. Everything about Benji’s world and being with Benji was slow-paced. Victor loves that about the South, the slower rhythm--as exciting as Boston and New York had been during his college years, he was grateful to be where it was slower--even cities were slower in the south. 

His mother couldn’t shake New York completely out of her. She was infectious, he knew that much, and since she started her new chapter with Roger, she’s been, bittersweetly, more relaxed, and more taken care of. It was hard to see. Hard because he knew the world was nice to men who looked like Roger than men who looked like his father, like him. Bringing the room to a presentable order, Victor takes the time to get in the right headspace about the weekend. As hard as it is to not miss his father or think about the childhood memories around the fourth, it’s okay to enjoy the change. He’s in love; he’s loved; everyone is getting along. And, if he’s honest, by the time he’s done with the room, he’s left Benji alone for far too long. 

On walking out, he finds Pilar’s kids on the floor playing a matching game with Sammy. Pilar is cutting up ingredients for salsa and Roger’s in the back setting up the grill. “Where’s Benji?” Victor asks.

“On the front porch with Mami,” Pilar answers as she sets a yellow onion on the cutting board in front of her. 

Victor grabs a cup of coffee and heads towards the front. He finds the door a crack open. He hears Isabel and Benji talking. They’re both teachers and musicians, so it makes sense. He stands by the door, curious, about how his mom is bonding with his new boyfriend. It’s not long, halfway through his coffee, that he realizes they’re talking about him. 

“Victor never sleeps late,” Isabel says.

“He was probably really tired from the drive.”

“Hmm,” his mom says in response. That hmm that says, I’m not an idiot. “I know I’ve never seen him this happy before…”

“I’ve never been this happy before,” Benji says in that soft, ‘please don’t judge me’ tone. 

Victor didn’t have to be out there to know Benji was picking at his nails.  _ He’s so cute,  _ Victor thinks to himself. 

“Victor doesn’t let me talk to all his boyfriends, you know,” Isabel begins, “actually, not any.”

“Oh?”

“I mean, “Isabel says, “I’ve met his boyfriends before, usually on accident when I was visiting or because they were already in Arizona-”-

“Good morning,” Victor says, walking through the door. He bends down to kiss Benji before greeting his mother. 

“Flaco,” Isabel says, “ How’d you sleep?”

“Really good,” Victor says, “The mattress was firm. You?”

“Perfecto,” Isabel says, “But I’m gonna go get more cafe. Benji, do you need a refill?”

Benji shakes his head no as Isabel re-enters the house. 

They sit in silence for a minute, Victor not knowing whether to acknowledge he heard them or ask Benji what they discussed. He takes in the sight of the sun warming the sky, “This humidity…”

“Worse than Atlanta’s” Benji jokes, offering a half-smile. 

“You okay,” Victor begins, “sitting out here with my mom? I’ve  not been with anyone who’s spent this much time with--”

“I’m good,” Benji says. “Your mom was telling me that--that I’m the first one you brought around?”

“Yeah,” Victor answers, “I hope that’s okay--that I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to--

“It’s okay,” Benji says, “Your mom just wanted to know more than she learned on the phone, you know, the official grilling--probably not much different from what Gwen and Janae did when they first met you…”

Benji’s reassuring words only made him more nervous. Before the conversation they had where Benji said he wanted to live on his own, Victor had made him a copy of his keys. He wouldn’t have told him about the second drawer if he had known Benji’s fears before but, sitting with him there, he didn’t want to do anything that would take away that feeling. That feeling he had last night; that feeling he was whenever Benji’s close by. 

Like he’s finally home. 

Victor can’t help but sit there in silence, not wanting to explode with how much more he wants with Benji. He wants to get used to taking care of him and drinking coffee on porches with him and they haven’t been together for not even close to a year and here he is in all these feelings. 

“It’s getting hot,” Benji says, “I’mna go get some water and--”

“I’ll come with you,” Victor says, “I’m getting a little hungry.” 

Sammy and Roger grill, while Benji offers to help Pilar in the kitchen. He watches Benji weave between her and Isabel as they cook the rice, prep the salsa, all the while playing with his niece and nephew. They’re crawling all over him in their make-believe and he’s enjoying every bit of it. He misses Mia’s twins then because a year ago he was their pony and dragon. He’s chasing them around the house until Sammy Jr stumbles into the wall. He carries him to his mom who mouths, “nap time,” as she takes him to his room. Sammy Jr’s sister, Bella, gravitates to Benji, who’s been sketching at the breakfast nook, “can I draw too?” she asks, eyeing his fancy pencils. 

“C’mon,” he says, ripping a sheet out of his drawing book. 

Victor takes in the sight and does what he can to not get teary. He goes to see what’s going on with the grill outside, Roger and Sammy joking about last year. 

The day goes by pretty uneventful, save the somersaults Victor’s feelings are turning in his insides. 

They don’t start eating until Sammy Jr wakes up from his nap. Then the kids and their parents run through sprinklers. There’s talk of politics and movies and the rest of the summer, Bella, taken with Benji who’s still drawing with her, as Victor leads the cleanup while the others wind down, pack up food, and empty charcoal. 

Bella insists Benji sing her to sleep, pulling out her mom’s guitar. He chuckles at the offer, nonverbally confirms with Pilar before heading back there. 

“Don’t fuck this up,” Pilar says squeezing her brother’s shoulder.

“Thanks?”

“He’s  _ your  _ brother,” Sammy says with a chuckle, drinking champagne cola out of a bottle. 

“Exactly,” she says pulling out the dominoes, “he’s impulsive, romantic, and completely gone for this one. Recipe for disaster--”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pilar,” Victor says shaking his head. 

“You get that from, Dad,” Pilar says. 

“I know,” Victor mutters.

“Without his old temper,” Isabel interjects. “And you’re a lot more vocal than he is--and you snoop a lot better--”

“Mom!” Victor hisses.

“You act like I didn’t know you were by the door this morning,” Isabel says, raising a brow at him. 

“Sammy,” Roger says standing up, “Wanna show me that thing you were talking about--

“Oh,” Sammy says nodding, “it’s in the garage.”

“Even they know what’s coming,” Victor groans as they leave.

“Smart men,” Pilar says, smirking. 

“I  _ am  _ taking it slow,” Victor says, “this trip was planned and,” Victor considers telling them he gave Benji the option to out before they left but decides against it, that’d give them Catholic guilt fuel, “and I  _ am  _ letting him in, as much as he wants--I mean we’ve only been boyfriend-boyfriends since the end of May when we told each other we loved each other--”

“Aww,” Isabel says, “Did you take pictures?!”

“Mom!” The Salazar kids hissed. 

“What? I know you did something romantic.” Isabel says, “You’re good with gestures.”

“Bringing him here wasn’t a gesture,” Pilar asks as she starts mixing the dominoes on the table. 

Victor shakes his head, “Gesture-free. Probably helped that he did such a good job talking to you two on the phone.”

“Talking on the phone is one thing,” Pilar says, “Meeting us is different.”

“It’s good to see you happy, Flaco,” Isabel says, “And he’s really sweet, has very good manners. I like him. If that counts.”

“It does,” Victor says, squeezing his mom’s hand, “Thanks.”

In the morning, Isabel catches Victor as he’s packing the car. “I am finally thinking about what I want for myself in the future,” Victor admits, “I never thought I’d--”

“Aye, Victor,” she says, taking her son in her arms. “I’m glad you want more out of life than your career and taking care of us. Benji’s really sweet.”

“Thanks, Ma,” Victor says, resting his head on her shoulder, “I’m just scared because I’ve never felt this way.”

He loves the way his mom looks at him just then, patting his cheek in that ‘aye, bendito’ way that says it’s okay to be scared because there’s nothing scarier than having nothing to fear. 

“He looks at you like you’re everything, Flaco.”

Victor loves the way Benji looks at him, he’s not looking forward to a drive where Benji will be doing that for seven hours all the while Victor has to focus on the road. It’s pretty rude. 

“He is, Ma,” Victor says, “that’s what scares me--”

Victor stops on hearing the door swing open. 

“Hey,” Benji says sliding his back into the back seat. 

“Drive safe,” Isabel says, “Love you.” 

“Bendicion, Mami,” he says as they part. 

“You ready?” Benji asks. 

“Lemme kiss the kids and then I’ll be back.”’

Benji’s readjusting the bags in the trunk once Victor comes back out. “I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”

“Yes--no,” he says watching Benji walk around to his door, “Me being sappy with my mom.”

Once they’re in, Victor gets on the road.

“Sappy about?” Benji asks. 

“Yeah,” Victor says, “My mom’s just happy for me.”

“Oh,” Benji says. Victor catches him lifting a corner of his mouth, "Oh, good.”

“Yeah,” Victor says, “She likes you. She likes the way you look at me.”

“She does?”

“Yup,” Victor answers. 

“How do I look at you?”

“Umm...I dunno--”

“Victor,” Benji insists, “What were the words she used?”

“Like I’m everything--you look at me like I’m everything.”

“That’s how you look at me, though, and it hurts--”

“It hurts?”

“It hurts in the way that loving you so much hurts because I can never get enough of you, and I have to remind myself that--”

“That what?”

“That it hurts because I’m scared--scared I’ll wake up from this--”

“Me, too,” Victor says turning to meet Benji’s hooded eyes, “and I have to drive for the next seven hours knowing that you’ll be looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you wish we weren’t in a car, that your body was what I was gripping as tight as I’m holding on to the steering wheel.”

Benji laughs in that way that says he’s completely comfortable and relaxed, “Well, just take me home and I’ll make it worth the wait--”

“Aren’t Gwen and Janae--”

“That’s not what I meant by home, Victor.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and following, as always :)   
> I'm working on integrating Felix and Lake, any ideas, lmk!!


	14. Benji wants a new start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor’s out of town for work again, traveling with the team. Alone in his new apartment, he texts Victor: What are you doing? 
> 
> Victor: Packing up to leave first thing. Wishing we didn’t share rooms with other staff…
> 
> Benji: Why? 
> 
> Victor: Because I want to put you to bed. 
> 
> Benji: Can you step outside to call? 
> 
> Victor: Give me 5 :-* 
> 
> OR   
> with the schoolyear starting again, work commitments makes it difficult for these boys to spend time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting and thank you for reading. As much as I love fluff, the angst is starting to brew

Benji knows he hasn’t been good about band practice. They’re not doing new songs, at least he’s not singing with them--because that’s the deal. It’s too much work, especially in the summer when summer camp prep is more intense given that it’s an arts camp, with music lessons that cater to students and give them the tools to perform at the end of two weeks. It’s good money and, if he’s going to move out on his own, it’s needed money. 

With bands touring the region and the demands of tourists, Sticky Beaks only performs when an out of town band doesn’t come through. Benji doesn’t mind, considering that tourists and out of towners tend to change the way Brasstown smells. It’s one of the only bars whose smell of beer doesn’t incite his anxiety. Food and the aromas of colognes and perfume and life are much stronger than the mixed drinks, especially because people come to Brasstown for the beer. 

Getting home after spending half of Monday with Victor, he finds his bandmates in the backyard garden, drinking sweet tea and talking about their sets. Derek was there with a new boy, a twink playing with his phone. Gwen and Matt were exchanging musical sheets, Derek was writing down whatever songs they were agreeing to cover. Between dating, summer school, Benji hadn’t spent too much time song-writing. He didn’t realize it until he saw them talking about music, songs, covers, and shows out of town. “Hey guys,” he says as he checks on his greens.

“Oh,” Matt says, “Hey. You down to join us for a few shows in Nashville?”

He shakes his head, “This week’s kids are gonna be especially demanding--otherwise I’d be down for the road trip.”

He works through the garden beds, picking weeds, and assessing what tomatoes, collards, mustard greens, and herbs can be harvested. The onions still have a ways to go. He goes in to change, grab his tools, and a couple of bowls to harvest what’s ready. He gently pulls at the few weeds that grew in his absence. After picking enough greens and a few tomatoes for dinner, he sets the bowl in the kitchen and heads downstairs to clean up. 

His afternoons tend to start with his garden as part of his daily routine: come home from work or Victor’s, tend to his garden, clean up, cook, eat, hang with Kenny and the girls, or sit by himself and draw. He either draws while sitting on the front or back porch, depending on the neighborhood’s noise. His room doesn’t have great natural light, between the bookshelves, his bureau, his chair, and the unpacked boxes of knick-knacks and mementos he’s kept. He used to write, instead of spending time with people or drawing. He wrote whenever sadness poured out of him or whenever hope he felt he could sing more than live. He wrote until he had nothing else in him but to look forward to something. 

He didn’t miss not writing. As the summer passed, he didn’t miss the weekly singing, wanting a new challenge or adventure. His life had developed a new rhythm, with new possibilities and he wanted to spend time exploring what those were. There were parents who wanted their children to continue lessons. Some of those kids, by August, were occupying his afternoon. He would teach them to play guitar, bass, anything with strings. Kenny and the girls were kind enough to let him teach in the living room. 

By Labor Day, with the school year in full swing, he felt he was ready to talk to the girls about moving out. It was one of those Saturday dinners, filled with laughter, just him and his housemates, “I never thought the lessons would stick,” he begins taking a break from his salad. 

“You needed a new routine,” Janae says.

“I was thinking,” he continues, “I also need to see if I can live on my own--”

“On your own?” Gwen asks as she takes a sip of her sweet tea. 

“I’ve been looking at some studios and one-bedroom apartments, along the BeltLine, or close enough--”

“So,” Janae says, “you’re serious?”

“I think I’m ready,” he says, “to see what living by myself feels like--”

“Huh,” Kenny says, leaning back in his chair, “Everything okay?”

Benji nods, “Y’all were really good in housing me as I got my stuff together and I feel like I feel more put together, y’know, and, with everything going good in my life, I think--I think I wanna know I can do that before, I uh--so I can feel like I can--”

“Makes sense,” Kenny says, “You wanna know who you are before you settle down.”

“Daddy!” Gwen hisses. 

Benji feels the red rush to his face, “You’ve taken me in and made me feel like family--”

“You are, Benji,” Janae interjects. 

“And I’ll still come over on Saturday’s--I mean I dunno when I’m moving and--”

“Just let us know a month in advance,” Gwen says, squeezing her wife’s hand. 

“Thanks!” 

It is a little silly to move so soon after the school year starts, but Benji figures another three day weekend would be enough. He’s found a small one-bedroom not too far from the BeltLine. Matt helps him pick out furniture that’s music student-friendly and the rest of the band helps him pack up the stuff in his room and set it up in his new place. It’s got great lighting, despite its size. They stay for pizza and cokes till sleep and nightlife call them. 

Victor’s out of town for work again, traveling with the team. Alone in his new apartment, he texts Victor:  _ What are you doing?  _

_ Victor: Packing up to leave first thing. Wishing we didn’t share rooms with other staff… _

_ Benji: Why?  _

_ Victor: Because I want to put you to bed.  _

_ Benji: Can you step outside to call?  _

_ Victor: Give me 5 :-*  _

Victor calls using FaceTime. Thank goodness for iPhones. “Hey, baby,” Benji says, “That’s a low key lobby.”

“I’m just glad no one’s here,” Victor says, “I can act like I have privacy.”

“Hmm,” Benji says walking to his room. “I can’t wait to show you around here--”

“Me either,” Victor says, “What’s your day looking like tomorrow?”

“Unpacking enough things for the week, ordering dishes, you?”

“I was thinking of stopping by my boyfriend’s house on the way home--take him out to brunch.”

“Yeah?”

“Gotta celebrate his new place.”

“Hmm,” Benji says, “Why not celebrate  _ at  _ the new place?” 

“I think I’d like that,” Victor says. 

Victor arrives around noon, still carrying the bags he left with on Thursday night. He looks tired around the eyes as he wraps his arms tightly around Benji and gives him a deep kiss. “Hey,” Benji says when their lips part, “good to see you, too.”

“I just missed you.”

“Missed you, too,” Benji says, pulling Victor into his apartment, “I know this place is smaller than yours but it fits everything I have AND it has a bedroom. Sucks that it’s not as updated as having an in-unit washer and dryer but, it’s all mine.”

“I’m so proud of you, babe,” Victor says, throwing himself on Benji’s new loveseat. 

“Not at the place to have a full living room set, but,” Benji says, sitting next to him, “It’s a start. And once I get more consistent students, maybe I will. I’m really excited to have my own space--though maybe I’ll get a dog first.”

“Cool,” Victor says as Benji leans into him. 

As hungry as Benji is, having spent the morning getting the house organized enough to receive Victor, sitting on his couch with his boyfriend’s arms wrapped around him is what he’d been wanting to do all weekend. The away trips make time together hard, now that Benji’s essentially working six days a week with the music lessons he’s giving every other Saturday. He’d gotten so used to sleeping in Victor’s arms at least twice a week, over the summer, that he didn’t like losing it once Victor’s season started too. 

“I can go into work tomorrow afternoon,” Victor says, “so I don’t have to be anywhere in the morning, if, you know.”

“Hmm,” Benji says, “you wanna stay till breakfast tomorrow is what I’m hearing.”

“Mhm,” Victor says squeezing him tighter. 

“I mean I still have to go to work tomorrow but,” Benji says, “I’d like that, you staying over.”

“Let’s order food so I can just hold you for the rest of the day,” Victor says, “I missed this.”

“I have the menu pulled up on my phone,” Benji says, pulling his phone out of his pocket. 

They spend the wait for food kissing and telling each other about their weeks. The game went well and, thankfully no injuries happened this week, though the team’s defense is struggling given the player that got injured the last time they had an away game. That player, Jones, hasn’t been good about physical therapy, much to Victor’s frustration. Victor was equally attentive to Benji talking about his students and the toll of the move. 

They decide to take the food to Benji’s room, wanting to cuddle while they eat. After a few bites, Victor says, “This may be difficult.”

“Why?” Benji asks. 

“Because,” Victor says, “You have maple syrup on the corner of your mouth--”

“Oh--”

“And I just wanna kiss it.”

“C’mon,” Benji says, nudging Victor’s shoulder, “I’m starving. I haven’t eaten all morning--”

“Okay. I’ll be good,” Victor says, moving like he’s inching to the edge of his side of the bed. 

“You better,” Benji says, loading up his fork. “I worked up my appetite all weekend.”

“So did I--”

“Victor!” 

Victor shrugs like nothing and gets back to his food. Every so often, Benji finds Victor’s eyes scanning his face and he has to kick him under the covers. Their domestic bliss feels different in Benji’s place. Like Benji has something to provide. Like he too can take care of Victor and provide a place where Victor can find refuge and unwind. Like the place that provides it for him can provide it for Victor. He can't help but smile at himself. He likes how it feels. 

Once he’s eaten enough, he puts the takeout container on the nightstand beside his side of the bed. He watches as Victor follows. They take off each other’s shirts and fall into kissing and holding each other. It’s slow-paced, and Victor moves his hands along Benji’s back like it’s new yet familiar at the same time. He’s not rushing or digging, and Benji’s never felt so admired and treasured as he does when Victor kisses him and holds him like that, nuzzling his nose between kisses, knees bumping, giggling between breathing and kissing. “This is nice,” Benji says. 

“Mhm,” Victor says, “I forget how much fun kissing you is.”

“Hmm?”

“Like just kissing you,” Victor says, pecking his nose, “Like I can kiss you all day.”

“I can live with that,” Benji says, kissing Victor’s jawline. 

Victor eventually falls asleep, which Benji finds endearing. Their kisses are so slow, so interspersed with tightening hugs and lingering gazes that he falls asleep with the lull of it. Benji tries to join him, using the sound of his heartbeat as a lullaby. Unfortunately, he doesn’t sleep as long as Victor, so he wakes up, clears their takeout containers, and gets up to see what he needs for his kitchenette. He takes in the boxes in the corner of his living room. He’s not sure if he wants a TV just yet. He’ll definitely need bookshelves, maybe a trip to the thrift store next week or maybe he should see what’s on Offer Up. 

He opens his laptop and starts typing up a list of the things he’ll need. He has a couple of pans, but very few groceries. He has a Brita pitcher but he needs filters and more glasses and mugs. 

They got paper plates and spoons and he thinks he has enough for the week, but he should order them soon. A set of four should be a good start. Of all the people he knows, he has the smallest place so it’s not like he’s going to host a lot of things. But he wants to make sure this is a place that he and Victor can spend time, lounging, making out--and not just in his bedroom. 

The apartment is definitely a bachelor pad, an in-between place Benji knows he doesn’t want or need to last long in. The kitchenette opens to the dining area, and then the living area which leads to a small hallway that leads to the bedroom, the bathroom, and a back door. While there are no washer and dryer, there’s a decent size closet for clothes and linens, so Benji knows at least he can have fun picking out cuddling blankets and throw-pillows for them. 

Given that he’s in a corner unit, he has a great deal of light coming in, which will be great for drawing so he knows he’ll need a drawing table. Taking in the simplicity of his apartment, he realizes that he’ll need chairs before next week and to remind his music students of his new address. Looking at a corner of the living/dining area with no light, he considers whether or not there’s room to bring in the piano he inherited from his mom, the one she taught him to play on. From the piano, it was easy to go to the guitar, because of the years he learned to read music. 

With room and time to think of these things, he couldn’t help but get more excited about the life ahead of him. He could plan, he could settle, he finally had the confidence to take up the space he needed. 

“Hey,” Victor says, “I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“I guess I’m just really excited,” Benji says, “I’ve never lived on my own before, and there are things that I still have in storage that I want to bring in.” 

“Oh, like what?”

“My mom’s piano--since I’m the musician in the family, she made sure I got it but I couldn’t look at it for a while--”

“You know,” Victor says wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, “we never talk about it--”

“What?”

“Your mom,” Victor says, “We could talk about it if you needed--”

“Thanks,” Benji says, “I never realized I didn’t talk about her till now, you know, I just...when I was trying to get sober, she came up a lot, like, how helpful she was and how supportive she was despite how hard my dad took it because of the car and the ways we couldn’t talk about girls the same way, you know.”

Victor nods and folds his fingers between Benji. Benji continues talking about his mom, her patience in response to his first bout of recovery. He talks about her reluctance to tell him about her cancer diagnosis, sittin with her through chemo, the holiday dinner he shared with his sister, her family, and his dad. It’s easy to let the story of their last year together fall out of him and then to talk about how the day after he buried her, he went and bought a bottle of whiskey, drank it by himself in the apartment his ex-boyfriend finally moved out of, after months of awkward dancing around their break up. “That must have been awkward,” Victor says as they move to the couch. 

“It was,” Benji says, “he was trying to be a good friend  _ and  _ a date at the same time  _ and  _ find a new place in one of the gayborhoods.” 

“Hmm,” Victor says, “how do you manage Brasstown?”

“It doesn’t smell like whiskey or bourbon or mixed drinks,” Benji says, leaning his face into Victor’s caress against his face. “Clubs, and other bars...I don’t really do well. I miss trips to Nashville and New Orleans but it’s just…”

“Too hard?” Victor asks. 

“And I want to take you,” Benji says, “I wanna see those places with you, you know, but the smell is...it’s hard.”

“Do you have any memory of those places with your mom--”

“Oh, yeah,” Benji says, “we’d go on music and flea market runs, you know, because she loved trying to see what treasure she could make out of someone’s junk--she had a good eye.

Benji’s mom, Carol, loved antiquing, though not at formal antique stores or shops. She entertained his love for drawing, music, and singing, having grown up in the church, sharing her love of music with her kids, while working as a children’s librarian. She had, now that he thought about it, inspired him to be a preschool teacher. Talking about her lifts a weight off his chest, a weight he didn’t know he was carrying. Victor’s eyes are engaged, looking at Benji like Victor thinks he’s the best thing in the world. 

As Benji takes in the sun lowering in the sky, he asks, “Am I talking too much? I can’t believe I--”

“I love it,” Victor says, “I guess I should ask more questions because all these amazing stories just fall out of you--”

“Sorry,” Benji says. 

“I love hearing about your life, and the most important relationship you had growing up,” Victor says, taking his face in his hands, “It gives me all the more ways to know you and love you.”

Victor wraps his arms around him and Benji feels like Victor’s hugging the little boy who never knew he’d be loved by such a good man. Benji lets tears fall, unable to have the words for how he feels at that moment. Soothed by Victor’s softness and tenderness, sad because he misses his mother, and conflicted with feeling so much at once. 

“Let’s figure out dinner,” Benji says getting up, “And then we can find a movie to watch on my laptop--I bought a projector and--”

“Sounds good,” Victor says following him. 

  
  


They watch a gay rom-com projected on the living room ceiling, laying over the spread blanket on the floor after they finish eating dinner. “We should do this outside,” Victor says, “while it’s still warm.”

“Definitely,” Benji says, “Without the movie, maybe just a book.”

“Or you and your guitar singing to me,” Victor suggests.

“Hmm,” Benji says, “Maybe.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst is coming! 
> 
> Kudos and comments appreciated, really, XOXO


	15. Victor's fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're looking at 30 chapters here, the boys FINALLY told me what we were going after.

Victor wasn’t ready to hear that Benji was considering quitting the band, between the lessons, and school, he was no longer the consistent lead singer of the band. He goes home with that news, unsure of what to make of it. If it’s what makes Benji happy, he doesn’t have objections. He’s just not sure that’s the case. He’s seen him on that stage and he’s seen him practice, it’s not a thing Benji can give up easily. On his way to work, he reviews the conversation in his head.

They were laying down, watching the movie, and in response to Victor saying he’d like Benji to sing to him, Benji had said  _ maybe.  _ Then Victor asked, “What do you mean? You love singing--”

“Yeah,” Benji said, “I do, but I think I’m taking a break from the band this year, really focus on sustaining lessons--the band feels like more than a hobby with everything else going on…”

“Oh,” was all Victor could say, “And is this like a sure thing? How’d the others react?”

“I haven’t run it by them yet,” Benji answered, “I didn’t expect lessons to start off as well as they had and, I dunno if I wanna give up my Friday nights and the demands of band practice--I feel like I don’t have free time anymore and...I’d like to get used to my new place, you know?”

“Yeah,” Victor said, “I guess.”

Like he didn’t expect Benji to move out on his own, but he did. So, he’s not sure what Benji wanting to walk away from music means. It’s unnerving Victor because Victor’s thinking long term he won’t want to work with a traveling sports team anymore because he wants to be home. He wants to be home with his boyfriend Benji and while more time with Benji would be a great thing--he doesn’t know if he wants more time if that means Benji’s not playing music. 

He knows how Benji gets. This calm surrounds him and he has a way with crowds and he’s really good with writing melodies to lyrics--his own or Gwen’s or Janae’s--and he always ends practice with a rush. 

Victor knows he makes more money than Benji--and while he doesn’t make it a thing, he understands how it could be a thing. And it’s not a thing he can talk about because he’s the one who makes more. He’s the one with higher degrees. He’s the one who’s lived all over and Benji’s never really left Georgia. So, Victor sped through work with lingering thoughts on what was really going on with his concern. 

Their relationship started off slow and sweet. Once they told each other they loved each other, that many more walls were coming down and it was beautiful. Great, really, and he found himself growing comfortable with the idea of being someone in the long haul. Benji’s kindness, vulnerability, sense of humor and creative brain complemented Victor’s extroverted gravitational pull with people, sportsman lifestyle, and appreciation for the arts. It is because he sees them going somewhere, the way they just fit, that Benji’s relationship to playing music is such an important concern.

As the day passed and he went home alone, he knew he’d have to bring it up carefully. He put a TV dinner in the microwave, too tired to cook and wash the dishes for prep as he looked through his music app for a way to unwind. On his way to bed, he sighs. Despite how long it’s been since the summer, he misses the frequency with which Benji would be joining him in bed or crawling in after him. He decides to text Benji,  _ my bed’s going to feel so empty without you.  _

He doesn’t wait for a response, leaving his phone on silent by his nightstand as sleeping music filters through his bedroom. 

He’s still sleeping when Benji responds with,  _ I miss you too--at least my bed still smells like you :-* at least I’ll have that to sleep to.  _

In the morning, Victor responds,  _ Well, I’ll have to figure out a way to make sure your smell sticks to my bed. I sleep so well enveloped by you. <3 Have a great day.  _

The days at work flew by that week, Jones finally coming in for therapy with threats of being benched for the season. By Friday, Benji let him know he was going to be playing with the band that night, looking forward to Victor stopping by. Because Benji had students the following day, Victor wasn’t sure how long after the set they’d have. Still not having figured out how to talk about Benji’s shifting relationship with Sticky Beaks, he held back asking or expecting. 

Like every other Friday, Victor approaches Benji after their set, they walk to Victor’s car and Victor goes about taking him home. 

“Wanna come up?” Benji asks. 

“Yeah,” Victor breathes, finally letting go of the tension he was holding. 

He follows Benji up his stairs, through the door once Benji turns on his light. In the few days since Victor’s been there, Benji has unpacked a few boxes onto shelves, cleared the corner where he wants the piano, and bought a couple of music stands. “You’ve done a lot in a little time.”

“I wanna make sure I’m ready for my students tomorrow,” Benji says walking to the fridge, “and it’s important to not live in boxes.”

“I hear that,” Victor says, plopping himself on the loveseat. 

“Do you have the gay soccer league tomorrow?” Benji asks handing Victor a glass of water, 

Victor shakes his head as he takes his drink, “No, I didn’t sign up for the league again because of the season, you know, so I’m thinking I’ll add hiking or something to keep myself out and about--a couple of folks wanna get dinner next Wednesday so I think I’ll do that.”

“Cool,” Benji says, “Gwen and Janae wanna know if we wanna come for dinner tomorrow?”

“Of course,” Victor says, “if you’re down, I’m down.”

Benji smiles, “I get you the whole weekend?”

Victor nods, “As long as you want me.”

“Always,” Benji says, nestling in his arms. 

“Hey, Benji,” Victor asks, “You still thinking of leaving the band?”

“Not yet,” Benji says, “I just wanna make sure I don’t put too much on my plate, you know, I’m really good at that and I am trying not to be as good.”

“Hmm,” Victor says, “I’ll support you, whatever you need.”

“Thanks, babe,” Benji says, “and now my bed will smell of you again--”

“I gotta figure out how to have your smell linger in mine,” Victor says, “when I reach out for you on waking up, I can’t even find comfort in--”

“Well,” Benji says, “we’ll just have to make sure you go home with one of my shirts.”

“That’s an idea.”

“Mhm.”

“Let’s not keep you up too late,” Victor says, “Especially if you have class at ten am?”

“We’ll have some fun before sleeping, right?”

“Oh, yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for visiting, I LIVE for feedback - kudos, comments, questions. The next chapter was really difficult to write for reasons you'll see once I post it.


	16. Benji's birthday weekend revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not ready to go back home,” Benji answers, picking at his nails. 
> 
> “Hmm,” Victor says, “you’re doing that “I’m nervous” nail-picking thing.” 
> 
> “I just,” Benji says, “it’s just a lot to do over the holiday season and--
> 
> “Let’s not go back to Atlanta till we have to,” Victor says squeezing Benji’s hand, “Right now I just wanna think about you. I’m just thinking about how much I love you.”
> 
> or 
> 
> Benji starts to realize he has fears to name as his birthday weekend comes to a close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in a day?!?!? What are the odds!! Yes, it's true. I go back to school next week so I thought I'd go out with a gift to you.

At least he can give Victor his birthday weekend. Between the student schedule and Victor’s away trips, they have little time to spend together. It’s a regional road trip to take in the autumn colors, interspersed with hikes, and stays at LGBT friendly boutique hotels. Benji loves the weekend, much like he adores Southern autumn. It feels like the summer had been theirs--it was filled with private, romantic time when nothing and no one else in the world mattered. And waking up next to Victor, nothing felt like it needed to either. 

But, on the way back to Atlanta, he had to admit feeling that way was scary. Partly because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to see forever with the person he started dating a year after he got sober again. Partly because he had to contend with what wanting-- _ needing _ \--that would mean. “A penny for your thoughts?” Victor asks. 

“I’m not ready to go back home,” Benji answers, picking at his nails. 

“Hmm,” Victor says, “you’re doing that “I’m nervous” nail-picking thing.” 

“I just,” Benji says, “it’s just a lot to do over the holiday season and--

“Let’s not go back to Atlanta till we have to,” Victor says squeezing Benji’s hand, “Right now I just wanna think about you. I’m just thinking about how much I love you.”

Benji kisses his palm and then folds Victor’s hands in his. He wants this. He can be happy and relaxed and content. It’s gonna be okay. He holds on to this thought, the driving thought behind their six months together, their love for each other is the best thing that’s happened in a while. This is a rough patch. It’s just a bad season as he struggles with what he wants out of life and Victor continues settling into a new job and a new town. 

He knows his own internal reassurances are not enough, that he’ll need a group this week. He falls asleep, like a bad co-pilot, waking up in front of his apartment. “Why do I miss you already?” Benji thinks out loud. 

“Ugh,” Victor says, grabbing Benji’s bag, “tell me why I work a nine to five?”

“I love kids,” Benji says, “at the end of it, I love waking up to grumpy, happy, sleepy kids.”

Victor chuckles as Benji opens the building’s door. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” Victor says, “keep your eyes on the stairs.”

“Fine,” Benji says.

“Kids are much less demanding than athletes and sports’ systems.”

“What,” Benji asks, “grumpy, demanding little people?”

Benji unlocks the door and turns to find Victor rolling his eyes. “Exactly.” 

When he turns on the light, he finds the upright piano his mother left him settled in the corner he had intended to place it. “How did you--

“I saw the address on your table the last time I was here and you said you didn’t know when you were going to be able to, so…

“So?”

“I called your leasing office, Gwen and Janae because they have a spare key and asked them to deliver it while we were out of town.”

Benji’s eyes begin to water. Taking in the scars and worn bench, he feels transported back to the Sunday afternoons he spent learning the machine with his mom. He could see her golden hair catch on sunlight as she took a seat next to him. She nurtured his love for music and allowed him to enhance his skills with musicals he found via YouTube. “Victor,” Benji breathes out, not knowing what to say. “Victor, I’m so--

Benji’s at a loss for words. He presses himself against his boyfriend, overwhelmed by a variety of feelings that didn’t have words to express. 

“Surprise,” he feels Victor say above him.    
He squeezes Victor harder, hoping it says everything he feels. 

Two days later, he finds himself going into an alcoholics meeting. It’s a new group of people. He spends the first week listening like he usually does in a new group. It’s useful to hear other people grappling with transitions--even good ones like his. He returns the following week, after Sarah, one of the sponsors introduces herself to him. In the second week, with the haunting of both his mother’s piano and the looming holiday season, he needs to talk. 

“I just unpacked my mom’s piano,” he said. “It’s been two years since she’s passed and I came home to find it because my boyfriend--he wanted to surprise me. Looking at it so close to when she…”Benji finds he can’t say the words. 

“Have you told him” Mitch, one of the other attendees.

“Benji shakes his head. “I don’t really talk about it with a lot of people, it was days after she...that I relapsed, you know? And she passed in between the holidays and this season’s just rough.”

“How have you been coping?”

“Well, last year, the anniversary falling on four months of sobriety, I--I celebrated Thanksgiving with friends and they came with me to see her. That’s where we celebrated my four-month chip, talking to her. I just don’t know how to include someone else into that conversation, just yet, you know?”

“It can be scary to come clean about everything that happened,” Rosie, another person in the group, starts to say. She narrates her difficulty staying in her family and at her job after coming clean. “Adjusting my new sense of self to my partner, my children was difficult,” she adds, “the pressure was too much sometimes and I just--i had to move away for a while. I know, it’s horrible but,” she pauses, looks around the room, and says, “I felt relieved. I felt I needed to know who I was before I reintegrated, you know. Like I was relieved I could  _ earn  _ the right to be in my family again. That I could make that choice in ways I felt I hadn’t before--

Her story stays with Benji as he leaves. As much as he loves Victor, he’s not sure how to integrate that aspect of who he is with him. On arriving home, he has to admit he’s never really wanted to. Even as his phone rings with Victor’s face coming through, he can’t answer it. He wants to figure out why he can’t tell Victor about what drove him to relapse. As he sits down at his drawing table, he pulls out a notebook, empty and clear, and begins to write. After an hour of writing, he realizes that he doesn’t want to share that part of himself with Victor because of all his work in getting sober. All he’s done is build his life around the wound. The band helps him be creative but he doesn’t talk about the hurt--not outside of alcoholics anonymous, really. And he stopped going to AA because he had a rhythm. He started going to the group more frequently again because Derek flirted with him, probably in response to Victor. He went when he was lonely for someone who would understand what he was going through, though he’d never talk about that loneliness with his friends. 

Or Victor. 

Victor could only do so much to address that loneliness if he wasn’t naming it--if he wasn’t facing his grief himself. 

He tries to go to sleep with these thoughts, not knowing what to do with them. On the one hand, there’s the part of him that says Victor won’t care. Every time he’s talked about what’s been hard for him, Victor’s been perfect. He knows there’s enough evidence to make the case for Victor’s unconditional support. On the other hand, it’s not about what Victor thinks. It’s about what he thinks and his conscience doesn’t let him sleep that night because, well, he doesn’t know what he thinks. 

Not knowing what he thinks or how he feels scares him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooooooooo, what do you think? How do you think Victor and Benji will talk about it? When? Share your thoughts, your kudos, your questions, ALWAYS appreciated readers, :) Happy Friday (in the US)


	17. Holiday season, Holiday sadness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey stranger,” Benji says.   
> “Oh,” Victor says, “hey.”  
> “I haven’t heard from you in a while--  
> “I’ve been busy,” Victor says, “hanging out with friends.”  
> “Oh.”
> 
> or birthday revelations lead to...more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, writing the next couple chapters kept me in a funk...I went on a writing binge to get out of the...you'll see

Victor’s devastated when Benji says he doesn’t want to come with him to see Mia, Andrew and their twins. Since his birthday weekend, Benji has been  _ off.  _ He hasn’t made time for phone calls and will send a random text here and there. He knows Benji’s going to group on Tuesday’s. And he knows he’s not playing on Friday’s anymore. He also knows that seeing Mia and Andrew and the twins will do his heart good. It hasn’t been that long with the awkwardness. Victor feels himself being internally clingy, and tries to get comfortable with the idea that the lack of communication isn't a problem. 

He drives to Mia’s, needing the solitude to think through the past couple weeks. He’s worried that he’s been pushing on Benji, demanding too much of his time and maybe not asking the right questions. Benji’s guardedness, at once endearing in the ways he would peel off layer by layer of himself, feels unsure to Victor. He doesn’t know how to talk about it and he doesn’t know if there’s anything he can do. 

On arriving at Mia and Andrew’s, he sees them through the window. He throws his jacket on, before getting out of the car. Then, he pulls out his suitcases. One of his clothes and another filled with gifts for the twins. He’s totally that uncle. Mia and Andrew live in a two story home with a wrap around porch, something their parents helped them buy. They were kind and humble, despite the wealth they came from--most likely because they were Southern Black wealthy, Mia the daughter of a university president and Andrew the son of a second-generation developer. Mia’s a nurse practitioner who shared a number of classes with Victor--people of color had to stick together. 

“Tio,” he hears the chorus of twins squeal as Mia opens the door for him. 

“Lucy! Zora!” 

They tackle him quickly, to the delight of Mia. He walks with each of them clinging to a leg. “I can’t believe they remember you--

“I haven’t been away that long,” Victor says, “and I  _ am  _ their favorite uncle.”

“Don’t let my brothers hear that,” Andrew says over the table he’s setting, “how was the drive?” 

“Quiet,” Victor says, as the twins disconnect themselves from their favorite uncle, “so I’m looking forward to kids’ laughter this weekend.” 

“Andrew’s brothers’ families booked hotels so you’re the only one staying with us--

“Until Lake arrives,” Andrew reminds her, “which reminds me.”

“She’s moving to Atlanta--

“Really?” Victor says. 

“Any pointers you can give her would be great,” Andrew says, “she’s starting a new job at a local TV station down there.”

“Word?”

“Yeah,” Mia says, “my best friend through high school, strawberry blonde always with her nose on the news…”

“Cool,” Victor says, “at least she won’t move there on her own.”

“Definitely.”

He helps Mia clean up after dinner as Andrew gets the girls ready for bed. “Where’s Benji?” Mia asks. 

“Doing the holidays with his chosen family back in Atlanta,” Victor says with a sigh, “ever since I brought him mom’s piano, he’s been distant. He just told me that he went to her grave on Sunday--

“Told you?”

“Like he didn’t invite me,” Victor says, handing her dishes to load in the dishwasher. 

“I’m sorry,” Mia says, “that must have been rough.”

“I mean he’s dealing with grief he’s buried,” Victor explains, “and he acknowledges he hasn’t been honest with himself about it, so I guess I just…”

“Give him the space he needs?”

“Yeah,” Victor says, “I haven’t given him the key I made, though I’m pretty sure he knows about it. We see each other every other week if we’re lucky. I mean, his birthday weekend was the last weekend we had where we didn’t have to worry about work or lessons or anyone else…”

“I remember long distance for Andrew and me being difficult,” Mia says, “I know it’s not for the same reasons, but that time was useful in letting us get to know who we were without each other and if who we were becoming was something we wanted to share with the other.”

“I guess I’m just nervous that I got into a relationship too quickly and I’ll end up on my own again in a matter of time…”

“Victor,” Mia says, “that sucks. I mean it’s hard to share the wounds of not having a mom--

“But you shared that with me,” Victor says,” that’s how we bonded, you know?”

“But our parents are still alive and we still have other parents who love us--you’ve told me that Benji’s been rebuilding family since, right, because his dad and sister stopped talking to him.” 

Victor sighs, “I can recognize that maybe I sought too much too quickly, you know. It’s not like I can play soccer with the team’s schedule and I took for granted--

“Took for granted that this is a great time to work on friendships?”

Victor shrugs, “Benji did call us lesbians.” 

Mia laughs, “You’re hilarious. I mean, seriously…”

“What?!” 

“You two went a long time--

“Barely a year for me--

“Exactly,” Mia says, “I don’t know what it’s like to be single--I mean, I know, I’m a horrible source for advice like this. But I know about the need for individual time, you know, like Andrew still has bro’s night and once a year we both go in vacations away from each other, Dad and Veronica taking the twins or the Spencers taking them on--

“I also know I  _ really  _ want kids,” Victor says, “and I want a long-term commitment. I’m indifferent to marriage if our partnership can get recognized...I want forever and kids and all the things that are politically incorrect to want--

“And it’s a lot of work,” Mia says, “every day kind of work. Balancing time, keeping your head on your shoulders, you know. You’ve been in relationships just because they were something to do--you talk about Benji like there’s more than that and I’m so happy for you--that you’re letting yourself feel things.” 

“That’s what makes it all so scary,” Victor says, “I’ve never been happier, or more in love and I just...you know...I have more to lose now.”

Mia hugs him, “And that’s beautiful.”

In the morning, he wakes up with the Spencer-Brooks family, sees them off to work and promises to take the twins to the park when it gets warmer. They are not yet of school age and, with Victor in town, Mia and Spencer inadvertently gave their childcare a paid vacation. He loves that about his job, that he can spend time with family for as long as he wants over school-based holidays. Pilar got Christmas, per usual given that she went to Sammy’s uncles for turkey day and Roger spent Turkey Day with his kids. 

The twins chase him all day, and he wears them out by their nap time. During that time, he decides to text Benji.  _ Charlotte’s beautiful right now.  _

_ Kids just started napping, can’t wait to see pictures.  _

Victor sends him a selfie of him and the twins. 

_ Is it wrong to be jealous of toddlers? They get to hold you and I can’t… _

Victor reads and rereads the message. He considers typing  _ You could be in their place if you wanted me around _ but decides against it. It’d be passive aggressive and, worse, reveal how not okay he was about spending the holidays apart. 

He looks in on the twins, asleep in their shared, by choice, room. They’re beautiful, innocent, and looking at them confirms that yes, he wants the rough nights, hair care, and the softness of their neediness till they’re aching to let go. 

Shit, he thinks to himself as the door rings. 

He looks through the peep hole and finds Lake standing there with suitcases. Mia had let him know where she was staying, “Hey Lake,” Victor greets, “long time.”

“I know!” Lake says wrapping her arms around him. 

“Lucy and Zora are sleeping,” he whispers. 

“Got it--you got the skinny of the food to order, I’m famished and want to use no dishes.”

“Sure.”

Victor pulls out the menus, and they sit over them, debating on what to eat. The arrival of the girls narrows their choices. The girls wore them ragged until their parents came home, which is when they switched over to sharing their drawings, and dragging them all over the house and getting fed with dinner. 

It feels like life before Atlanta. Mia has been the family he’s had away from home. Late night laughter over ice cream and coffee mixed with banter, trivia nights, spades and random pop culture references. Each night of the week is like that, a reminder that he can people and laugh and be part of communities of people he chooses. Every time he’s been with someone it’s been like this, his friends were his. The Brooks and the Spencers are delightful, they’ve been a staple in his holiday season since his first year in college. He navigates their families like his own, save the Spanish. 

It’s a relief, he feels, a different kind of relief than falling and being in love with him, although in the same vein of belonging. Hugs, laughter, catching up on life in Atlanta, Chapel Hill, Richmond, among the other towns where people travel in from. In the midst of that, he can talk to Lake about where to hang out, which farmers markets work and which gyms to join. He’s warm and at home and sees what years of work, of phone calls, road trips and air travel have provided him. A family he built with time, dedication and patience. 

He rides home, relieved and less stressed than when he arrived, grateful for the clarity time away provided. He lands home, exhausted, ready to wrap up the season and make a point to say yes to a lot more invitations to hanging out. And with holiday parties and fundraisers, he finds his calendar fills very quickly. As he checks his calendar for the holiday parties he’s going to before he makes his way to Orlando, he picks up the phone without thinking. 

“Hey stranger,” Benji says. 

“Oh,” Victor says, “hey.”

“I haven’t heard from you in a while--

“I’ve been busy,” Victor says, “hanging out with friends.”

“Oh.”

Victor doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t mean to forget he had a boyfriend since Thanksgiving.  _ Honestly,  _ he didn’t. He can’t help what hearing Benji’s voice does to him, though, a tightening in his chest, the need to take in a deep breath and sigh. It’s very different than how they felt in November. It’s not that Benji’s voice isn’t still soothing; isn’t still the voice he wants to hear first thing every morning. It’s everything else. It’s the lesbian joke; it’s him getting a new place; it’s not spending Thanksgiving together. It’s everything that put into question this community he thought he was all of a sudden part of. And those things, those people he left behind in the quest to enjoy being in love, they needed time. They needed time, and energy and he didn’t--he doesn’t want to miss someone who needs time and space. 

“Is everything okay,” Benji asks, and Victor softens his shoulders because he hears the wounded puppy in his voice and he has to catch himself. This is when he gets sentimental, he knows that about himself. He remembers. 

“I’ve missed you,” Benji says, “I know that spending the holidays apart with everything that was going on with me was--

“It was good for me,” Victor interjects and he knows it’s a feeble, passive aggressive way to protect his heart. 

“Oh,” Benji says, “I wanted to talk about that...I wanted to talk about it in person...you sound upset--

“I’m not,” Victor lies. 

“Really upset,” Benji insists, “can we talk? Please?” 

“That big starbucks downtown,” Victor says, “Saturday morning work? I’m gonna watch the games this week and--

“Yeah,” Benji says, “Saturday works.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? What are you thinking? feeling, let me know, more ahead...


	18. Needed communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sorry,” Victor says, “a lot on my mind and I wanted to make sure we had a table.”  
> “It’s strange to get breakfast,” Benji admits, “I like cooking for you.”  
> “Didn’t want to put you out,” Victor says looking out the window, “I’m surprised you don’t have classes today--  
> “Holiday season,” Benji says, “Giving myself a break so I can spend more time with the people I care about--  
> Victor turns away from the window and, on meeting Benji’s eyes, Benji can see his discomfort.  
> “I know I haven’t been myself lately,” Benji says, “and I know that not talking to you about how I’m feeling isn’t fair. Because our relationship needs better communication than that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strong recommend tissue.

Benji gets off the phone, devastated. He calls Gwen’s but no one answers. He then calls his sponsor. He talks about his feelings, what he fears meeting at a neutral space downtown may mean. He talks about why he didn't question it, that short breath, that cold tone, and the time between them. It’s hard to be angry about the lack of calls and the silence and the coldness. IF he’s honest with himself, it was the risk he took in not letting Victor be there for him. It helps to talk to someone. It helps to listen to another story of uncertainty and struggle in trying to love themselves beyond the unintentional hurt behind our choices. 

Some of his students are playing at the Christmas concert and it’s sweet. Hearing how far they’ve come fills his heart with pride. He pulls out his phone to text Victor about how his heart is swollen with pride at that moment. He’s not sure how to tell him because, even as he types it out, he realizes this would have been--could have been--something he shared with Victor if he invited him. He does text Gwen, Janae, and Matt and Kenny about it. If anything, he’d see them for dinner on Saturday, which would ease the blow of whatever happened that morning. And there was another group meeting that afternoon if he really needed it. 

He wears a wintergreen turtleneck sweater and dark wash jeans, before throwing on a jacket and a hat. He looks at himself in the mirror before he puts his air pods in and starts walking. He puts on a meditative listening playlist, trying to find calm. He has missed Victor. He regrets not having the tools to share the continued grief about his mother with him. He’s hidden from it for so long, having to come to terms with what it means, and he knows he can’t do it alone. And he knows he’ll need to go to therapy about it. He needs to trust himself to speak and to be heard. He’s thirty-one and he still feels young and silly, like the teenage kid whose gayness was taken seriously in the process of losing his family. 

He arrives at the Starbucks, a little out of breath, very hungry. The line’s long, he turns off his music and texts,  _ I’m here in line,  _ to Victor as he scans the room to see if Victor’s there.

He hears his phone ding with Victor’s ring tone.  _ Almost there. Sent my order via the app, so… _

_ Okay,  _ he texts back,  _ can’t wait to see you.  _

He slides his phone back into his pocket as he orders a wrap, a brownie, and a hot tea. As he moves to wait alongside the others who ordered before him, he hears “Hey,” next to him. 

“Oh,” Benji says, turning towards Victor, “hey.”

“I’ll go grab a table,” he says as he searches for his order on the online order shelf. 

Benji joins him at a table by the window, unable to hide the disappointment from his face. 

“No PDA this morning?”

“Sorry,” Victor says, “a lot on my mind and I wanted to make sure we had a table.”

“It’s strange to get breakfast,” Benji admits, “I like cooking for you.”

“Didn’t want to put you out,” Victor says looking out the window, “I’m surprised you don’t have classes today--

“Holiday season,” Benji says, “Giving myself a break so I can spend more time with the people I care about--

Victor turns away from the window and, on meeting Benji’s eyes, Benji can see his discomfort.

“I know I haven’t been myself lately,” Benji says, “and I know that not talking to you about how I’m feeling isn’t fair. Because our relationship needs better communication than that.”

“Thank you for saying that not talking to me isn’t fair,” Victor says, twisting the cup insulator. “I’ve been working on spending more time with friends so I’ not so lonely--

“You’ve been lonely?” Benji asks, reaching out for Victor’s hand. 

“I didn’t do a good job,” Victor begins to say as he pulls his hand back, “I didn’t do a good job of building new friendships here, so I’m focusing on that. Making friends around my interests; watching games and talking strategy, it’s been...nice.”

Benji leans back, not sure what to say or do. “I didn’t know you were lonely--

“You had your own stuff,” Victor says with a shrug, “I imagine it’s a lot and you’ll share it with those who you feel safe with--

“It’s not about safety, Victor,” Benji says, “I didn’t have the words to talk about what I was feeling about my mom and about what it means. I didn’t want someone to tell me how to feel--and I didn’t trust myself to talk to you about it and not feel that way.”

Victor takes a sip of his drink. Benji searches his face in an attempt to assess what he was feeling. For once, he was a man of little words that morning. “I want to know more about your loneliness if you wouldn’t mind sharing,” he offers.

“I dunno,” Victor says, “I’ve been trying not to miss you and to trust your process.”

“Thanks,” Benji says picking at his wrap, “that means a lot.”

“But it hurts,” Victor says, “and it’s a lot of work to tell myself it’s not me, which is when I realized I needed to work hard at building a community here, especially if I was thinking about being committed to living here long-term. It got me thinking about a lot of things and,” Victor says, “it’s hard being here, with you.”

“Hard,” Benji asks “why?”

“Because I don’t know how long it will last,” Victor admits, “and being in a new town, trying to not be lonely all the while being in love with someone who doesn’t find he can figure himself out in my company--

“It’s not because I don’t trust you,” Benji says, “I didn’t realize what I was keeping from myself and--

“It’s hard? Hard knowing someone you love can’t enjoy your growth with you, your joy with you because you can’t pick up a phone or go to their house and you look at something that reminds you that they are gone all the time,” Victor says, “except it’s not the 'gone' that’s out of state or out of town or out of touch...it’s the gone that can’t come back?”

Benji nods. “I’ve never been the strong one. The one that can face challenges by themselves and be okay. I want to be okay, Victor. I want to know I can take care of you like you think I can.”

He watches Victor take another sip and unwrap his sandwich. 

Benji unwraps his own. His nerves compel him to eat faster than normal. Every other bite, he looks up at Victor, trying to gauge what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. It’s nerve-wracking when all he wants to do is be with him, all the time. He wants to watch games with him and his friends. He wants to go on holiday trips to see family. He wants to wake up every morning next to him. He just wants to want those things and feel like enough for himself, not just Victor. 

“It sucks that you feel that way,” Victor says, “I know my dad felt that way when he ghosted us--it was hard to think that someone who had done so much for us let the world tell him that he couldn’t--that he couldn’t step up. That once he failed he could only get better by never trying with us again--

“Victor,” Benji says, “it’s nothing like that,” he reaches out and takes Victor’s wrist in his hand, holding himself steady, “this is me trying.”

“It doesn’t mean I’m not scared,” Victor says, “it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. That  _ this  _ doesn’t hurt?”

Swallowing his bite, Benji says, “I take responsibility for not trusting I had the tools to be vulnerable with you about the lingering pain of missing my mother.” 

“I know I still have hurt around my Dad’s choices to work out,” Victor says, worrying his lip, “I can’t put that all on you, you know.”

“And you haven’t,” Benji says, “you’ve always been forthcoming about them and even held a lot back so I could feel--so we could move at a pace that gave me--gives me everything I needed. You were--you’ve been everything I--

“And I lost myself a bit,” Victor says, “I thought we were perfect and we’re not, are we?”

Benji shrugs, “I dunno about perfect, but I feel we’re pretty great together. And if you give me another chance,” he says pressing his foot against Victor’s, “I feel like we can be better than we were…”

“Maybe,” Victor says, “but I’d be lying to say it was just you trying to name the unnameable grief of losing your mom or my estrangement from my dad--I don’t want to feel as alone as I did in believing we were a sure thing--

“Victor, you’re not--

“I haven’t been honest with you and I tried to just hold space but,” Victor pauses and Benji can see his watery eyes, “but I’m afraid of being alone in a new place if you change your mind again--and I’m afraid that I’ll do whatever it takes because I’ve never felt this way and--and I don’t want this fear anymore.”

Benji wants to say the fear is worth it; that they’re worth it. He wants to be selfish and possessive. “I still have fears,” Benji admits instead, “if you’ll let me, I guess I’m asking us to face these fears together.”

Benji still goes to AA but cancels his dinner plans because Victor agreed to continue the conversation they started that morning. It’s hard to be hopeful and excited about the time they have in front of them. But he’s nervous. In all of his patience and constant support, Victor’s never been guarded, protective. He’s never been anything but optimistic. Benji meditates on his fears, breathing through them as he takes out the pots and pans he set out on having. As he starts pulling ingredients out of the fridge, he gets a text message from Victor saying,  _ can we go out to eat--my treat--I’ll pick you up at 6 if that’s okay?  _

Benji responds,  _ Sure, what should I wear?  _

_ We’re going to True Food,  _ Victor texts,  _ I suppose something like what you were wearing this morning. _

He puts everything away. He freshens up, adds some product to his hair after rinsing the day out of it. Then he changes throws on a red turtleneck sweater because he stained the green one with coffee. It’s a little cheesy to wear Christmas colors in December, he realizes. Victor rings the doorbell and, even though Benji rings him in, he never knocks. “Hey,” Benji says as he opens the door. 

“Hey,” Victor says, his eyes are a little glassy. 

“You okay?”

“I had a rough afternoon,” Victor says.

“What happened?” 

“A small panic attack,” Victor answers, “hasn’t happened since MCAT.”

“What happened?”

“Seeing you again,” Victor says as they make it to his car. “I’m really scared.”

“Babe,” Benji says, taking his hands, “you’re shaking.”

“I’m trying,” Victor says, taking in a deep breath. “I was really trying--

“You sure you wanna go out?”

Victor nods, “I’m trying to be on good behavior here,” he explains, “and if I go upstairs, I won’t trust that we’ll  _ actually  _ talk.”

“Okay,” Benji says, “are you good to drive?”

Victor nods, opens the door for Benji, and then gets in on his side of the car. 

The drive is silent and, on arrival, they’re seated at a booth. The Christmas decor is subtle, thankfully, and people are sparsely scattered among high tables at the boor and across other booths and tables. When they’re seated, Benji takes Victor’s hands in his, mimicking his deep breaths. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Victor says, “thanks.” 

“We can still hold hands if you want,” Benji offers.

“I’m sorry,” Victor says, “a lot of what I thought I could move past has now become the unsaid and that’s not fair. It’s not fair to either of us.”

“So, Benji says, “tell me. I wanna know.”

“I don’t know how to say it without coming off as not supportive,” Victor says, “and I know I’ve been working through that for a really long time--I dunno how to say I respect how you have to figure yourself out, I just wish I didn’t want more.”

“That’s a good way of saying it,” Benji says. 

“I know you know about my extra key that could have been yours. And I don’t know if I’m angrier that I hadn’t given it to you when I wanted or angrier that you knew and didn’t tell me.”

“I should have told you,” Benji says, “and I wish we had the conversation--

“You made that lesbians joke when I made that drawer, called my apartment home, and then still decided to move out on your own.”

“I’ve never been out on my own, not really,” Benji says. “As much as being with you feels good and right and like everything I need, I think I’ve been expecting people to fill the hole left with my mother’s death and--and it wasn’t fair that I expected Gwen, Janae or anyone else to fill it. Waking up every morning on my own, going home on my own, I have gotten to see so much of that and I see--

“Good evening, gentlemen, do you know what you would like to order?”

“I’d like to start with a lemonade,” Victor says. 

“A sweet tea for me, please,” Benji says, “thank you.”

“Comin right up.”

When the waiter leaves the table, Benji completes his thought, “I know I want to take my time to build my life for my own sake. I know I want you in it.”

Victor folds his fingers together and twiddles his thumbs, “I told my mom and sister I won’t be going to Florida this year,” he says, “I don’t want to explain what’s going on here because I don’t trust how they’ll react or how I’ll communicate it--

“I’m sorry, I know how important your family is--

“It  _ is  _ important,” Victor says, “and I  _ know  _ I want kids--

“Oh,” Benji takes a deep breath. 

“Yeah,” Victor says, “I used to think that was negotiable and falling in love I realized--I realized it wasn’t.”

Benji felt his face warm up. “And you’d be a great dad.”

“I think so, too,” Victor says as their drinks arrive. 

Their conversation stunts with the news. Benji doesn’t know what to say to that. He hasn’t thought that far ahead about what he wants. And he knows he doesn’t want to lose Victor as much as he knows that lying won’t work either. They forego appetizers and each order a meal. When the waiter leaves again, Benji says, “I want you to have everything that you want, V.”

“I don’t think I can have  _ everything, _ ” Victor says, “and I have to figure out what I want more…”

“You shouldn’t have to choose, V,” Benji says.

“I know,” Victor says, “I know.”

They eat their meals with half words and shaken heads. Benji can’t hold Victor’s gaze for long.  _ Is this why Victor chose chain restaurants? because he was a small business restaurant kind of guy? Was he intended to break up with him?  _ Benji couldn’t keep his eyes from watering. “You didn’t know that this morning?”

“I didn’t know if I wanted to start from scratch or if that was even possible--

“Possible? I was still processing that you didn’t want to break up with me--

“Why would I,” Benji hisses, “I love you--

“I love you, too,” Victor breathes, “bu--and we want different things, looks like.”

They end dinner silently. Victor grabs the check, pays for it, and they walk to the car in a silence that breaks his heart. They both have tears streaming down their face as they get in the car. It’s civil and respectful and horrible. There’s nothing to yell about, nothing to argue or defend or take back. “I, uh,” Victor says as they pull up to Benji’s building, “I did pack your things from my place--

“You packed my things--

“Yeah,” Victor says getting out of the car.

Benji immediately follows, feeling absolutely numb. He follows Victor around to the back of the car, where Victor pulls out a box filled with clothes, a mug, a bottle of body spray. He takes it, “Victor, I--

“I really hope you let someone love you through your grief,” VIctor says putting the keys and his hands in his pockets, “you’re worth more than you know.”

“Victor,” Benji hears his voice crack and it doesn’t feel like him, it can’t be.  _ This can’t be happening.  _

“You should get inside before it gets cold,” Victor says running his arm across his face. “I wouldn’t want you to get sick--

“But your things,” Benji says, desperate for more time, for more anything. 

“I never spent enough time here to leave anything,” Victor says, “did I?”

Benji stands there, watching Victor’s car shrink away. He walks in. Enters his apartment, drops the box. Afterward, he leans against the wall, gravity pulling him down and cries. He cries until his body gives out with the exhaustion and he falls asleep, clutching at his heart. 

***

On the other side of town, Victor falls asleep in the same way, except he’d had just enough energy to make it to his bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you doing? How you feelin? Every time I read this, I was like :'(


	19. Old friends with the New Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love this place,” Lake says as he begins unpacking his things, “it’s hip--
> 
> “And I’ll give it my homey comfy spin on it soon enough.”
> 
> “You got a new couch--
> 
> “I definitely got a new couch,” Victor says, “I only kept my bed because it was perfect. And that couch followed me from med school and--no, I’m good.”
> 
> “Fair enough,” Lake says, sitting at a stool in his kitchen, “why didn’t you buy?”
> 
> “Because I want a guy with the person I spend the rest of my life with and because it’s not the kind of commitment I want to make right now. I want to have a job that requires less travel and makes more when I get there--
> 
> “You plan on finding it in Atlanta?”
> 
> OR 
> 
> Victor spends December holidays with Mia and learns Lake's moving to ATL.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't leave my faithful readers on a sad note, esp with the school year starting (for me)

With the week of Christmas off, Victor loses himself in volunteering, journaling calls to family and friends, and apartment hunting. With his lease almost up, he wants a bigger place, a new place without the memories he and Benji shared in every corner of his apartment. He doesn’t want to remember the baths they took or the way Benji stood in the doorway to each room. He doesn’t want to look at the sink and recall the dinner they had together. 

It’s too much. 

On Christmas Day, he goes to Catholic service, he volunteers at a halfway houses’ buffet dinner before going home and assessing which boxes to start packing. He didn’t tell Benji the reason he had packed his things was because he was moving to a new place in mid-January. He doesn’t tell him that. “Victor,” Lake calls the day after Christmas, “I need a date for New Year’s Eve--

“And you called the only single person you know--

“No,” Lake says, “I’m worried about you. Mia told me about--

“Where are we going?”

Lake was a great distraction. She offered to give him a recommendation for her building, there was a new condo opening up, but Victor just wanted another apartment. A two-bedroom somewhere between where he lived and where she lived. He had options and he wanted to be moved in before the second term of school started. 

Lake brings him to a work party, he’s her date to the people who are too flirty and he’s her best friend to the people who aren’t. She’s a good distraction and laughing with her, dancing with her gets his endorphins running and he forgets. He forgets for a while that he broke up with his boyfriend a week before Christmas. He forgets that it hurts, that they’ve been quiet with each other since before then. He forgets and decides to text him, “Happy New Year, I miss you,” as the countdown begins. 

He’s drinking sparkling cider while Lake’s getting tipsy on champagne. They’re each other’s first platonic kiss, and it’s fun and it’s a rush. And she asks him to take her home at 2 am. As he drags himself up the stairs, walks into an apartment half-filled with boxes, he sets his phone to charge. In the morning, getting ready to call his sister, he finds a missed call and a voicemail. “Shit,” he tells himself, “and I wasn’t even drunk--Fuck!” 

He unplugs his phone and starts his coffee. As tempting as it would be to listen to the message, to even call him back. He can’t. He shouldn’t. He’s moving in a week, the movers need his inventory. New Year. New Victor. 

As his Bustelo starts to brew and he inserts slices of bread in the toaster, he hears his sister’s phone ring. “Buen dia, Pilar.”

“You know these kids don’t give me a break--

“Life goals,” he jokes. 

“So what did you do last night?”

“Lake dragged me to a party, it was fun. I was her DD and it was nice hanging out with different people. Media people are hilarious--

“Truth, brother,” Pilar says. “You and Benji still not talking--

“Nope,” Victor says, “we want different things. It sucks, but I’m okay.”

“Who are you talking to about it--

“You and Lake?”

“Hmm,” Pilar says, “and you’re not putting yourself out there yet, right?”

“God no,” Victor says, “I dated the first guy I meet on moving here, it blows up in my face, I am good.” 

“Good,” Pilar says, “are you talking to someone about your panic attacks?” 

“No. I thought your New Years resolution was to let go of control--

“And yours was holding yourself accountable to needing people--

“That was last year's

“Oh, right,” Pilar says, “this is the year you work out your daddy issues.”

“Pilar!” 

“C’mon,” Pilar says, “therapy worked for me, no reason it can’t work for you--

“It’s difficult with my schedule--

“Says the fixer,” Pilar interrupts, “talk to someone who won’t distract you or yell at you, V.”

“Fine!” 

“I’m gonna check on you after you move--

“I’ll do it, Pilar,” Victor says, “I sent a pseudo drunk text so might as well--

“What did you say?”

“Happy New Year,” Victor answers, “before midnight.”

“And he doesn’t want kids right?”

“He didn’t say yes,” Victor says, “and I told him it was non-negotiable. Everything else we could work through, just not that.” 

“Fair enough, Pilar says, “fair enough.”

They spend a few more minutes talking about family drama, laughing at their cousins, and Victor delighting in the growth report of his sobrinos. He then moves on to talk to his mother who dotes, voices concern and says she’ll be up to visit once he has a room for her to stay in. After that, it’s Mia and Andrew. Then he calls Lake to make sure she’s not too hungover. With them being neighbors, he promises she’ll be the first he invites over for dinner. 

Afterward, he continues to pack, deleting Benji’s missed call line from his call history and never listening to the voicemail. 

His new apartment is in a newer building. The exterior is a sign of gentrification, much to his frustration but at least he has an elevator, covered parking, and access to new coffee shops and restaurants that don’t have any of the memories that haunt him from the other places. The building, much to his appreciation, also allows dogs for a small fee. “I love this place,” Lake says as he begins unpacking his things, “it’s hip--

“And I’ll give it my homey comfy spin on it soon enough.”

“You got a new couch--

“I definitely got a new couch,” Victor says, “I only kept my bed because it was perfect. And that couch followed me from med school and--no, I’m good.”

“Fair enough,” Lake says, sitting at a stool in his kitchen, “why didn’t you buy?”

“Because I want a guy with the person I spend the rest of my life with and because it’s not the kind of commitment I want to make right now. I want to have a job that requires less travel and makes more when I get there--

“You plan on finding it in Atlanta?”

“Eventually,” Victor says, “I like it here. I see color and the queers and I’m close enough to family to drive.”

“That’s fair,” Lake says, “I stayed away from Texas because I have  _ too  _ much family there--

“You’re not close?”

Lake shakes her head, “when I wanted to be behind the scenes instead of in front of the camera, they weren’t too happy. I worked hard to not bank on my family’s legacy more than I had to get where I am.”

“Hmm,” Victor says, remembering the story. Her mom was a well-known news anchor in Houston, She had a paternal uncle in radio and an aunt in talent management. That she wanted to be more brains than personality was a disappointment to them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do think about the way I incorporated Lake into the story? Yay for dog planning, right?!   
> As always, kudos and comments keep me writing. I love opening my email and reading your reactions. It's like there are other people in need of contact.


	20. Valentine's Day Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How's Benji holding up months after that painful conversation?
> 
> “I never thought my life would be like this, though,” Benji admits. “I thought I’d do more with music.”
> 
> “You were the one who stopped singing with us,” Janae reminds him.
> 
> “I know,” Benji says, “I needed to prove to myself I could take care of myself and I made a couple of decisions I regret about that--like before my mom got sick, I totally wanted kids and to travel regionally playing in our band, you know? Especially in the summer. Losing her I felt I lost the right to want more than being okay. Like I couldn’t risk losing anymore unless I’d slip again.”
> 
> “You moved out at the right time,” Janae says, “and I always figured you’ll come back to the band eventually--I mean I do love what I contribute to the performances now.”
> 
> “I love what your voice does with the lyrics I’ve written--
> 
> “Thanks,” Janae says, “but I never wanted to sing. It’s something I learned to love because Gwen loves it. And I love what makes her smile.”
> 
> “I know what that’s like,” Benji says, “I’ve seen it.”
> 
> “I never thought I’d co-own a craftsman I grew up with and have my dad as a roommate, but here we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I love Gwen, Janae, and Kenny because I LOVE writing them. They're Benji's chosen family in all the messy beautiful ways that they co-exist.

Benji’s going to group twice a week, he goes to therapy Wednesday nights and keeps his family dinners at the Cooper’s house. By February, he appreciates his rhythm, adding reading and tickling the ivories for himself for entertainment and release. The box of the things he had at Victor’s is tucked in the back of a closet because he couldn’t bring himself to throw it away or integrate it among his things. 

“Hey,” Matt says as he opens the door for him, “looking good.”

“Thanks,” Benji says.

“He’s too thin!” Kenny shouts from the couch. “He needs to start eating.”

“Daddy!” Gwen hisses, “be nice.”

“Mhmm,” Kenny says, adding a grumbled, “troublemakers,” under his breath. 

“Good to see you, too, Kenny,” Benji says, taking off his coat. “Spades after dinner?”

“I was thinking dominoes,” Kenny says, “just got a new set.”

“I never learned how to play,” Benji says.

“We’ll teach you,” Janae says, walking into the front wearing an apron and wiping her hands with a dishtowel, “we’ve taught you everything else--

“Now don’t go sharing our tricks,” Kenny says.

“I share my songs with you, I won’t share your tricks with anyone else--

“Good,” Kenny says, getting up, "I’ma help set the table.”

Janae sits next to Benji on the couch, “how you doin?”

“One day at a time,” Benji says, “my therapist gave me homework, asking me to describe what I want my life to look like in five years.”

“That’s a good call,” Janae says, “I have that conversation with myself at least twice a year.”

“Yeah?”

“I knew I wanted to be a business owner before I left for college. I knew I wanted it to involve food and coffee. I also knew, by the time I was done at Emory, I didn’t want to leave Atlanta. Too much family, too much history here.”

“I used to feel that way,” Benji says, “and you and Gwen do a good job of giving me a family to be rooted to, but…”

“It’s not enough,” Janae says, “I’ve known that for a while. You barely talked to us about the toll of your mom’s loss. I figured it was because Kenny’s so good to us and--

“Yeah,” Benji explains, “it’s hard to explain to people whose family loves them no matter what that mine didn’t.”

“I know,” Janae says, “I mean Gwen’s family cares but they live too far from where we are to matter--which is funny to say.”

“It’s totally funny to say” Benji chuckles. “We all live in the same city and don’t see each other.”

“Exactly,” Janae says, “it’s like there are people in Atlanta who never see a gay person or a Black person their entire time here--and I think, how’s that possible?”

“Knowing where to go and where to live,” Benji says, “and when to move out.”

“Exactly.”

“I never thought my life would be like this, though,” Benji admits. “I thought I’d do more with music.”

“You were the one who stopped singing with us,” Janae reminds him.

“I know,” Benji says, “I needed to prove to myself I could take care of myself and I made a couple of decisions I regret about that--like before my mom got sick, I totally wanted kids and to travel regionally playing in our band, you know? Especially in the summer. Losing her I felt I lost the right to want more than being okay. Like I couldn’t risk losing anymore unless I’d slip again.”

“You moved out at the right time,” Janae says, “and I always figured you’ll come back to the band eventually--I mean I do love what I contribute to the performances now.”

“I love what your voice does with the lyrics I’ve written--

“Thanks,” Janae says, “but I never wanted to sing. It’s something I learned to love because Gwen loves it. And I love what makes her smile.”

“I know what that’s like,” Benji says, “I’ve seen it.”

“I never thought I’d co-own a craftsman I grew up with and have my dad as a roommate, but here we are.”

“Here we are,” Benji sighs. 

“C’mon,” Janae says, “I hear the dishes have stopped clattering so they’re probably waiting on us to eat.” 

Gwen and Matt have been in his life since he first got sober and started playing with the band. He knew he was lucky. That his drinking or his attempts at sobriety never affected their dynamic. It’s like he was a messy drunk who drove through a Wendy’s in high school and who blacked out the bereavement days he had taken, waking up in Nashville, but he never hurt the new family in his life. Eating in silence, he takes in their jokes, their banter, debates on politics as the comfort he tends to rely on at the end of the week. It’s been two months of being single, having only friends to call, work to tend to, and these Saturday nights remind him that his love is worth receiving and worth sharing. He’s lucky. Blessed is the better word because he has people who love him through his mistakes and shortcomings and people who love spending time with him. Even Buttons, who tries to beg for scraps, adores his favorite uncle. 

Once coffee’s distributed, Kenny goes grab his dominoes. It’s a larger pack than the one Victor played with. These go up to double nines, so Benji knows this game will be more intense than the rounds he saw in Orlando. Kenny mixes them and they each take their lot. He misses Victor. But, it’s getting easier. While he now knows they want the same things, he also has to come to terms with how that and love aren’t enough--that sometimes, there’s just too much pain in your life to let either of those two things be enough. 

And sitting with friends, coffee, and vegan pastries, and a new game, he finds himself knowing that his pain may be sitting in the room. But, at least it wasn’t sitting in his lap. And, in letting it sit, Benji can breathe, can finally breathe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Benji DOES want kids, huh? Why doesn't he just call Victor and tell him, tell him he wants the same thing?! Ugh, guarded Benji, right? 
> 
> So what happens next, and should I post that today or next week? School's gonna start getting demanding tomorrow and I want to be kind...so maybe, if I get more than 2 comments I'll post it, persuade me...should I post the next chapter? Kudos and comments are the KEY to persuasion ;) ;)


	21. It's right there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor meets Felix, which leads to Felix meeting Lake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized I never write Felix in any of my fics. So, I did because it was necessary for Victor's storyline AND I can't add Lake and not add Felix. That'd be rude!!

“C’mon,” Lake says after their morning run, “it’s right there.”

“My ex’s friend works there,” Victor says as they near High Octane, “and that’s the last thing I want to think about--

“It’s not like he’ll be there--please?”

“Ugh,” Victor says, “fine, but you’re paying.”

“Obvi,” Lake says, “you’re my platonic Valentine--

“How about non-romantic?” He suggests, clearing his throat, “people can be platonic and still romantic.”

“Non-romantic works.”

They walk in and, thankfully, there are no decorations. It’s been hard to traverse businesses in February with all the doily hearts and red and pink everywhere. On looking at their menu, they didn’t even have a special like Starbucks and others did. “Hey,” he hears a familiar voice say.

“Hey,” he says as he reaches the register, “I didn’t see Kenny outside.”

“He slept in this morning,” Janae answers, “we had a late-night dominoes game--we play with domino sets that go up to double nine, though..” 

“I’d be down to learn,” Victor says before introducing Lake to Janae and letting Lake pay for their order. 

“I’ll let Gwen know and invite you over,” Janae says as she hands them their orders. 

As they leave the cafe, Lake observes, “That was easy.”

“What?”

“Being friendly with your ex’s friends.”

“Well,” Victor says, “she’s the reason we actually started dating anyway--so if she liked me enough to date Benji, no reason to stop being friends because Benji and I wanted different things.” 

Lake shrugs as they walk the rest of the way home, talking about the highs and lows of dating while in an established career and over twenty-five. Lake keeps up as his weekend running partner. She goes into work earlier than he does during the week, so he sticks to the track at the gym. Deciding to move down the street from her is the next best decision he’s made. Living in a gayborhood his first year allowed him to find businesses to frequent and introduced him to his first boyfriend. Now he can have a wider array of places to go and a built-in wing person, albeit he wasn’t putting himself out there yet. 

Running the track in the gym allowed him to get to know people at work more. Like he ran into an awkward extrovert he had met during new employee registration when he went back to work on Tuesday. “Long time,” Felix says as they catch each other walking out of the gym. 

“Hey,” Victor says, “yeah--

“How’s the new post?”

“Good, good,” Victor answers, “I’m still here and I had a great annual review so--

“Awesome,” Felix says, “same here, though it feels like I just answer tech questions for faculty unwilling to update their computing skills.”

“Ah,” Victor says, “the generation gap is real.”

“Totally,” he says, “well, I guess I’ll see you later.”

“Later,” Victor says. 

And, funny enough, later comes pretty quickly because they’re both walking through the parking lot at the same time. “This is too funny,” Felix says, “I rarely run into decent people twice in a day.”

“Huh,” Victor says, “yeah, I don’t really talk much with people outside of my department--and it gets boring after a while, no one appreciates my gaming--

“Games? What kind of games? I love games,” Felix says like a new kid in school.

“Well, I have an Xbox at home, and I dabble in board games.”

“Really,” Felix says before he begins rattling off his expertise. 

“Woah,” Victor says, “I’m having people over Friday if you wanna join--and by people, I mean an old college friend, her new work bestie and...yeah, that’s it.”

“Sure,” Felix says, “that’d be awesome.” 

Victor doesn’t tell him it’s a late birthday dinner, something he forgot to plan between his mom canceling her trip to visit and the general pre-Valentine’s Day funk he was in. Seeing Janae was great, having her be open to hanging out even cooler. Winter wasn’t the best for hanging out with soccer friends--he knew he’d sign up for the league again, though he was wary about talking about being single with people who’d gotten used to Benji. Felix could be the chance at having a friend outside of the Benji world. He’d exhausted friends from the athletic department over the holidays and with the post-holiday season, new year demands’ slump of people with people and kids, he needed to expand his networks. 

Felix brought over the latest games he’d bought. The scrawny white dude with hipster hair definitely gives off “tech geek since he had a computer” vibe but in an endearing sort of way. 

Felix hadn’t given off any gay energy and, when Victor picked up on the way he looked at Lake when she was speaking a thousand words a minute, he looked forward to having someone who could quietly obsess and still hang. 

They went a couple of rounds on Felix’s new game before they served cake and ice cream and coffee. Lake and her friend, Chris, spiked theirs with Irish Cream, whereas Victor and Benji took theirs black. “Can’t go wrong with chocolate,” Lake says as she takes a bite.

“Agreed,” Felix says.

“I asked Janae what to get, considering that Little Tart Bakeshop doesn’t really make cakes,” Victor says, “bakers can’t make everything--

“You haven’t eaten in the south until you’ve eaten pie,” Felix says, “and there are so many places to choose from.”

“Cakes are for birthdays,” Lake says, “how are you thinking about pie?”

“Because I love bakeries,” Felix says. “And while this cake is delightful, I feel that if our friend here is going to eat southern baking, he should at least try some pies.”

That leads to Victor and Chris watching Lake and Felix banter about Southern comfort food, pies, and cakes in ways that make them roll their eyes at friends clearly flirting with each other through food. Victor and Chris chuckle to themselves, only interrupting the debate when they get up and offer them more cake, which they both take. It also helps them ease the conversation out of the awkward indirect flirting into conversations regarding the warming air, their intended plans.

Lake is the last one to leave, though not without Victor having made plans with Felix to game the following Wednesday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments kept me writing and revising, thank you so much for all the love today. I was running errands and my email exploded with love and hope and want for more and so I put my groceries away and got back on the computer bc, well, love begets love.


	22. Benji's laundry run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s there longer than he realizes when he walks in, washes his hands, and hears Kenny shout out, “I put your blanket in the dryer.”  
> “Thanks,” he says walking up to the front room and finding Victor playing dominoes with Kenny.  
> “Of course,” Kenny says.  
> He stands there, staring at Victor, heart going a thousand miles a second, “Hi,” is all he can muster saying. 
> 
> OR  
> well, you know, what DOES happen after this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You read the summary, what else is there to say?  
> Oh, wait, there's one thing. So, in this fic, I am really fleshing out the whole Benji 'drank a lot' before coming out for a number of reasons. One, because I feel it's important to talk about recovery. Second, because I feel it sheds insight into his guardedness. Like he's SO guarded, he doesn't talk about his feelings so he, you know, engages in not so great behavior. And sobriety is MORE than about stopping the act, it's also about, well, learning to say what you need bit by bit, one day at a time. So, thanks for riding the wave with me y'all.

Benji feels bad for needing to ask Gwen and Janae to use their machine. After an awkward--homophobic--run in with a neighbor, he didn’t want to place himself in an awkward position again. He’s six months into his lease and while the interaction is enough to want to move, he wants to at least stay there through the end. It’s familiar and safe. He uses the time to talk Spades and Dominoes with Kenny, his secondary father figure. 

He loves spending time with Kenny, a no nonsense man who managed to live through difficult eras of Atlanta’s racist history and love his stud daughter and her femme wife. It’s not hard for him, it was never hard for him. And he takes in Benji, this awkward white gay kid like he doesn’t look like peope who doesn’t believe Kenny should live well. It’s humbling really, because as Southern as Benji loves being, he doesn’t know how to reconcile how people treat people--and maybe yeah, it’s because being gay put a lot into perspective. It’s also about which people are the kindest to him and which people struggle the most. 

As February leads into March, Benji finds himself missing life with the Coopers. He takes in that time differently. He sees what he took for granted before--that he can take care of himself and let people help him out even if a little. It’s humbling, yes, and what’s humbling is how different it feels and looks in comparison to the boyfriend he lived with out of convenience until his mom died. During both college and his first years of teaching, he had housemates, roommates and took care of himself just fine. In his early twenties, his room was the place he slept, not the place he lived. And between the lessons and not being in the band, his tiny one bedroom had become a place he was learning to live by himself. And in living officially by himself, he saw the difference between living alone together and just living alone. 

There was nothing codependent about living alone together. He was scared about it because, well, he was replacing the Campbell’s with the Cooper’s in a way they couldn’t replace them. They couldn’t begin to fill the gap left by his mom, dad and his sister. He couldn’t expect his friends to replace them--and it’s not like he asked them. It’s more that he didn’t sit with the weight of the loss, not really, because he was so busy focusing on his mom. 

“I’ll be there soon,” he says as he closes his driver’s trunk, “want me to pick up anything?”

“No,” Kenny says, “Gwen may be outside in the garden, if that’s something you wanna do while you’re here.”

“Thanks,” Benji says as he walks to the passenger’s seat. 

He unloads the car, adjusts the bag over his shoulder as he walks up the stairs. “Good afternoon, sir,” he says on walking through the door.

“There’s sweet tea in the kitchen and Gwen wants you to join her outback once you start a load.”

“Sounds good,” he says as he walks past Kenny, who’s sitting at the table reading the paper. 

He walks down to the basement, sorts his clothes in the empty baskets he left there last time he brought his laundry. It’s strange to be down in the completed basement. He takes his time to walk around that Sunday morning, in part because a sense of nostalgia hits him. Personally, living in a garden room isn’t ideal but they had done a really good job to have it not feel like a basement. Even lighting came in nicely and the ceilings didn’t feel short--well, it’s not like he was 6’ 4” but still, it was homey in its own right. 

When he walks back up and to the backyard, he finds Gwen in rain shoes, sitting on her feet, examining a garden bed. She’s a school counselor, so she plans lives for a living, as she says it, and food gardening is the only planning that keeps her sane. “Hey, B,” she says wiping hair from her face. “Wanna come in and--

“Did you pull out the seasonal calendar and--

“Yeah,” she answers, “and the soil’s lookin pretty good--the joy of your wife bringing coffee grounds from work, “but I’m thinking of expanding, because I wanna grow more plants in the collards and broccoli family, but I can’t grow them too close or--

“Bees cross pollination will fuck it up--

“Exactly,” she answers. 

She decides to plant dinosaur kale on one end and collard greens on the other, committing to growing cabbage in a container, using this year to build a strip on one of the other three sides of the house. It was going to be tricky, given that they’re vegan grillers and the grilling is an important part of their summers. They map out the garden, and he supports her vision for the maximum capacity gardening and commits to helping her out, considering she’s they’re only yard access. 

He’s there longer than he realizes when he walks in, washes his hands, and hears Kenny shout out , “I put your blanket in the dryer.”

“Thanks,” he says walking up to the front room and finding Victor playing dominoes with Kenny. 

“Of course,” Kenny says. 

He stands there, staring at Victor, heart going a thousand miles a second, “Hi,” is all he can muster saying. 

“Hey,” Victor says, gulping. “Kenny’s teaching me--

“Dominoes,” Benji says, clearing his throat. 

“Yeah,” Victor confirms. 

He’s managed not seeing Victor for three months. It’s a feat considering Benji never stopped going to their shared hangouts and traveling the streets that overlap between their jobs and the places they live. Victor’s looking as perfect as always, clean shaven, plaid shirt over white t-shirt, hair parted in the same place, clean, long slender hands that hold firmly and gently all at once. Benji takes them in, holding those dominoes and, for the first time, feels jealous of inanimate objects. 

“Can you get me more sweet tea?” Kenny asks, breaking Benji’s concentration. 

“Yeah,” Benji says, grabbing his cup, “Victor, do you want--

“I’m good,” Victor answers with a small polite smile, “Thank you.”

“I think he wanted hot tea,” Kenny says, “right?”

“He doesn’t have to bother,” Victor says--

“Chamomile ginger?” Benji asks. 

“Yeah,” Victor answers with a shrug. 

In the kitchen, Benji takes a breather at the counter. He reheats the water as he grabs a mug for Victor, rinses Kenny’s cup, and fishes for the looseleaf mixture that had been Victor’s staple tea go-to when he wasn’t drinking coffee. “Victor here?” Gwen asks as she walks in to find Benji preparing his tea. 

Benji nods. “He’s with Kenny--

“Yeah,” Gwen says, “Janae saw him the other day and invited him over to catch up with us. Daddy loves him too much for my liking,” she adds with a chuckle. 

“Your dad’s a good man,” Benji says with a smile and a sniffle. 

“I can take these in there if you need time, B,” Gwen offers, laying a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’ll be fine,” Benji says, “better here and now then…”

“You sure?”

He nods, grabs a drink in each hand and sets them in front of each person. Victor says, “Thank you,” and Benji can’t look up at that face. He just can’t say  _ you’re welcome  _ and not fall apart. He offers his ex-boyfriend a smile, blinks the ears away and turns to start another load. He lingers in the laundry room, putting in his work clothes, setting his casual clothes, socks, and underclothes to the side. He puts sheets and blankets through another round after rearranging them in the machine. On walking upstairs, he still hears Victor’s voice, laughing with Kenny and Gwen. He can be social without being passive aggressive, he tells himself as he joins them in the front room. 

He can feel Victor’s eyes follow him as he sits on the singular arm chair, as the others are exchanging notes about dominoes stories and family traditions. He’s reminded of  _ The Notebook  _ just then, how exes can sit at a table with the love of another’s life and he wonders if he’d be able to get there with Victor, be able to sit at a table and be happy that someone can give him what Benji tried to give him. He feels that it would be easier for Victor to find someone to love him, he’s a little passive-aggressive, sure, but he’s protective, and considerate, and patient and the only reassurance he needs is that whoever he’s with is ready for the beautiful and steady love he gives. He’s got a smile like sunshine and legs to wrap around in, he’s the right kind of beautiful. 

He can’t find he can contribute anything to the conversation, as it’s really a test of how he can handle himself in physical closeness yet emotional distance from Victor. Victor appears at ease, sharing stories, talking about his new friend Felix who’s (thankfully) in love with his college friend, Lake, and he’s missed Victor’s delightful eyes, and careful laughter. As much as everything in him screams  _ i do want kids, i do want to spend the rest of my life with you, please, please forgive me,  _ he doesn’t. He hears the machine’s hum downstairs shift, which provides him a reason to not say what is heart is screaming. 

As he’s folding his blankets, he hears footsteps behind him. He turns to find Victor, offering a small smile, “I wouldn’t have come if you were here,” Victor says. 

Benji shrugs it off, “It’s okay,” adding, “I take for granted there’s an open door policy--I didn’t think to ask.”

“How are you doing?”

“Homophobic neighbor has me doing laundry here--

“Kenny was telling me,” Victor says, “that sucks. If you need a ride when you’re done--

“Thanks,” Benji says, “I wouldn’t want to put you out, especially since you can walk here--

“I moved,” Victor says putting his hands in his pockets, “near the new year. I wanted another bedroom because family won’t visit unless I have another room--

“That’d be nice,” Benji says, smiling, “to have people come visit you when moved to be closer to them…”

“Yeah,” Victor says, looking down, “but how  _ are  _ you? How are you juggling grief and--I mean if it’s okay to ask, I’m sorry, we didn’t really--

“Thanks for asking,” Benji says, “I’m really focusing on being honest about what I want and what I’m afraid to want--

“Me, too,” Victor says, “I haven’t told anyone that I started going to therapy, I called my dad after my birthday--

“Oh?”

“Moral inventory,” Victor says inching closer, “I need to do a better job of talking to people about how I feel, remind myself I don’t have to fix things and that perfection is overrated.” 

“Yeah,” Benji breathes, “totally.”

Needing something to do, he begins transferring his clothes from the washer to the dryer. 

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” Victor says, “and the ride offer still stands.” 

“I’ll think about it,” Benji responds. “It’s nice of you to offer.”

“Of course,” Victor says as he turns to the stairs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun to write because, well, you know. And I'm a fan of a slow burn, despite how I started this fic. And I love Gwen, Janae, and Kenny. I loved them in Kicks are your destiny and, yeah, they're great, aren't they?
> 
> Let me know. I am contemplating how much persuasion I need to post the next chapters. I realize I post two chapters at a time because I write two chapters at a time because, well, I go from Victor to Benji to Victor POV from chapter to chapter, if you haven't noticed.  
> What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Was this what you expected?????? Let me know, off to my mother-in-law's bday celebrations :)


	23. Spending time with family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor starts talking to his dad; Isabel and Roger come to visit. And guess who they run into at the farmer's market?

Victor and Armando talk on Saturday mornings after he’s come back from the run with Lake and before he does his weekly deep clean. It’s a chore. Each week, they’re trying to be superficial and light, Victor doing the heavy lifting of emotional vulnerability by asking questions--modeling doesn’t work, much to his frustration. By Farmer’s market season, at least Armando starts asking about him and how he’s doing. “Flaco,” he says, “you’ve been at your new job over a year now, right?”

“Yeah,” Victor says, “though I’ll be looking for something that requires less travel eventually.”

“Really?”

“It was fun for a while,” Victor says, “but I wanna have a Monday through Friday job so I can have other things in my life. How’s Tucson treating you?”

“Group is going well,” Armando admits, “talking and listening helps me normalize controlling my temper and I am managing the electrical engineering of a new housing development here.”

“That’s pretty cool, dad,” Victor says, impressed, “work good--

“With Arizona growing the way it is,” Armando says, “I feel I can relax and take care of myself.” 

“Good,” Victor says, “I’m glad.”

“I know it was difficult,” Armando says, “to call. I’m sorry I haven’t been the father--

“But you can be,” Victor interjects, “I need--I need to let you try because being angry cost me a lot--

“I’m sorry,” Armando says. 

“It’s not your fault I’m really good at holding grudges,” he jokes. 

“If it’s in the gene pool,” Armando says, “it may be. I’m horrible to a fault. Only know can I take responsibility for pushing people away without falling apart, maybe even let myself think about falling in love again--

“You dating?”

“I’m always dating but,” Armando says, “I think now I can be okay with imagining loving someone else.”

“I hope it doesn’t take me that long,” Victor thinks out loud. 

“As much as you have my grudge-holding,” Armando offers, “you have your mother’s charm.”

“Thanks!” 

He deep cleans his house, which allows him to gain a sense of ownership over it. He cleans the windows, wipes the counter, rearranges his fridge, does inventory for what groceries he will need to order for the week, he wipes down every exposed surface, including picture frames, plant vases, and figurines. He fluffs his pillow, runs his laundry to the tune of Spanish pop, homesick for weekends with his mom and sister. Once he’s done, he starts a video game, plays until he’s hungry, eats dinner, and then reads a book till bed. 

Between Felix, Lake, live music at a local bar, sporadic dinners with the Coopers, and a couple happy hours after work, and Krog Street Market perusing on top of the warming weather inviting a return to hiking season, Victor’s content with his social life. With the warming weather, his calendar fills again. Isabel insists she and Roger will visit Memorial Day Weekend, a welcome yet bittersweet distraction, given where he’d been just a year before. 

He picks them up at the airport, riding home with stories about the innate labyrinth the airport has been. Roger’s more experienced with it, but his mom goes on and on about her exhaustion and the mess of construction. As superficially annoying as his mother’s complaints are, he’s grateful to hear her voice. He and Roger take their bags up, Isabel opens the door for them, having been given the keys. She marvels at his apartment, enamored with the blue guest room and his updated appliances. “This place is great, Flaco!” 

“It’s definitely an upgrade from my first, “Victor says, “and if everything continues to go well, I hope to buy a house here in a couple of years--

“A house?” Roger asks, “with the upkeep and--

“I think I can manage it,” Victor says, “nothing too old or new so that the work isn’t too much. I am not hitting the market hard but I am doing some preliminary research.”

“So,” Isabel says, “you like Atlanta?”

“Oh yeah,” Victor says, “the airport’s a hub and you and PIlar and Mia aren’t too far away. What more can I ask for?”

He takes in how his mother looks in his apartment. She’s glowing as she takes in the view from his window and in slowly sitting on his couch. Isabel can’t hide her delight and pride and Victor takes in and releases a deep breath, not realizing how much he needed her positive appraisal. He’s never needed it before, not even in getting his degrees. “You’ve done well for yourself, Flaco,” she says beaming. 

“This  _ is  _ a nice little bachelor pad, Victor,” Roger says, “you do have an eye for interior design. 

“I like walking into a home I love looking at,” he says as the bell rings with their order’s arrival. They eat at the dining room, talking about Isabel’s students and how Roger’s coming to enjoy early retirement. He no longer feels the pang of confusion at enjoying Roger’s company. Somehow making a point to maintain committed engagement with his father allows him to care for the man who had the confidence to invest in a healthy partnership with his mother. 

He remembers the story, that his parents met too young--he did the math once, realizing they weren’t married within enough of a time frame that she may have been pregnant when they walked down the aisle. He had taken the longest to warm up to Roger, falling in love with the story of how his father knew on their first date, childhood nights where Isabel and Armando were singing together over her piano. 

Roger similarly fell in love with Isabel and her piano--and he can’t stop thinking about the parallels in his life--because Roger’s daughter was taking lessons with her. He was a developer, working for a company that used to hire his father--while they never crossed paths, especially after Armando moved to Tucson out of fear and guilt, it was a point of contention for Armando when he learned.  _ That  _ had been the actual reason he stopped talking to his father because his father hadn’t cared about him as much as he cared about the man who was taking the time to make the mother of his children happy. 

But that wasn’t Roger’s fault. Victor, out in college, didn’t see the relationship develop like Pilar and Adrian did, which further made it difficult for him to warm up to the man who was sitting at the foot of the table, the man who carved the turkey at dinner, and the man who eventually married his mother--and in the summer, so Victor could participate in the ceremony. Roger had taken his time to warm up to Victor, med school making the difference in how they interacted with each other. He helped him study. He celebrated his accomplishments. He did all the things Victor wished Armando would have done and, at the end of it, showing up despite Victor’s reservations mattered. 

After running in the morning with Lake, High Octane avoided because of his guests, Victor returns to find his mom and stepdad drinking coffee, “Hey, Flaco, can we go to the farmer’s markets?” 

“Which ones?” Victor asks, “I have a few regular ones but--

“The ones you go to, of course,” she says, “I wanna see your Atlanta.” 

“Lemme get dressed,” he says, “and then we can go.” 

He parks with enough distance to walk--preferring his old neighborhood’s farmer’s market. He likes the people watching there, and its proximity to High Octane. “This is lovely,” Isabel says, “it reminds me of--

“Puerto Rico?” Victor asks, “I know.”

“I miss going down there,” Isabel says, “but with things the way they are--

Victor takes in a deep breath, between the financial crisis and the corrupt government, it’s hard to enjoy all that makes his grandparents’ birthplace beautiful. In the midst of walking, Roger says, “Isn’t that Benji?”

“Roger,” Isabel hisses. 

“It’s okay,” Victor says, “we’ve had a run-in already and we’re fine. It’s not like we’re angsty teenagers.” 

It was weird, if he’s honest, seeing Benji at Janae’s a couple of weeks ago. And he has to remind himself of Southern hospitality, chosen family, and that being the guest means he’s still an outsider. It wasn’t off-putting seeing Benji. It was delightful and bittersweet. He accepted the ride and they were gentle, considerate, kind and so unsure around each other. He behaved. He dropped him off, opened his door, took his clean clothes out of the trunk, and walked him to the door, which is as far as Benji let him go. He didn’t linger in saying good-bye, he didn’t walk backward so he could take more of Benji walking and smiling and eyes shining like the stars they were. 

He survived the first run in and they were cordial and polite and civil. He works to evade a run-in with parents in tow because, well, he doesn’t trust his meddlesome mother. He’s learned the importance of talking about exes with respect and dignity, owning responsibilities. He learned that much after his parents’ divorce, his mother modeling the behavior more than his passive-aggressive, short-tempered dad. And there aren’t enough gay people in the world, let alone Atlanta to make the case for, well, holding grudges with exes. That and, if he’s honest with himself, which he’s working on, his eagerness to be with Benji overshadowed the honest need he had regarding his needs. He was trying to be as patient as he felt his mom should have been--but his mom had a right to set boundaries and take care of her kids the way she did. She couldn’t wait for a man to step up for her, especially considering how badly he took defeat. 

He wanted to take defeat better. He wanted to love and want that person happy, even if they weren’t with him. He wanted to love himself in losing Benji and hating himself or resenting either of them wasn’t going to help it. 

“Hey, Benji,” he hears his mother say as they arrive at the honey stand. 

“Oh,” he says as Victor watches his cheeks pink, “hi, Victor told me you were visiting--

“He did?” Isabel shoots daggers at her son. 

“We were visiting shared friends--accidentally at the same time.”

“Yeah,” Benji clarifies, “I needed to do my laundry there and Victor just happened to be visiting.”

“Oh,” Isabel says, her scheming face too transparent for Victor’s liking. “Small world.” 

“Oh, look,” Roger says, “there’s artisanal bread, Isabel.”

“Huh,” she says as Victor watches Roger strategically wrap an arm around her, “oh, yeah--we’ll be back for the honey.” 

“See you later, Benji,” Victor says bowing his head, holding his lips in to contain the urge to lick his lips in an effort to recall how Benji’s lips and skin felt against them. 

“Later,” Benji says as he turns. 

They visit every vendor meticulously. Victor does buy some produce and eventually goes back to buy honey for his tea. When he goes to meet his mom and Roger in the eating area. They eat, commenting on their favorite booths, and the ones Isabel will want to return to for souvenirs and house decorations. Thankfully, they don’t run into Benji again and Isabel doesn’t bring it up in conversation. 

After buying a couple of nicknacks, they make their way to High Octane and find Kenny outside sitting with Buttons and reading a Ta-Nehisi Coates book. “Oh, hey!” Victor says, “how are you?”

“Good, good,” Kenny says, “is this your beautiful mother?”

“It is,” Victor says, “mom, this is Kenny, his daughter owns High Octane and is one of the kindest people I’ve met in Atlanta.” 

“Oh,” Isabel says, shaking his hand. “This is my husband Roger.” 

They shake hands and fall into easy conversation about Atlanta, his book, comparable retirement experiences leaving Victor to go inside and grab their coffees by himself. It’s the afternoon lull and Janae lights up when her eyes land on his face. “Victor, who’s my dad talking to?”

“My mom and stepdad--your dad called it within 2 seconds--

“My dad’s the nosiest,” Janae says, “you should bring them over for dinner--

“We couldn’t impose--

“C’mon,” Janae says, “you missed our memorial day barbeque last year. It’s the least you can do. The band will be there and a couple of other friends--

“Only if you let me bring something--

“Whatever your parents drink,” Janae says, “and maybe some dinner rolls. Matt’s bringing his neighbors' cornbread and I know daddy’s gonna put a bunch of stuff on the grill--and if your parents don’t like vegetarian food, that too.”

Victor rolls his eyes, “I’m still getting used to Southern hospitality--

“Well,” Janae says as a customer walks in, “don’t be too surprised.” 

Kenny, Isabel, and Roger are there talking until Janae leaves, which prompts them to make a quick run to drop off their goods, pass by a local bakery on their way to the Cooper’s, and arrive there as a small crowd strolls in. Gwen makes introductions, starting with her cousin Bram there with his husband Simon. Their friends Abby and Leah are there along with Matt and his neighbor, Suzie. Iris makes an appearance and hugs Victor like she hasn’t seen him in a lifetime. Derek’s there with his boy of the season who, in contrast, the last boy of his, actually holds decent conversations on meeting new people. 

The spread looks amazing with pies, vegan dogs and burgers, potato salad, cornbread, their roles, peach cobbler, pecan pies, sauteed greens, and mixed-green salad topped with cherry tomatoes. His parents don’t mind the detour, appreciating being able to spend more time with Victor’s friends. He’s grateful that Lake and Felix agreed on dinner Sunday, considering those were the people he wanted to prioritize them meeting. 

Still, the group takes a liking to his parents and his mom makes a point to dance when music comes on. He can’t not dance with her, twirling her around as Benji walks down the back stairs, bringing a refill of sweet tea. Their eyes don’t meet until Victor’s twirling his mom again, trying to keep her from bumping into Iris. 

Victor couldn’t tell you who smiled at whom first. Victor couldn’t tell you who turned away from the gaze first either. 


	24. Ride home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabel and Janae insist Victor should give Benji a ride home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been an exhausting few days, getting back to work after a really difficult summer, and so I figured I'd post chapters because your comments give me life. 
> 
> This one is short, a continuation of where we left off in the last chapter.

Isabel, like her son, insists on helping Gwen and Janae put up food and store things, showering thank you’s over the hospitality and good music. He didn’t expect them to eat vegan food with such ease, considering how much they’re heavy meat eaters. Then again, they did make sure he had his vegan food stations last July. They’re talking and laughing over sweet tea and the last slices of pecan pie as the sky begins to darken. 

Benji knows he should start heading home, but he wants to steal these moments of awkward joy in being close to Victor. Maybe they could be friends. They didn’t have a dramatic break up save the box in the far back of his closet, underneath sweaters he can’t let go of and boxes whose contents he’s forgotten. 

It’s like they’re sitting a yard apart with no movement--no distancing no closing the gap. He’s being on his complete best behavior and Victor looks completely relaxed. He couldn’t tell you what they were talking about, it’s true, but he could tell you what was surprisingly funny and awkward funny because of how Victor responded to them. Well, he could tell you they were talking about books, transitioning to vegan southern cooking and the struggle to find consistencies and ingredients. He remembers something to that effect. Gwen talks about her garden and wanting to promote healthy food choices in her house given their passion for pastries, sweet tea, and coffee. 

As Kenny sets Buttons up in his room, he realizes it’s time to go. “Victor, give Benji a ride--

“Mom,” Victor says, his face flushing adorably. 

“You can’t let him ride his bike this late at night--

“I know the safe ways to get home,” Benji admits, “I’ll be fine--

“You know,” Gwen says, “it  _ is  _ pretty late. I’d let you stay but this couch is  _ not  _ for sleeping--

“Yeah,” Janae says, “and you can come to get it tomorrow--

“I think it should be Benji’s decision,” Roger says, clearing his throat. 

The way Victor darts his eyes between Roger and Benji’s former landlords, lets him know that he has to make a decision quick before these people continue treating them like children. 

“If I can fit my bike in your trunk,” Benji says, “and you don’t mind--

“Of course he doesn’t mind,” Isabel says.

They do manage to fit the bike in Victor’s trunk, which Benji feels embarrassed about forgetting. Luckily, Roger sits in the front, leaving them to talk about the neighborhoods, their histories, and Isabel and Roger’s plans on Sunday. Roger dominates the conversation and he’s pretty sure it’s because no one else in the car trusts Isabel to mind her business. He remembers his own meddlesome mother managing the conversations when the four of the Campbells were traveling between treatments and even before his sister got married and they were on their way to family meals away from home or running errands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LV fandom has been a needed site of being seen and feeling human during the social isolation of quarantine. Kudos and comments always appreciated. I'm taking time to write today because it's one of my few sources of unfiltered joy. :)


	25. Another visit to Mia's

Roger helps Victor evade conversations about Benji for the rest of the weekend. It’s a relief, really, to have Roger as a buffer in his relationship with his mom. He knows that, as soon as he drops them off at security, it will be a matter of days before she finds a way to ask about it. They definitely saw Benji more than planned and while part of him wants to explicitly tell Gwen and Janae that he wants the best for Benji and being around him confuses him when they broke up so recently--they may be approaching the six-month mark, but it still feels like yesterday that they were in love and he was thinking about when to ask him to move in and get another apartment together. 

Felix becomes his summer road trip buddy and accompanies Lake and him on an impromptu visit to Mia’s. It’s random that out of all the people he’s met at work that Felix is the one that makes sense and yet, Felix is low-maintenance, consistently available, and comfortable navigating conversations about divorced parents, Victor’s efforts at trying to process without emotional dumping or minimizing his pain. 

The ride with his friends is hilarious, to the say the least. Lake is doing her best to resist being taken with Felix’s brand of awkward and endearing and Felix is doing his best to not come on too strong. Felix is doing a better job of it than Lake and, by the time they get to the Spencer’s, he’s relieved to see more people and has other buffers at Lake and Felix’s failed attempts at not flirting with each other. 

They make arguing and evasion flirtatious. 

After dinner, while Lake takes a try at putting the twins to sleep and Andrew shows Felix the tech he uses at work, he finally has time to sit with Mia and decompress the awkward. “Do they know they’re almost in love with each other?” Mia asks. 

Victor shakes his head, “I love that Andrew took Felix to look at tech toys-- the nerds--because I just...I love them, I do and they balance each other out but--

“It’s a lot,” Mia says, “Lake is difficult to please and it’s going to take a man of stronger characters to woo her--

“I know,” Victor says, “I remember your stories. I mean, she’s got a great competitive streak that makes running and going out super fun. She can definitely keep up with me in that way, but--

“She’s a mess trying to keep it together,” Mia sighs, “I know that--and I mean, look at you?”

“What do you mean, look at me?”

“From the sounds of it,” she explains, “you’re just as bad with Benji--

“What?! No,” Victor says. 

“You’re in essence hanging out with his chosen family, every other time you’re there you see him--I mean your mom even called to tell me Benji was still single and--

“What,” Victor says, “how does she know?”

“And interested--why else would he let you drive him home?”

“Because my mom and his ‘sisters’ were being awkward and pushy and he wanted to evade an argument.”

“Really? Are you that blind?”

“Look,” Victor says, “do I care about him? Yes. Is it weird that we sometimes see each other in the relatively small social group sober but professionally inclined and vegetarian-friendly group we’re in? Of course,” Victor takes a pause, “but I  _ want  _ kids. And I know I fucked up because of my passive-aggressive behavior back in the spring. And I don’t know that I can  _ not  _ be that person.”

“So you’re not dating to figure that out? Really, Victor,” she says rolling her eyes. “I haven’t met him, and I kept your mother in check, defended you like the good, loyal sister that I am--

“Thank you,” Victor says grabbing her hand, “really. I didn’t know she called.”

“She’s worried,” Mia says, “and from what Lake tells me about you blatantly avoiding any cute boys that look at you twice, so are we--

Victor takes a deep breath. When most of the women in his life agree on what they all find obvious, he has to come up with words that aren’t defensive or deflecting. He does that well when people get close to him. He knows that much. “We’ve never sought each other out, Mia,” Victor says, “as much as it hurts to be close to him and  _ not  _ be close to him, I have to be certain.”

“Certain of what?”

“Making healthier decisions,” Victor says, “I dunno if I’m reading too much into things or wishful thinking or if people just want us to be friends so he can start dating again or--

“It sounds like you need to talk to him.” 

Victor shrugs, sitting there with Mia in silence until the others join them. The topic of conversation changes, as they review what’s needed to enjoy the beach. They pack up Andrew’s SUV, the biggest of three, and spend the following day there, Lake alternating between taking in the sun, Felix, and Victor chasing the girls with Mia and Andrew. The latter two finding moments to sneak off by themselves and take advantage of free childcare. 

The girls nap under the beach tent Lake brought while Andrew grills. Mia is taking pictures with Victor’s phone and Felix and Victor play Go Fish. After lunch, Victor allows himself to swim for a while, taking in the warm sun, the salty seawater, and the time away from home. He knows Mia’s right. She tends to be right about matters of the heart, especially his. It’s like the advice he gave her when she struggled about being long distance with Andrew. They spent many a late-night talking about it, her limited sexual explorations, and what it meant to be sure about someone without seeing the world. He sat there with her as they made pros and cons lists, as she figured that she’d find a way to see him intentionally once a month, as she came to terms with what would be different about long-distance and how to make sure she made the most of what she could enjoy without lying to herself, or to Andrew. And they made it. They made it because she was uncomfortably honest with herself. And because Andrew was willing to follow her and work to support them as she finished her NP degree. 

He walks out of the water and makes his way to their area, Lake taking his picture and saying, “Delicious!” 

“Stop,” he says, “did you use my phone, too?”

“Yeah,” Lake says, “you have to have these sexy photos when you put yourself out there on the market, friend!” 

Victor rolls his eyes as he snatches his phone from her. 

“She’s right you know,” Felix says, “if I looked half as good as you walking out of the water, I’d have my insta full of them so that someone could catch me--

“Do you have Instagram, Victor?”

“No,” Mia giggles, “he relies on Facebook and sometimes Snapchat--

“I never mastered snap chat,” Victor grumbles. 

“I think we need a social media intervention, Victor,” Lake says, “someone as hot as you can’t be single forever. That’d be rude. We’d be depriving too much of the world--

“Let’s not objectify the man, please,” Andrew comments, “it hurts me.”

“Thank you, Andrew,” Victor says, throwing himself on his towel. 

Andrew shakes his head. “Now let me see if I can make these twins swim laps around me,” he says, grabbing each one by an arm. Mia follows as the three childless ones watch the family from their station at the beach. 

While the twins manage to float on their backs, they don’t achieve movement, save settling into their car seats,s and falling asleep. 

Everyone showers and heads to sleep on arriving back at the Spencer’s, committed to leaving first thing in the morning. Once he hears Felix softly snoring, Victor pulls out his phone and scrolls through his pictures to see the damage they had done. Objectively speaking, they took great candid shots. There’s a couple of shots with him and the girls, which he’ll definitely print and get framed for his office. 

As he scrolls through his photos, he finds himself landing on a picture he had taken of Benji sleeping. It was taken during Benji’s birthday trip. The sun had come up and he looked so peaceful, restful, and happy. He was so happy at that moment, he thought, and all he wanted to do was make that beautiful boy happy. He studied that picture until he felt his eyes get misty. He hated how right his friends were. He was just fooling himself into thinking that they could just be friends. 

He didn’t put himself out there because he knew, without a doubt, he’d be comparing them to sweet, delightful, tender-hearted Benji. Hugging his pillow, he did his best to calm himself into a restful sleep. 


	26. Victor's dinner party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My lease is up in a few months and I’ll be looking to move again--
> 
> “You don’t like your place,” Felix asks.
> 
> “I want washer and dryer in unit or at least a gay friendlier community--I guess I got spoiled living with my best friends--
> 
> “You can always come back,” Janae says. 
> 
> He shakes his head. “No offense,” he says, “but the next person I wanna live with is the person I spend the rest of my life with--
> 
> “That’s what Victor says,” Felix says, “I was trying to tell him we should room until we can both afford to buy a house but--
> 
> “That makes sense,” Lake says, “ownership is a huge commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I mean I bought on moving here because I see it as an investment, and while I didn’t wait for a long-term relationship to buy, I know that I’d sell and buy a new place for the right person--because it’d need to be our place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I just posted a BUNCH of chapters. I did a lot of writing and then some revising. Let me know what you think.

It was a risky move. Saying yes to the collective invitation to dinner at Victor’s house. Victor was talking about having his friends spend time together because he finally bought his dining room table extender. He promised to cook vegan friendly and allow them to pick the music. And by friends, he initially meant the Coopers, Lake, and Felix--and then Kenny said Benji should go like it was nothing, Like they weren’t attached at the hip the summer before. And Victor looked all hopeful, despite swallowing his mouth and he knows that face. He’s failed to say no to that face and it’s just. It’s just dinner. The Coopers will take him and he’ll go home with them and it will be a different apartment so he’ll be fine, just fine. 

Except, on walking in, the furniture has the same feeling of home that Victor’s first place had. It’s the same furniture with added missing pieces like the matching armchair and additional dining chairs and bookshelves acting as shelves under the window with more pictures. And that cute one with who he imagines is him with Mia’s twins, melts his heart just a bit too much as Lake says, “The infamous Benji,” on walking from the back of the apartment, “nice to meet you.”

“I’m not infamous,” he says, unable to contain the blush. Moments such as these he wished his paleness didn’t give away his emotions so easily. 

“I have water, juice, soda, coke,” Victor starts, “what would you like to drink?”

As they each named what they wanted to drink. Lake helped him serve, having the same familiarity Benji remembers having as he navigated Victor’s apartment the year before. _Fuck_ he thinks, _why did I think this was going to be easy?_

“I really love the open concept,” Gwen says, “the way the kitchen looks over the dining table. I mean it’s cozy and expanse at the same time.”

“I love my house,” Janae says, “but I do love what newer designs are doing with open concept, the energy moves through the house so much more easily.”

“Something to think about,” Benji thinks out loud.

“Oh,” Lake says, “how come?”

“My lease is up in a few months and I’ll be looking to move again--

“You don’t like your place,” Felix asks.

“I want washer and dryer in unit or at least a gay friendlier community--I guess I got spoiled living with my best friends--

“You can always come back,” Janae says. 

He shakes his head. “No offense,” he says, “but the next person I wanna live with is the person I spend the rest of my life with--

“That’s what Victor says,” Felix says, “I was trying to tell him we should room until we can both afford to buy a house but--

“That makes sense,” Lake says, “ownership is a huge commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I mean I bought on moving here because I see it as an investment, and while I didn’t wait for a long-term relationship to buy, I know that I’d sell and buy a new place for the right person--because it’d need to be _our_ place.”

“I’m in a unique situation,” Gwen admits, “We needed to buy the house to circumvent inheritance taxes--

“Yeah,” Janae says, “my brother and sister didn’t want us to get rid of the house but they had their families and their mortgages so I got it--and because I wanted it to stay in the family--

“And because we were just married--

“It was the easiest investment,” Janae then adds, “it gave me the credit line to buy a coffee shop, too, so…”

“I didn’t know that,” Victor says.

“That’s pretty cool,” Felix says. 

Benji looks around the table at the bits of Victor’s coming together--his work life, his gay Atlanta life, and a dash of his college life. He can tell Victor’s taken the time with the meal, invested in learning how to cook vegan. He’s seen the sweet and sour glazed cauliflower nuggets, and sweet potato tots in some of the vegan recipe books he’s examined. He didn’t offer anyone alcohol, a minor detail he must have picked up on during the Cooper’s family dinners. It’s a gesture, a gesture that brings a smile to Benji’s mouth. 

He doesn’t notice his smile, as Victor sets the greens out on the table, undoubtedly a mixture of produce he’d gotten at the Farmers’ Market earlier that day. Lake pulls out more napkins from their spot in the lower cabinet under the barstool counter as Victor hisses, “Go seat,” whipping the kitchen towel he had over his shoulder at her. 

Gwen and Janae sit next to each other, opposite him, Lake sits at the foot of the table, leaving Felix to sit next to him and Victor at the head, on his other side. 

John Legend’s playing in the background and conversation about the summer heat and humidity mumble between them, Felix asking Benji about his summer art classes and music lessons while Lake and Janae talk about Atlanta’s summer trends and the effects on High Octane. Gwen listens attentively, offering him a small smile in the moments she catches his eyes. He can’t help watch Victor and Lake navigate between Victor’s kitchen and dining table. 

Victor sets an Heirloom tomato tart on the table accompanied by steamed broccoli and asparagus. The presentation has a dedication to color coordination and season vegetables he can’t ignore. “This looks amazing,” Gwen says, beating him to the punch. 

“I love how Victor’s exposed me to the delights of vegan food,” Felix says.

“We were definitely his guinea pigs,” Lake adds, “not that I mind. Victor definitely knows his way around the kitchen.”

Victor chuckles, “Please, dig in, I’m just excited to finally return _one_ of the many dinners the Cooper’s have made for me.”

That leads to more conversations centering on the Coopers who, for the first time in a long time, are someone else’s guests. Felix leans in completely captivated, an eager schoolboy sitting in the front of the class. He feels something against his foot and, from the angle, it can’t not be Victor’s foot accidentally pushing against his. He sneaks a glance at him. Victor smiles, and Benji can’t help but smile back. 

Lake picks up the lull in the conversation and Victor’s friends do a good job of engaging with each other. Victor leans in, scooching his chair forward towards the table. Benji thinks it’s about the conversation until their hands brush and Victor hooks his foot around Benji’s ankle. He tries to relax into it, but he needs a break, a diversion that somehow gets them farther away from each other so he can ask Victor what he means by his middle school, under the table signs of, well, that’s what he needs to know isn’t it?

Felix offers to help Lake clear the table and Gwen whispers something in Janae’s ear so he takes the chance to look at Victor more intently. Victor then takes Benji’s full hand in his, squeezes it before joining his friends in the kitchen. He takes in a few deep breathes before asking, “where’s the restroom?’

“Down the hall, second door,” Felix says coming back into the living room with a new drink. 

Benji walks down the hall and enters the bathroom without much thought. He closes the door and runs the sink water to hear something else rushing aside the sound of his heartbeat. “Shit,” he whispers to himself. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

He handles his business, washes his hands, splashes water on his face. He needs to talk to Victor, that much is true. After getting out, he lingers in the hallway, hearing laughter and muttering from the living room. They can’t seem him there, leaning against the wall, trying not to giggle or cry or react in any other way that would bring attention to himself. 

He closes his eyes, maybe the hand thing was in his fantasy and imagination. No one else saw it, no one else could verify it. It felt--it feels too much like he’s home and Victor’s wooing him again, but with food, with all the right perfect foods and it’s too much and not enough because he wasn’t supposed to be here. His friends, in some sick and twisted power move, treated him like an obvious guest and Victor couldn’t say no and _he_ couldn’t say no without revealing anything. 

He opens his eyes to find Victor standing there, “You okay?”

He shakes his head. “I’m in over my head,” he responds, “Sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” Victor says, “I shouldn’t have grabbed your hand like that and then just--

“So you did grab my hand?”

Victor nods and then raises his hand like he’s going to tuck that stray lock that swept to the front of his face away from his eye and he just can’t. Victor can’t just touch him like that when it’s been so long, too long. “Victor,” Benji says leaning away from the hand, “what are you--

“Sorry,” Victor says, “I should have asked--I should ask…

“Ask me what?”

“Why you came? Why you’re here--

“Because I couldn’t just say no,” Benji says picking at his cuticles, “I don’t talk--I mean we don’t talk about, and it’s...I don’t know how to talk…”

“I wanna date you,” Victor says, “if you want, I wanna get to know you, who you are now... if that's...

Benji nods, scanning Victor’s face, setting a shaky hand against Victor’s waist, “I’m not--I’m not dreaming---

“No,” Victor says coming in closer, “not at all.”

He rests his head on Victor’s chest, hears that speedy heartbeat, the one as fast as his and breathes in the smell of home and hope and relief all at once. “Text me later,” Benji breathes leaning back against the wall. 

“I will,” Victor says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooooo, right?!? What's the warm and fuzzy scale? What do new readers think of where we've ended things. Dare I say it, I just changed the number of chapters. More fluff along the way, no worries :)


	27. Am I dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh,” Benji says shrugging his shoulders, “but I think you were trying to do the most and I wasn’t--I wasn’t honest with you because I wasn’t being honest with myself and I don’t think I did a good job of seeing what you were doing for me. I’m sorry about that--  
> “I’m sorry,” Victor answers, “I was trying so hard to be everything good and available and when I started working on the weekends and you started working on the weekends, I got scared because it reminded me--it reminded me of what strained my parents and, and I should have told you. You shouldn’t have had to pay for how others treated me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @aerys's comment and our tumblr convo, I was able to revise this chapter specifically addressing concerns AND modeling a healthy convo per what @ducklingcabal and I have talked about in this fic and their healthy relationship dynamics

So, he asks him to join him for a walk through Grant Park. Benji wears a fitted v neck shirt and white linen shorts. Victor’s wearing a white t-shirt under an open short-sleeved shirt. His shorts are light khaki because he doesn’t trust himself in anything that’s loose or comfortable. Not because he couldn’t pull it off, more because that kind of delicacy doesn’t feel like him. He rubs his neck on catching sight of Benji, bites his lip, excited about what the morning holds for them. It’s a week after that dinner where he couldn’t keep his body from touching Benji in any subtle way possible once they were sitting next to each other. 

Given that their first-first date stemmed from meddlesome friends and that their second date ended with them sleeping in each other’s arms, Victor opted for a public neutral space to meet him. It didn’t mean he didn’t want it to end like those times. It meant he was going to work hard so that it didn’t. “Hi,”: Benji greets him running his fingers through his hair. 

“Thanks for agreeing to meet me here,” Victor says, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I wanted us to go for a little bit of a walk and see where we land?”

Benji nods. “Sounds good.”

“The forecast was looking optimistic,” Victor says as they start walking, “and I’m glad it was, because sitting down and looking at you for long periods of time....”

“Yeah,” Benji says smiling, “Walking gives me something to do with my nervous energy.”

“I was thinking,’” Victor says, “I’m trying to check my impulsive behavior, I was thinking about touching a little bit about what I did badly last December if that's okay.”

“Yeah, but--and I mean I made mistakes too...

“Thanks for that,” Victor says, “I admit that I was working through a lot about finally being able to settle down and thinking of building a life and I put too much on you. I shouldn’t have been so passive-aggressive and cold at the end.” 

“I don’t think I made it easy,” Benji says, “you were really great about saying yes to everything I set and asked for and when I saw no drinks at the dinner party...I was reminded of how careful you are around me, making sure I feel safe and okay. That must have been a lot to ask of you--like I don’t even know if you like drinking or--

“It’s not so much _like_ ,” Victor says, “my father’s behaviors made me reluctant to want to engage with it because of how he reacted and I know it’s hereditary, but sometimes I did--and I didn’t mind not drinking. I don’t have enough to make that a normal thing I do--

“Oh,” Benji says shrugging his shoulders, “but I think you were trying to do the most and I wasn’t--I wasn’t honest with you because I wasn’t being honest with myself and I don’t think I did a good job of seeing what you were doing for me. I’m sorry about that--

“I’m sorry,” Victor answers, “I was trying so hard to be everything good and available and when I started working on the weekends and you started working on the weekends, I got scared because it reminded me--it reminded me of what strained my parents and, and I should have told you. You shouldn’t have had to pay for how others treated me and I’m sorry for all the ways I acknowledge I may have unintentionally been asking you. I shouldn’t have assumed you wanted someone to take care of you--my dad did that with my mom and didn’t allow her to find her creative outlet and that was the beginning of the end for them. I think that’s why I hid after your birthday because I was hurt and I was scared I was doing the same thing...no one should go through that.”

“Thank you for admitting to that,” Benji says worrying his lip, “I know that I don’t know what being a child of divorce is like, especially when there’s an addiction involved--and I didn’t want you to think that you needed to take care of everything. I enjoyed most of it until I realized I didn’t do a good job of letting myself be taken care of on my own.” 

“And I shouldn’t have taken that personally--even though I tried to lie to myself about how I felt about you not wanting what I wanted at the time,” Victor admits with a shy and crossing his arms, “I shouldn’t have taken it personally.” 

“Let’s sit,” Benji says as they find a bench under the shade of an aged dogwood. “I feel like I should have done a better job of talking to you about my recovery journey.”

“Okay,” Victor says sitting after him, “you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me--it’s your story.”

“I know,” Benji says offering a half-smile, “I just feel like it’s good practice…” 

Victor works hard to focus on Benji’s admission of getting consumed by managing himself during his mother’s health decline and her death. Part of him wants to protect Benji from his past still. Another part of him knows that Benji asked him to listen and he wants to respect Benji taking the risk to be vulnerable. 

So, Victor lets himself get sad for Benji as Benji continues speaking about his downward spiral. He bought a bottle of whiskey the day his mom died. He didn’t drink every day or get drunk, thinking he was managing his cravings...and then Christmas’s loneliness had been too much. , Gwen and Sam staged an intervention the day before Christmas Eve. Victor knew about the relapse but, as Benji talks, he realizes it was a roller coaster of a season. The intervention over the holidays forced Benji to hold himself together till the spring until the demands of repressing his emotions were too much. Gwen, Matt, and Iris had to take him to the hospital for alcohol poisoning by spring break. Gwen insisted that he move in with them till he got on his feet and he went to AA meetings through the summer, which was also when he checked himself into rehab, trying to get a handle on getting lost in drinking. 

He cleaned his diet, bought a bike because he didn’t trust himself with a car, given his teenage years’ attempted suicide. He had driven through a Wendy’s chasing a craving for food and ended up chasing a craving for an end. While the attempt at suicide was enough to make him come out when he woke up, it wasn’t enough to shake the lingering shame that re-emerged when his mom died. Benji invested in major life changes to ease the number of stressors in his life. 

Being a vegan and biking everywhere calmed him down. He went back to singing in the band because he had stopped when his mom got sick. Benji explains that the year before he met Victor, he felt he had a manageable life. “I was afraid,” Benji says, “afraid of wanting more--of enjoying more than that because of how easy it was to relapse because I was so sad and hurt. I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore and, somehow, last year, I felt like enjoying being in love was putting me at greater risk of having more to lose. I felt I needed to be on my own because I had just seen everything as an indicator that I couldn’t take care of myself. I had something to prove to myself, and when you text me on new years and never called me back--

“I couldn’t bring myself to listen to your New Year’s message,” Victor admits looking down and bringing his hands to his pockets. “I was afraid you were going to yell at me or cry or--I just skipped it again and again and again, knowing that not listening to it, while knowing it was still there, was all I could handle.” 

“All I ended up leaving,” Benji chuckles shaking his head, “was that I missed you too--I took your lack of response as your text message being left in a drunken regrettable stupor--

“I wasn’t drunk,” Victor says.

“And then you typed  _ mi vida _ ...I had to walk out of the room to leave that message. Gwen caught up to me and sat with me until I just said I missed you. I didn’t trust myself to leave anything else.”

“Is it okay to ask what else you would have left,” Victor asks biting his lip. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked because I was a coward--

“I was angry that you called me “mi vida” like it was nothing like you didn’t just dump me so that was a rant. Then there was the  _ I do want kids  _ rant. Then there was the how dare you do this to me rant--I missed you was all I could say and not regret.”

“I forgot for a second,” Victor confesses, “and when I remembered it was too late, I already sent it.”

Silence follows. Victor doesn’t know if he should say more or ask for a response. He also doesn’t want to try to read Benji’s face because they were definitely flirting at his dinner party. The hand holding was a thing and then that line, that line about Benji not dreaming, did Benji want to try again? Was Victor kidding himself about what this ‘date’ or ‘non-date’ was? He wasn’t really sure. And he didn’t know if he had the right to ask. 

After two sets of dog walkers pass them, Benji opens his mouth and begins to say, “Being around the memories we shared on that furniture...I knew--I knew I was in over my head for going to your dinner party until you squeezed my hand and then asked me out without kissing me in your hallway.”

“I wanted to,” Victor says as their stroll together puts them under the shade of a dogwood. 

“Oh,” Benji says, as Victor watches Benji’s hand inch closer to his. 

Victor feels goosebumps spread at the contact point and his breath stutters, “I wanted to but I didn’t want to do it but I was scared

“Scared about what?”

“What it means being around you all the time,” Victor says, “until the dinner party, I just felt I was testing myself in small ways, trying to train myself to move on--

“Move on?”

Victor nods, “and then with you in my house, looking so much like my favorite memories of last summer I...I knew I didn’t want to. Is that okay?”

“Is what okay?”

“Not wanting to move on,” Victor says, and then adds clearing his throat, “I mean is it okay to want you?”

Benji inches towards Victor on the bench, sets his hand on Victor’s thigh, and nods, “I want you, too.”

Despite his hunger, he doesn’t kiss Benji then. Instead, he meets Benji’s eyes and they rest their foreheads together, eyes closed. Relief releases Victor’s shoulder’s tension and he asks, “I’m not--I’m not dreaming, am I?”

Benji shakes his head and says, “I don’t think so, or I’m dreaming the same dream with you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to write this chapter for PURELY selfish reasons. And obviously I wanted to bring back the bench because that beautiful declaration happened on a bench in LV and it just felt fitting for this scene. Soooooooooooooooo, what did you think? how do you feel? how are you doing with this nervous energy in the world right now?   
> Take good care, one day at a time, sending Venji inspired healing love to you XOXO


	28. Happiness and Refuge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well,” Benji explains leaning on the island counter, “it’s different. Like he admitted that, before, he would bottle things in--even as he was talking to me about his schedule--and he doesn’t wanna do that anymore.”  
> “Oh,” Gwen responds, raising a corner of his mouth, “that’s good.”  
> “It’s really good,” Benji says, “like I know I loved how good he took care of me, like all the time, but now, now I get to take care of him, too, you know? Like I think I can let myself do that.”  
> “That’s good, B,” Gwen says, looking up from the greens she’s returned to, “I’m happy for you.”  
> “Me, too,” Benji says, “really happy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good things are worth the wait, I hope. I've been taking in other fans' observations about Victor's emotional range. I was also thinking about Benji. How does he talk to other people about Victor?   
> I also realized that, in the aim for fluff, I often forget we often engage with homophobia and homoantagonism...so there's a little bit of that in there. CW - it's after Victor parks. to avoid it, skip from: "Once they're out of the car" to " 'Sorry,' Victor says as they walk towards the couch."

“You can’t stop smiling,” Gwen says as she joins him with her big bowl of greens. 

“No,” Benji says from his spot in the kitchen, “I can’t.”

“It’s a good look on you,” Gwen says setting the bowl next to him. 

He feels her watching him as he continues washing the greens, “Thanks. I just...it’s just, we’ve been talking every day. And like really talking, you know?”

“Hmm,” she says, “why don’t you tell me?” 

“It feels different this time,” Benji says, “like no holding back--he’s stopped trying so hard to be polite and put together. It’s great.”

“How about you?”

“How about me?” 

“Yeah,” Gwen says, “are you letting yourself take up space, talking about the hard stuff.”

“Working on it,” Benji says, “I mean, that’s how we started right, setting all the cards on the table…”

As they prep dinner, Benji recounts their date at the park, the walking and talking, and kissing. They exchange greens, ground tofurkey, cauliflower from the farmer’s market as they put their meal together. He’s delighted in being able to talk about falling asleep after they had ice cream and lunch. They lazed in the park, just breathing with each other, and it was the safest Benji had felt in a while. “It’s like I think I had romantic, protective Victor before, you know, but now,” he explains as he sets food scraps into the compost bucket, “I can step up. Like he’s really trying to figure out how not to go out of town for work, you know, and we were talking about it this week--

“Mhm,” Gwen says as she wipes down their chopping knives.

“And when I talked to him just the other day he sounded really frustrated--like he raised his voice and then caught himself dumping on me and stopped--

“And that’s good?”

“Well,” Benji explains leaning on the island counter, “it’s  _ different,  _ like he admitted that, before, he would bottle things in--even as he was talking to me about his schedule--and he doesn’t wanna do that anymore.”

“Oh,” Gwen responds, raising a corner of his mouth, “that’s good.”

“It’s really good,” Benji says, “like I know I loved how good he took care of me, like all the time, but now, now I get to take care of him, too, you know? Like I think I can let myself do that.”

“That’s good, B,” Gwen says, looking up from the greens she’s returned to, “I’m happy for you.”

“Me, too,” Benji says, “really happy.”

Between the K-12 school year starting, Benji’s lesson schedule, he stops going to 2 AA meetings a week. When he does, he remains silent, mostly contemplating how far he’s come and how far he has to go. After Labor Day, his sponsor, Sam, invites him out to coffee.

They reach Brasstown, by foot, using the walk there as a time for small talk about the weather, Sam being stuck in mid-management, and Benji’s new students. 

On ordering they drinks, they sit in the sparsely filled cafe, taking in the warm autumn colors scattered among the trees outside. Yellow dots the green like flecks of gold dancing in a blanket of emerald under a lavender/orange sky. With Octane closing in less than 2 hours, they have the cafe pretty much to themselves, with enough other patrons that their conversation won’t dominate the space. 

“So,” Benji says, “how’s it going?”

“It’s been a quiet couple months,” Sam begins, “so I wanted to see how you were doing.”

Benji shrugs, taking a sip of his tea. He scans Sam’s face before he considers the outside terrain, the glowing streets as dusk settles into the city over scars blurring down the street outside. “I believe I’m just taking in my growth,” Benji says, “It’s been a scary few years. I’m working out how much of my life to just exist. I haven’t been meaning to be silent…”

“What’s changed?”

“So,” Benji explains leaning forward in his chair, “how my friends kept bringing my ex around and I didn’t, you know, walk away. I sat in my discomfort. Well, we’ve been doing moral inventory with each other and...and making amends. I guess I’ve been focusing on sharing with him, you know, like  _ really  _ sharing with him. And it’s been getting hard to have friends, work, and I know how useful it’s been going. I know i still gain something from it, I just wanna be an audience for another person, you know, because I’m doing a lot of work being as honest as I was in meetings with...with my boyfriend.”

Benji leans back in his chair, considering his reluctance to say the word and the lack of its replacement. The frequency of their plans and the rate at which they talk to each other in between, what else would they be? He doesn’t have the fear he did before. In their brief time together, they seem to have established a more intimate, albeit equally as frequent intimacy with each other. “After moving past the fact he was the reason I started going to group more often, I wanted to see what it was like telling  _ him  _ everything I found so easy to talk about in group…”

After a couple of beats, Sam manages to draw in Benji’s eye contact. With an open smile, he says, “Group is there for you when you need it,” Sam says, “it’s good to hear you’re able to work through some difficult emotions with another person--

“Thanks,” Benji says, offering a smile, “It feels good to believe I can have good things--great things.”

“It definitely does,” Sam says, taking in a sip of his coffee. 

They stay there till it closes. Benji’s been with Sam since he started. Sam’s a good guy who wasn’t as lucky. In part because he ruined his daughter’s birthday and in part because he realized he couldn’t live up to an unrealistic standard of excellence his ex-wife held him on to--she never could forgive him. Sam understood that much. His daughter, Riley, started seeking him out when she started at Georgia Tech. She was reluctantly willing to try. 

When Sam gets up to use the bathroom, Benji texts Victor,  _ I’m at Octane, thinking of you, can you come get me and take me home?  _

_ “Sure, babe ;) Can’t wait to see you.  _

When Sam gets back, he asks, “You good to get home?”

He nods and says, “My boyfriend, Victor’s picking me up.”

“Sweet.”

“I’d like for you to meet him,” Benji says, “if that’s okay.”

“Sure,” Sam says. 

When Victor arrives, he offers his hand to Sam, they exchange pleasantries and, Benji observes their dynamic wondering what it means for his dynamic with Sam. And his dynamic with Victor. It feels important that they’ve met, but he doesn’t know or understand quite why. From the few minutes they talk to each other, Victor in a t-shirt and loose sweats from his institution, Sam, looking like a retired teacher in his semi-wrinkled state, they’re respectful and considerate. They part ways with Benji considering what it means that, at this point, his family of origin is the last of Benji’s social and personal world that Victor has to meet. Well, if he’ll ever get to meet them--Benji’s not sure if he wants that. 

In the car, Benji takes in the sight of the darkening city, every so often meeting Victor’s tender gaze. If he’s honest, it’s been a long day and he just wants to go to bed. If he’s extra honest, he’s hoping Victor comes up to sleep with him. He just wants to be next to the man he loves; he wants the comfort, the homeliness of that. When Victor parks, he looks over to Benji and says, “I’m glad you asked me for a ride. I really did miss your face.”

“Me, too,” Benji says, taking Victor’s hand in his. 

“And I love that we’re boyfriends again,” Victor comments, raising a corner of his mouth. 

“Yeah,” Benji says, “I mean we hadn’t talked about directly--

“But it makes sense to say that we are,” Victor says.

“Umm,” Benji says, “do you wanna come up? I mean, I just wanna hold you, you know--even if just for a little while…”

Victor nods, “I, uh, I packed just in case because it’s gonna be a few weekends before we can actually hang out on a Saturday.”

“Gotcha,” Benji says. “We’ll figure it out.” 

Once they’re out of the car, they fold their hands into each other’s as they walk up towards Benji’s building. It’s dinner time for most folks, and so they walk through listening to the clatter of cutlery against dishes, walking past a couple of people opening doors. 

“Hey,” Benji’s homophobic neighbor said, “fairy, that your boyfriend?”

“Excuse me,” Victor says letting go of his hand.

“Victor, I--

“So it is,” the jerk says putting his hand on his hips, “fairies and fags come in all shapes and sizes nowadays.”

“Asshole,” Victor says, breaking apart from Benji despite his grip, “and none of us take name-calling…”

“C’mon, Victor,” Benji says, “it’s not worth it--

“Listen to the little one,” the jerk says leaning on his doorway. 

“Go back inside your apartment,” Victor says, “unless you want me to give you a reason to--

With that, the neighbor goes inside and Benji drags him up another flight of stairs. They remain quiet, Victor’s fists clenched at his side until they enter Benji’s apartment. 

“What was that?” Benji asks, taking Victor’s bag from him. 

“I don’t like the name-calling and I just--I had an earful in the locker room today and now I have to call HR to host a training session so that I don’t make the mistake of  _ don’t be homophobes because your doctor’s a queer  _ mistake. I hate assholes!” 

“I was worried there for a sec,” Benji says, smoothing his hand along Victor’s arms. 

“Sorry,” Victor says as they walk towards Benji’s couch, “I had a number of brawls in the locker room growing up--never had to switch schools, but we had considered it. And away games were hard in college…

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Benji says.

“I did give someone a black eye in high school, but because it was self-defense, I didn’t get into too much trouble--

“Victor!”

“I don’t like the name-calling. And I know that I don’t scream gay...which makes hearing it harder, because people never know and…

Benji wraps his arm around Victor’s back and rests his head on his shoulder. “Only a couple more months here.”

“You already started packing, I see,” Victor says as he scans the room.

“I don’t have a lot of stuff,” Benji says, “and it helps when I have awkward run-ins to focus. I rarely see him around and, when I do, I try to go the other way…

“Ugh,” Victor says leaning back into the couch, “I hate that you have to go through that!”

“Management can’t do--or won’t do much--which makes the drive to move sooner. Gwen and Janae said I could move back there until I find something I like but, I dunno, I still have something to prove to myself, you know?”

Victor shrugs in response, leaning his head against Benji’s, “I feel like yes is the right answer. I really wanna kick his ass, and I don’t wanna cover that up. But I can’t protect you from everything, right?”

“Right,” Benji says, “I won’t let you, no matter how hard you try.”

“Hmm,” Victor says taking Benji in his arms, “I’m working really hard on  _ not  _ trying.”

Benji settles into Victor’s arms, feeling relieved albeit a little frustrated because he doesn’t want Joe--his asshole neighbor--to impact the time he and Victor have together. Just because they found a great way to set up their world to be asshole free doesn’t mean they can always succeed. He doesn’t want the inability to succeed to bring on more stress, it’s enough just learning how to let himself be loved and to show up better. 

“I know we don’t talk about our reactions to homophobia or homoantagonists a lot,” Victor says running his fingers through Benji’s hair. “I’m sorry if I lost my temper about that guy earlier--

“Thanks,” Benji says, “I’ve just never seen you talk about getting violent before or having hit someone before--I mean, I dunno, it  _ makes  _ sense. It’s not like I haven’t known gay people to want to do more than yell back…”

“Yeah,” Victor says, “but I gotta be careful...because I like my job and I assume that self-defense while Brown gets the same reaction as self-defense while Black…”

“I wish it didn’t,” Benji says smoothing his hands over Victor’s arms, “I wish I had done or said something too--

“One of the reasons I love you, B,” Victor says and then stiffens under Benji.   
When Victor stops combing through Benji’s hair, Benji takes the moment to wonder if it’s weird to say  _ I love you  _ so quickly after starting to get back together. He does the math in his head and it’s about the time they said it last time, if not a little earlier--but not by much. Wondering if Victor freaked himself out, Benji turns in place to face him. 

“I love you too,” Benji says sitting up, “I mean I know we didn’t talk about it or anything and I’m not sure we needed to--I do love you....I don’t think I stopped…”

“Me either, Benji,” Victor says, curling a lock behind Benji’s ear. “I mean I was scared and angry but never because I stopped.”

Benji inches up to place a peck on Victor’s lips. He deepens the kiss on Victor grabbing his face, running his fingers through Victor’s hair as Victor tightens their embrace. They make out on the couch until, pausing for air, Benji says, “Let’s go to bed.” 

Victor nods, as Benji leads him to his bedroom, where they spend the night wrapped in each other, grateful for the way they provide each other refuge from the world outside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know they didn't kiss at the end of the last chapter. Hopefully, the way this one ends makes up for it. Many of us writers know that folks aren't reading LV fics as much as we did earlier this summer.   
> Kudos and comments give me wings and propel me to keep moving forward. I know in the next chapter we'll see more Victor, Fe-Lake and...I dunno just yet, you tell me what you'd like to see next ;)


	29. Planning a move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lake suggests everyone goes on a road trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quarantine is sad and I needed to get out of the funk enough to start writing, so here's a chapter I wrote...my beta's waiting on school news so if you catch things in need of correcting, pls lmk!

While the HR and Women’s Center training do what they say they’re going to do, the awkwardness after the fact, the labor of walking through the tension of toxic masculinity is more than enough to want to look for another job. He sends out applications during breaks and the nights he’s not hanging with Felix, Lake, or Benji. Times like this, he regrets not choosing another specialty, one that would make looking for a job easier. Then, he reminds himself, he liked working with athletes, and people were too stressed in med school to care about your sexual orientation. 

“You know,” Lake says, “we need to get out of town--

“Pardon me?” Victor asks. 

She’s over at his house, with wine and watching her favorite episodes of Ru Paul Drag Race. Having Lake as a staple in his life, he reminds himself, remains a happy distraction from heavy thinking. 

“Well,” Lake says, “I was looking at Air BnB’s by the ocean--near Mia--because I wanna get out, take a drive before it gets too cold, you know, and they have great house rentals for the hurricane birds and nothing’s really coming up to the Carolina’s this fall and--

“When?” Victor asks, “it’s not like the drive is a couple of hours--

“Umm,” Lake answers rolling her eyes, “Columbus Day, silly! You can even invite Felix so I don’t feel like a third wheel.”

“You  _ do  _ know what that means, right?”

“What?”

“That means you’re  _ wanting  _ to spend time with him.”

“Ugh,” Lake says, “don’t be that guy. Straight people of two genders can be friends--

“Not when one of them would pave the road with gold if the other asked…”

Lake rolls her eyes again, in that way that lets Victor knows she adores the attention that Felix gives her. “I’ll be nice. And he wouldn’t try anything unless I let him--

“I just…”Victor begins to say, “he’s my best friend here and I don’t wanna see him get hurt.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to ask him if I was planning on hurting him,” Lake says with a serious look in her eye. A look that has Victor wondering,  _ is she really softening to him?  _

When he sees him the next day, Felix jumps at the idea and offers to rent the car. Victor gets the impression that Felix doesn’t hang with a lot of people, at least not ones he’d vacation with. Felix is like a kid in a candy store about the whole thing, and not just because the trip was Lake’s idea. He did admit that Lake suggested Felix join them, and he hopes he made the right decision in being that honest. It’s hard, and he’s lost a couple of friends along that way when friends have chemistry that’s stronger for one than the other. Well, he’s hoping Lake’s intentions are pure because Felix doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that can survive a lot of heartbreak. 

Benji loves the idea and insists on getting Lake’s number to help her with planning because he knows Victor will take care of the food. Victor  _ loves  _ taking care of the food. It’s his thing. When he was in high school, his ability to make great carbs had been a buffer during tense moments. On moving out on his own. It was his remaining creative release. He insisted on taking the time to teach himself how to cook, watching a lot of Alton Brown, googling a lot of recipes, or catching stuff on YouTube because, well, he was paying for med school, he wasn’t going to be able to pay for culinary school. And he didn’t want to pay for it because he didn’t want  _ those  _ kinds of hours. 

At the end of the week, he invites Benji over, making him dinner much like the one he had made for the dinner party. Victor makes a point to include seasonal veggies in the tart and makes a vegan chocolate cake. “Thanks for cooking for me,” Benji says as he walks in with flowers and a kiss, “it really means a lot.”

“Well,” Victor says, “since we’re going out of town the next time I have a free weekend, I wanted to make sure we had a night that was just us…”

“Hmm,” Benji says walking deeper into Victor’s apartment,

Victor grabs the food from the kitchen counter, brings it out to the dining table, and sets it on the table. He looks up to find Benji on the couch, his arm thrown over the back as Benji’s face watches Victor move. “You wanna eat over there?”

Benji nods, “I wanna be closer to you than a table allows.”

Victor can’t help but smile. Benji’s appreciation for closeness in their new chapter is a delight. He puts a little bit of everything on two plates, carefully sets cutlery on them before walking over to Benji. His boyfriend takes ap late off Victor’s arm as Victor sets his plate on the table to give him the dexterity to sit down. After he grabs his plate, Benji crosses his legs and sits facing him, which prompts Victor to sit the same way. Their knees are touching, and Benji snuggles into his seat, as he says, “I think I may have found a place for when my lease is up.”

“Yeah,” Victor asks as he grabs a forkful. 

“Yeah,” Benji says, “some professor’s on sabbatical so they’re renting out their house. I mean it means I have to put my stuff in storage, but I get to be closer and it’s affordable because I’m in essence house- and dog-sitting. I’ll be moving next weekend when you’re at your game.”

“Sorry I can’t be there,” Victor says.

“Don’t worry about it,” Benji says, “I mean there won’t be much to move since I am putting most stuff in storage on Sunday...but I do have a favor to ask.

“Yeah?”

“Can I stay  _ here  _ till the house is ready?”

Victor nods, mouth full. After he swallows, he says, “Of course.”

“Perfect,” Benji says, “I can’t wait to have a week of waking up next to you every morning…”

He wants to ask how long the sublet is. A week of waking up next to the man he loves is a really great start. He doesn’t want to test his good fortune. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I removed chapter numbers...and like i do, i tend to post chapters in 2's


	30. I could get used to this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I really like this,” Benji says as Victor combs his fingers through his hair.   
> “You love it when I comb your hair,” Victor chuckles over his head.   
> “That, too,” Benji says snuggling in close, “but I love sleeping next to you every night. It’s gonna be hard to not have this after we get back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the chapter begins a few days where the other left off

Benji loves waking up next to Victor. He loves getting used to the way he smells in the morning. He loves the smell of soap and sleep he has when he enters the bed. He loves saying hi to Felix and game night. And he can’t believe that Victor doesn’t insist he put things in a drawer, undoubtedly still weary because of how Benji a little less than a year earlier. Everything he says and does lets Benji know that Victor’s trying to make different choices. And it’s great, to be so considered. 

Still, in the few minutes before his alarm, where he’s taking in the sight of Victor’s slight morning stubble, Benji knows he wants that to be his everyday. That was the beauty of the house. His lease will end shortly after Victor’s. “I really like this,” Benji says as Victor combs his fingers through his hair. 

“You love it when I comb your hair,” Victor chuckles over his head. 

“That, too,” Benji says snuggling in close, “but I love sleeping next to you every night. It’s gonna be hard to not have this after we get back.”

“Hmm,” Victor says, “I hear that. I mean I know we slowed things down after that one time I came over because I didn’t want it to feel like you always had to be at my house but,” Victor says smoothing his hand against Benji’s t-shirt, “but yeah, I definitely….really like this, too.”

Benji turns up to face him and says, “my lease ends in March, you know?”

Victor holds Benji’s gaze and swallows. “Really?”

Benji nods, and runs his finger along the defined line between Victor’s pecks, “I mean I know I was scared before, but I felt like, you know, if you wanted, we could…”

“We could,” Victor echoes, just a pitch higher than a breath. 

Benji snuggles in closer, till his nose is touching the edge of Victor’s jaw, “we could move in together--pick a place that suits both of us when your lease is up here.”

“And that’s...that’s not moving too fast for you, or…

Benji shakes his head, “No. I’m not afraid of how happy I am with you anymore…”

“You were afraid, B?”

“I finally figured out the words,” Benji says resting his cheek against Victor’s heartbeat, “I was afraid of having more to lose and,” he takes a deep breath, “it was easier to just add grief to the unresolved issues of my mom. I mean, it was safer for sad to be my normal last year. You felt too good to be true.”

Victor curls his fingers around one of Benji’s straight locks, lifts his chin so their eyes are meeting, and says, “You still feel that way.” 

*** 

On Friday, Benji arrives at Victor’s taking in the sight of him packing a picnic basket in the living room. “Getting ready for the trip?”

“I was able to get off work early, so I got a few more things and realized I wanted a picnic basket to hold the snacking foods and that the Kind bars with the nuts would be a good idea since none of us are allergic and they’re vegan.”

“Sweet,” Benji says, “I’m gonna take a shower and then help out.”

“I wish I hadn’t taken one because then I’d totally join you.”

“There’ll be time for that this weekend,” Benji says with a sly grin, making a point to lightly swish his hips as he goes.

“Tease!” Victor calls out. 

When Benji walks out of the shower, he hears Lake ask, “Why, lookie here, almost packed?”

He gets dressed quickly, much to his frustration, to join them in the front. 

He finds that Lake’s brought chairs and cover, in case the weather allows for the beach. 

He watches Victor set the packed up food next to the beach stuff, as Victor reviews what she brought with her and says, “you thought of everything and we’re gonna have such a good time.” 

“I’m just grateful Felix rented an SUV for the trip,” she comments, “He’s a funny one--

“I think he’s just really excited to go to the beach,” Victor says. “Not all of his other friends like to go--

“I’ll definitely pay for gas,” Benji says, “it’s like everyone thought of everything--

“Eh,” Victor says, “we took a lot of cross-state road trips when I was little. It’s a science.” 

“And, you know, the joys of settling down is that you can buy random things to go to the beach and hang out with your friends, you know?”

Benji shrugs, “I still can’t believe you insisted Felix join us.”

“He’s the most random friend of yours, Victor,” Lake comments as she plops herself on his couch, “I gotta tell you.”

“I mean we’re at that age where people are either married and family planning or already have kids, not a lot of us out here not in the family way--

Benji wants to say  _ yet  _ but holds the thought behind a tight-lipped smile. Victor glances his way, raises an eyebrow, and shakes his head. 

Lake, not appearing to catch the unspoken between them, says, “True,” Lake says, “I block my mother’s call on the weekends  _ just  _ so I don’t have to hear her say I’m not getting any younger. I mean it’s cute that Mia and Andrew have kids, but they’re not  _ those  _ people. They have two, they’re done. They  _ like  _ their single friends.”

Victor chuckles. They then review their inventory, catch up on Drag Race, and head to bed. 

Felix picks them up first thing in the morning. If they weren’t runners, they’d be annoyed. It doesn’t take long for Benji to fall asleep on Victor. He’s not a morning person and it’s been the first time they’ve been under a blanket together in almost a year. Victor’s warmth serves as a lullaby and they both wake up at their first pit stop. Benji wakes to find his arms wrapped around Victor’s waist and his head on Victor’s lap. 

“Mi Vida,” Victor bends over and whispers, “mi Vida, pit stop.”

Benji blinks his eyes open to Victor, smiles as he rubs his face into the pillow of Victor's thigh. “You two are gross,” Lake says from the front, “The stop isn’t too bad, Felix is already taking care of his business.” 

Benji trails behind Victor, and looking around is all he can do to not hold his boyfriend’s hand. It’s still the south and there are no major cities nearby, so they have to be careful. The rest stop is holiday weekend busy, but the restrooms are clean with ceiling to floor stalls and hands-free soap dispensers and hand dryers. Benji watches Victor splash his face and realizes he should do some stretching before he gets back in the car. 

They arrive to find Felix and Lake stretching outside of their respective doors, “I wish all rest stops were like this,” Victor says, stretching his arms up, “it’d make road trips so much more fun.”

“Definitely,” Felix says, “I mean this is the farthest I’ve been out for a while since my grandfather died, but I do love a good road trip with clean rest stops. Allows you to take in the moment.” 

“Mia and Victor have converted me into a road trip fan,” Lake says, “they’ve unwittingly slowed me down for the rest of the world.” 

“Hmm,” Benji says, “it’s my favorite way to travel, I’ll eventually have to look into driving again--though I don’t want the upkeep of a car...I’ve gotten comfortable in its absence…”

“And you love riding your bicycle everywhere,” Victor says, “Plus, I love what they do for your legs.” 

Benji turns beet red and moves to playfully shove Victor. Victor catches his face, studies his eyes, Victor has this way of looking at him that melts him and awakens him all at once. It’s too much when what he wants to do about it, he can’t really do. At least, not until they get to their Air BnB. 


	31. Brunch with the Spencers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's getting ready for Brunch wit the Spencers 
> 
> or 
> 
> “Thanks,” Victor says, turning to see that Benji’s moving around behind him, gathering the unused pots and pans. 
> 
> “You two are disgusting,” Lake says watching the scene. 
> 
> “Huh,” Victor says as Benji sets out a porcelain gravy boat for the dressing. 
> 
> “Wanna finish bringing the stuff out to the table,” Benji asks as he wipes down the pots. 
> 
> “Doesn’t stop you two from being disgusting,” she mutters as she grabs the mixed greens and the salad dressing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter's worth the wait. I've been working on OG content, ergo my absence.

Victor’s relieved, elated, that Benji brought up wanting to live together eventually. Benji’s warm skin against his, the hint of stubble scraping against his chest, Benji’s hand over his heartbeat, all of those things are _home_ to him. They’d gone most of the summer back together without it and he’s not sure he wants to give it up. 

“Stop thinking,” Benji says turning his head, “this is perfect.”

“That’s what I’m thinking about,” Victor whispers, stroking Benji’s hair, “how perfect _this_ is.”

“Hmm,” Benji hums, tucking his head into the nape of Victor’s neck and kissing him in that spot that makes Victor melt on contact. 

Victor turns in Benji’s embrace, closes his eyes, and whispers, “I love waking up like this.”

“I love you, too,” Benji says, readjusting to Victor’s new posture. 

Victor kisses the top of his boyfriend’s head, pulling him in tighter, “We don’t have to leave this room, do we?”

“Not yet,” Benji says, “but eventually…”

They head down together after snuggling back to sleep for another hour to find Benji breathing heavily and Lake drinking a water bottle. 

“Did you go running with her?”

“Uh-huh,” Felix says, “you two are intense…”

“He volunteered,” Lake says, setting down her bottle, “and since you were _sleeping…_ ”

“We’re on vacation,” Benji chuckles. 

“So,” Lake says, “I always run in the morning, it wakes me up faster than coffee.”

“Which is why I drink coffee before I go running with you. You’re one of few people that challenges me...when I run.”

“I’m awesome,” Lake says, “I’mna go take a shower…

“I’ll start brunch,” Victor says, “and then I’ll text Mia and Andrew…”

“Sounds good,” Lake says. 

“Is there any way I can help,” Felix says, “I know very little about doing fancy things with veggies, but I can make my way around measuring cup and--

“How about setting the table,” Benji says, “Victor and I got this.”

“Sure thing,” Felix says, “so there will be vegan and non-vegan things?”

Victor nods, “the twins are _picky_ eaters, so, yeah…”

Victor starts opening the cabinets to find salt, pepper, and frying pans. He sets them on the island next to Benji who’s started the vegan scramble. He sneaks in a kiss on the cheek before he pulls out the non-vegan items--sausage, eggs, cheese. “The cookie sheets are in the broiler,” Benji says, “under the oven.”

“This is a really great kitchen,” Felix says, “drawers in the island, lots of cabinet space. Watching you two navigate around it is pretty awesome.” 

“When Lake showered me the pictures,” Benji says, “I knew it would be a dream cooking in here.”

“You saw the pictures?” Victor says.

“Oh yeah,” Benji says, “I mean when we negotiated us getting the master bedroom--

“Negotiated?” Victor asks as he washes his hands from the meat products he just set on a cookie sheet. 

Benji nods, “I wanted to make sure we had alone time that wasn’t...weird, you know, so I Zelled her some funds given the larger room and--

Victor wraps his arms around his boyfriend, kisses him on the neck, and says, “Sneaky.”

He doesn’t do more because they have an audience, but he makes a commitment to take further advantage of it later.

They move around the kitchen, taking turns at the induction stove, being mindful to resist non-vegan food contaminating vegan dishes. By the time the sausages are cooked, and covered, they lower the oven’s temp to 200 and stick in the other warm foods. They then get to making a greens salad with arugula, spinach, cherry tomatoes, pecans, and darker lettuce greens. 

“Is this the kind of kitchen you’d want when we move in together?” Victor asks. 

Benji nods, “Yeah, and maybe we’d rent before you change jobs--

“Change jobs?” Felix asks as he pours himself another cup of coffee.

“I mean I like my job but, I _hate_ away weekends and...I’m growing less tolerant of locker room talk.”

“Hmm,” Felix says, “we’re all awkward in IT, so I have no idea what that means.” 

“Being in a serious relationship with someone I just...I just don’t want to spend so much energy evading homophobia or educating people. It’s still tense despite the people that came in…”

“Homophobia sucks,” Benji says, “I mean it’s the reason I moved…

“But I won’t leave a job unless I know I can stay in Atlanta and,” Victor says, “still in Sports Medicine--I mean probably a physical therapy clinic or something, some mentors say I’ll need another year of experience, but I’m still putting my apps out to clinics around Atlanta.”

“Ah,” Felix says.

“I like the coworkers in my unit, but I just...sometimes college athletes can be a little…

“Toxic?” Benji asks.

Victor nods. 

As they hear Lake come down the stairs, Felix says, “I guess it’s my turn.”

“Be quick,” Lake says, “the Spencers are like 15 minutes away.”

“She texted you and not me?” Victor asks.

“You told her you were cooking and I let her know I was out of the shower so it kind of makes sense.”

“It does,” Benji says with a shrug and a playful hip bump. “Did you wanna make a dressing from scratch or…”

“Scratch, please,” Lake says, “I love Victor’s cuisine’s flavor profile. He’s so fancy sometimes.”

Victor rolls his eyes as he pulls out the red wine vinegar, and the olive oil he’d gotten at the farmer’s market, and balsamic. Who knew something so good could come from grapes. 

Once he’s measured out the liquids, he realizes he needs the fresh herbs he’d bought, “Hey, Benji, can you get me the--

“Sure thing,” Benji says handing him the herbs. 

On pulling out the basil leaves and rosemary sprigs he needs, he then realizes he needs a smaller cutting board and cutting knife. “Ooh, Benji, I just realized I--

“Here you go,” Benji says handing him the items before giving him a peck on the cheek. 

“Thanks,” Victor says, turning to see that Benji’s moving around behind him, gathering the unused pots and pans. 

“You two are disgusting,” Lake says watching the scene. 

“Huh,” Victor says as Benji sets out a porcelain gravy boat for the dressing. 

“Wanna finish bringing the stuff out to the table,” Benji asks as he wipes down the pots. 

“Doesn’t stop you two from being disgusting,” she mutters as she grabs the mixed greens and the salad dressing. 

Victor turns to check on the dishwasher, which he finds empty and helps Benji load it. First, he puts the sink stopper over the drain and starts to fill it with hot water. Benji fishes the dish soap from under the sink and pours some in there. They’re closing the first round of dishes into the machine, mostly the pots and pans they used, by the time Mia and Andrew arrive with their twins. 

They throw themselves onto Lake, giddy bundles of joy that they are. “I missed you, too,” Lake says from under them. 

“Hey,” Mia says, sitting her jacket on one of the dining chairs, “you must be Benji.

Victor watches as Benji wipes his hands on a dishtowel before taking Mia’s, “You must be Mia.”

Mia and Benji smile at each other, Victor’s heart-melting, before Andrew says, “finally nice to put a face with a name.”

Benji then offers him his hand and says, “Been a long time comin.”

Then Mia hugs Victor and asks, “Do you need help with anything?”

“No,” Andrew answers for him, “we’ve hosted him long enough.” He winks at his brother in law while handing him a bottle of juicy juice, which seems to be the only thing the girls are willing to drink. 

“I don’t think the house has sippy cups,” Victor says, 

“Oh,” Andrew says, “We came prepared.”

Andrew fishes their cups out of the bag he’s holding and hands them over. 

Benji takes them and fills them with juice while putting what remains in the bottle in the fridge. 

Felix comes down right on time, offering to help Victor and Benji bring the hot dishes to the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just posting one chapter today, so many characters in my head has slowed down my writing process. The more comments I get, esp from new peeps, the more persuaded I'll be to post new chapters. Nothing but love for my consistent fans, y'all keep my fingers on the keyboard ;)


	32. Air BnB visiting the Spencers

It’s a normative brunch with toddlers who are picky and needing attention especially since their audience is so big. Benji works with children a little older than the twins and so he’s delighted to observe Victor and Lake engage with them, tag-teaming with their parents on cleaning spit-up, serving juice, and trying to persuade them to eat. Zora somehow ends up in Victor’s lap eating from his plate. 

He smiles down at her which, somehow, translates into an invitation to play with his bracelet. 

“Zora,” Mia says with a stern voice, “boundaries.”

“It’s okay,” Benji says offering Zora’s mom a smile, “I don’t mind. It’ll give Victor a chance to eat.”

“Oh,” Victor says chuckling, “I’ve mastered the art of eating with  _ and  _ around Zora, haven’t I?”

She looks up at him and giggles. 

If Benji wasn’t in love with him already, that’d have done it right there. He’s so good with her and she holds him in such warm regard despite the amount of time it’s been since they’ve seen each other. That means something. Something beautiful that ignites warm goo flowing all through Benji. 

As they wrap up eating, Benji observes Felix studying the table, then slowly begin clearing the empty dishes, all the while Lake and Mia talk about their respective coworkers and Mia’s ambivalence with regards to considering a promotion at work. “I don’t want more hours just yet,” she explains leaning back in her chair, tracing the rim of her glass, “at least not until they’re in school, you know.” 

“I’d say we could get support,” Andrew says, “but she insists…”

“I want to be there,” Mia says, “I don’t want to miss anything…”

She bites her lip, sighs. She shrugs at Benji, “my mom wasn’t around much when I was younger.”

“I think that’s why I wanted to be a teacher,” Benji says, “because when I have kids, I wanna be around too…”

Mia’s eyes bulge and she turns to Victor, Benji follows and finds that his boyfriend’s face has gotten a little red. 

“I dunno that I want kids,” Lake says, “at least not right now, I mean. I know if I do have kids, I’d want to be more flexible--but I think our careers work differently that way, where if I get promoted, I could write in the kind of flex that I’d want...well, until a certain level of leadership I guess…”

“A lot of jobs are weird that way,” Felix says, “grunt work until you get to a certain level and then schmoozing at higher levels...I like that I’ve graduated from most of the grunt work.”

“I can only dream,” Victor says, “and it’s such a good dream…” 

After Felix, with the help of Andrew, clear the table, Lake storing the food, they load up into their cars and head to a local park, too much of a food coma for the beach. The twins run around in the park, kicking the ball around with the grown-ups at their disposal. They integrate Benji and Felix pretty easily, especially considering their possessiveness over Victor. He wonders if he and Victor would get to have them over a weekend, give their parents time to themselves, and give them practice. It’s so strange for him to be thinking that way when their relationship still feels so new. Still, he can’t help it, looking at the way that Victor lets the girls tackle him all the while setting boundaries when they begin to argue over who had the ball first. 

When the girls start to slow down and get whiny, Victor and Andrew pick one up each, “Time to go,” Mia mouths, “nap time.”

Lake, surprisingly, threads her arm around Benji’s arm as the group starts walking to their cars. Felix looks at them, feeling a little defeated, but holds himself to walk with Victor and they get to talking about some video game Benji vaguely recollects. He takes in the crowd at the park, it’s a great afternoon and he hopes they’ll make it back out when the girls wake. They can still smell the sea from here and he wants to get in as much of it as he can. 

When they arrive back at the house, Felix offers his room as the place where the girls can sleep. When everyone’s back downstairs, they start a game of Uno Flip. It’s a difficult game, with the added challenges of the difficult side, and it sustains rounds of laughter and frustration among them. Andrew’s competitive, stubborn side comes out, Victor egging him on. Benji gets into it, too, mostly because he starts to realize that these people are Victor’s life before Georgia. There’s an ease Victor has because these people are part of his past. While yes, Lake is part of his past too, with Andrew and Mia, it’s different. He’s never known people to be different around two groups of people unless it was the professional and personal line. With Victor, though, it’s like he’s taking up more space, going back and forth between English and Spanish with greater ease. “Would anyone like any coffee or tea or--

“Yeah,” Lake says, “can you put hot water to brew, I think they have a French press here, so--

“Thanks, Babe,” Victor says looking up from his cards, meeting Benji’s gaze as he walks to the kitchen. 

It doesn’t take long for Lake to join him, pulling out the tea and coffee grounds. She puts the coffee grounds in the French Press. She helps him by bringing mugs to the table, something unexpected. Her kindness, he must admit to himself. Sure, she was more than happy to talk more money so he and Victor had the master suite, but performative reluctance was, well, clear from the getgo. She made a show of discomfort, he started to realize, because of fear. The time she was unintentionally spending with Felix so that her couples’ friends could be together, well, that was a gesture. 

Benji wondered what Lake’s agenda was because, at ease, as she was with Andrew, she was so uncomfortable with him. Not the discomfort of not liking, but something different altogether. She helps load the twins in the car when the Spencer’s leave, and sets to cleaning up the area they used without asking. Watching her soften with Felix, let her eyes linger out at the darkening sky on the other side of the window, he wonders if she feels left out, out of place, among people who seem so relaxed and among people who have either given up on meeting family expectations like he has or, like the Spencer’s and Victor, have friendships with their parents and extended family. Felix acts like an orphan, the way he clings to people so quickly but Lake, Lake longs for something. His artist’s eyes can tell. 

“Felix and I are gonna get some ice cream,” Victor says, “want anything?”

“Something in a cone, frozen yogurt,” Lake says looking at the pair of boys at the window. 

“Butter pecan, babe,” Benji says starting another pot of hot water. 

After the guys have left, Lake says, “I see why Victor loves you.”

Benji can’t help but blush. 

“I mean I dunno what happened when you guys broke up but,” Lake says walking to join him in the kitchen, “you do well around all of us, and, you take really good care of him.”

“Thanks?” Benji says setting a bag of chamomile in a mug. 

“It’s nice,” Lake says with a shrug, as she opens the fridge door and pulls out a can of flavored seltzer water. 

“What’s with you and Felix?” 

He changes the subject because he sees something and, without Victor around, he can ask. 

“He’s not a guy I can bring home,” Lake says, “so I dunno what to do about that--

“Why does it matter?”

Lake shrugs, “Because I still care what they think. I know I shouldn’t,” she says leaning on the other side of the island, “but I do. The last guy who looked at me like that...my family tore him to shreds and we didn’t recover….”

“That sucks,” Benji says, “I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that.”

Lake shrugs, “I have mixed feelings about how much I worry.” 

“I wish I could,” Benji says, “though my mom would have loved Victor--

“Everybody’s mom loves Victor,” Lake jokes, “my mom triple-checked that he was gay after the first time she met him...it was a painful conversation.” 

Benji chuckled, “I hope his mom doesn’t hate me for last year…”

“She won’t,” Lake says, “you stepped back up in ways Victor’s dad didn’t know-how. I didn’t know Victor then but Mia’s talked to me about it and...that’s what hurt Victor and Isabel most, the way Armando just disappeared.”

“Hmm,” Benji says, “I didn’t really...I mean I don’t know if I’ll ever meet--

“You will,” Lake says offering a smile,” Armando’s not in his life the way Isabel is but he shows up when it’s important…and you’re important.”

Benji nods, feeling the warmth rise to his face. They spend their brief time alone together beginning to compare family notes, Benji avoiding in-depth attention to his alcoholic history and Lake being forthcoming about never being pretty enough for her mom. She’s a bundle of nerves beneath the surface, he realizes, hiding beneath a type A facade. 

They’re talking about fashion by the time the guys come back with ice cream. They eat ice cream, the four of them, sharing funny observations about the day and talking about the school of kids that were running around the ice cream parlor when the boys were there. 

Taking in the other three, Benji finds an extension of home, a comfort in being able to share time with Victor’s friends in a more neutral element. None of them are at home and yet they are. Victor nudges his feet as their ice cream cups empty. “Well,” Victor says, “see you in the morning?”

“Take care, V,” Felix says as he and Benji stand up. 

“Have a good night you two,” Benji says resting a hand on Lake’s shoulder. 

She squeezes his hand briefly before he removes it. He hopes she sends her fears to hell because Felix looks at her the way Victor looks at him and, well, that kind of look is worth the risk. 

  
  


“Today was nice,” Benji says as he crawls into bed. 

Victor nods, lathering soap on his face. 

Benji watches him, considers how hard it’s going to be to not have the sight of Victor getting ready for bed when they get home. It’s not a great feeling, though it’s not a bad one. A mixture of what he’ll miss and what he’s going to look forward to. He knows that much, he feels that much. “You know I love you, right?” he asks, picking at his cuticles, trying to even them out without making himself bleed. 

The sink water turns off. He looks up to find Victor in the middle of padding his face dry with a towel. After a beat, he turns back to his hands, stops picking because the cuticle over his thumb has started to bleed. Maybe he spoke too soon, not soon enough? He’s learned enough from the past year to give Victor time to process what he said and to talk back to the negative thoughts brewing in his head.  _ You’re practicing vulnerability. A year ago you two weren’t as sure as you are now. You took a risk but it was a good risk. You’ve talked about moving in together and you’ve talked about kids and you’ve talked about your future together, these words are okay to say, even if he’s not ready to say them yet.  _

Benji settles into his side of the bed after accepting that maybe Victor’s not ready to say the same thing just yet. He won’t deny how it hurts to not have heard it back, but he tries to lean into that, for now, how far they’ve come, seeing Victor among his own can, for now, be enough. He closes his eyes and feels the room darken on the other side of his eyelids. He takes a deep breath, then another, as Victor gets into bed behind him. When he feels Victor’s arms slide over him, he releases tension he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Victor nuzzles the back of his neck and says, “I do.” Pressing him in closer, Victor adds, “I love you, too.” 

Benji melts in his arms, tears of relief staining his cheeks. “I’m so lucky,” he says, turning in Victor’s embrace. 

“I’m luckier,” Victor says before pressing his lips onto Benji’s. 


	33. Pretty Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s just,” Felix says as they cross the street away from campus, “she’s so pretty and smart and I’m just…”  
> “A blubbering mess?” Victor asks nudging him with his elbow as they make it to Jimmy John’s.  
> “Yeah,” Felix answers, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s one thing when I’m hanging out with you and Benji--but a road trip...alone with Lake? I dunno that I’m ready…”  
> “We can have practice runs at my house,” Victor says, “or at Benji’s if that’ll help because it’ll be a new location anyway.”
> 
> or Love Victor boys relishing in their good luck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next series of chapters are focusing on Venji and the crew over the holidays....here's the setup

Victor loves hanging out with Felix before work and during lunch. It’s built in time away from, well, his coworkers and toxic masculinity. It’s the subtle stuff that’s more annoying, the locker room talk that leaks into his office as one or more come out of it. The “that’s so gay,” has stopped, but they’ve moved to nonverbals and that’s just...more painful. Felix coming in to talk about Lake is a great reprieve. 

By November, he’s gotten a few interviews but no new job. He knows that after his second year review, having demonstrated longevity, his opportunities may change. He just wishes it would happen sooner. He’s tired of the stress he feels on his job and he doesn’t want it to take a toll on the rest of his life. 

Still, on the flip side, at least he doesn't have to worry about working around the holidays. Not starting a new job before the holidays also means his days off are not a threat, so he shouldn’t complain too much. “Ready for lunch,” Felix says the Monday before election day. 

“Gimme a sec,” Victor says as he types up the rest of his report. 

“So,” Felix says as they walk out of his office, “I need your help with Lake--

“What else is new?”

“Well,” Felix says, “she said I could come with her to Friendsgiving at the Spencer’s and--

“That’s awesome, dude,” Victor says wrapping his arm around him, “that’s  _ really  _ good!”

“So,” Felix says, “why doesn’t she spend it with her family--

“Because her family’s old school Texas money and she has been trying to shake them for a minute.” 

“Oh,” Felix says, “that makes sense. I guess because I don’t really have family to go home to, I just forget,” he shrugs as they make their way out of the building. 

Felix has a way of dropping stuff like that, the painful reality of a dead mom, an estranged dad and nonexistent family like it’s no big deal. He’s the classic techie guy save for being insanely in touch with his grief without being weighed down by it. Then again, Felix is the kind of guy who works hard to maintain his childlike innocence, undoubtedly learning to love and be loved from that place. “Mia and Andrew love you,” Victor says, “and Lake inviting you is a good thing,” he adds, “focus on that.”

“It’s just,” Felix says as they cross the street away from campus, “she’s so pretty and smart and I’m just…”

“A blubbering mess?” Victor asks nudging him with his elbow as they make it to Jimmy John’s.

“Yeah,” Felix answers, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s one thing when I’m hanging out with you and Benji--but a road trip...alone with Lake? I dunno that I’m ready…”

“We can have practice runs at my house,” Victor says, “or at Benji’s if that’ll help because it’ll be a new location anyway.”

“Yes!” Felix says grabbing Victor’s arms, “would you please?”

“Let me talk to Benji and we’ll give you some dates. His birthday’s coming up soon and I’m trying to figure out if he wants to be surprised by a trip or stay in…”

“You two are the best,” Felix says hugging Victor. 

“Anything for you, Felix,” Victor says as their embrace breaks and they get in line. 

At the end of his workday, he drives over to the house where Benji’s staying. It’s something he can do now, no homophobic roommates to worry bout, no needing to wait till he returns from giving lessons or from his AA meeting. He parks in front of the house, a beautiful two story house with a wrap around porch. The lights are on today, which must mean someone cancelled a lesson or two. He figures he should pull out his phone and give his boyfriend a call and let him know he’s there. 

“Hey, handsome,” Benji says on picking up. 

“Hey,” Victor says, “what are you doing?”

“Cooking dinner,” Benji says, “and thinking about you…”

“Me, too,” Victor says as he steps onto the walkway, “thinking about you...been doing that all day.”

“Yeah?” Benji asks, “Aww, my kids today were so whumpy, itching to wanna know what Santa was going to get them--

“Do you know what you want from Santa,” Victor asks as he lingers in front of the handful of steps up the porch. 

“We have to wait till your lease is up, so,” Benji says and Victor can hear his smile.

“How much dinner you making?” Victor says biting his lip.

“I was feeling extra domestic today so I whipped up some sweet potatoes and cauliflower steaks...I’ve missed a multicourse home-cooked meal.”

“Sounds good,” Victor says, unable to not smile, “would you mind some company?”

“Not at all,” Benji says, “dinner should be done in about...15 minutes?”

“Hmm,” Victor says walking up the stairs, “plenty of time.”

“Plenty of time for?”

“Open your door and find out.”

Within a couple minutes, Benji’s smiling in front of him. “I love it when you surprise me like this,” he says as Victor wraps his arms around him. 

“I just drove here without thinking about it…”

“You’re always thinking about it,” Benji says as the dogs dance around their legs. 

“Let’s close the door before they get ideas,” Victor says, bending down to tousle the heads of the mutts. 

“Can’t wait till we have our own,” Benji says as Victor hears the door close behind him. 

“Well,” Victor says standing up from greeting Max and Maggie, “you were the one who didn’t want to start looking until--

Benji shuts him with a kiss and a tight embrace. Victor melts into it, running his fingers through Benji’s hair as Benji sneaks his hands under Victor’s layers. They’re warm and soft against him, calling Victor to pull Benji in tighter, their lips parting open, making way for their tongues to dance around each other. Benji walks backwards, sandwiching himself between the living room doorway and Victor. 

It’s decadent, this new chapter in their relationship, Benji’s less inhibited, more carefree. It’s a happiness better than the first. One without secrets or unnamed wounds. “God, I love you,” Victor says as they part for breath. 

“Yeah,” Benji says rubbing their noses together, “I’m pretty lucky, then.”

“Dinner must be ready,” Victor says, kissing his nose, “come on.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, and thanks for reading y'all. Let me know what you think and if this chapter was worth the wait. Let me know what you'd like to see next.


	34. Plotting for Felix or domestic Venji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you thinking about?” Victor asks, snapping Benji back to attention. 
> 
> “You, handsome,” Benji says with a smile and smoothing his hand against his boyfriend’s back, “how romantic this feels--
> 
> “Me washing dishes?”
> 
> Benji shakes his head, feeling his face warm, “you coming home to me, sharing a meal and cleaning up--all of it together.”
> 
> or 
> 
> Venji being domestic and romantic while preparing to help Felix with Lake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the wait, really, feeling settled in my new place and finally found the time to finish this chapter

Benji loves Victor’s surprise visits. That night he cooked for two, a practice in which he’s invested now that he has the space and the means. They eat in the kitchen. Its table is as large as Victor’s dining table, with a bench against the wall, under a corner window where the sun both rises and sets. They sit on either side of a corner of a table, sneaking in hand brushing, footsie and, for Benji, thumbing off sauce from the corner of Victor’s lip, taking in how the thin mustache above Victor’s lips ages him a little all the while sustaining his boyish charm. 

For Benji, domestic moments such as this are filled with more romance and warm love than the grand gestures he’s used to giving and expecting. He can see and feel, in sharing meals with Victor, what the rest of their lives will look like. 

On that night, between bites and explanations of how he decided on the meal, he considers how adorable he finds Victor’s mustache. Time shows its course in the way Victor’s wavy hair has begun to fall over his face, especially as he studies his plate, considering where to cut and gather a bite next. As they establish a rhythm of eating and drinking and laughing, Benji allows his mind to travel further, scanning the house spread out on the other side of the doorway, the wide stairs to the bedrooms of the second floor, wondering what kind of house he would like to share with Victor. 

Of course there house would be smaller, a single-story three-bedroom with a basketball net either hanging from above the garage door or standing in the backyard. Benji would want smaller dogs, if he’s honest, lighter than 50 pounds, though definitely bigger than 20. He wants a dog that could actually fit in his lap while listening to Victor play the piano or watching TV with their future kids. As Victor clears their empty plates and takes them to the sink, he considers how the chores would be divided among them and the potentially two to three kids they’d have--maybe a four-bedroom would be ideal. Still, he’d want a single story, unless he could find a two-story that was as minimalist as he wanted to live. And not the modern designs where rooms are the sizes of closets. He’d have to eventually talk to Victor about all these visions and daydreams and, with the holiday season approaching, he was grateful to have the time. 

“What are you thinking about?” Victor asks, snapping Benji back to attention. 

“You, handsome,” Benji says with a smile and smoothing his hand against his boyfriend’s back, “how romantic this feels--

“Me washing dishes?”

Benji shakes his head, feeling his face warm, “you coming home to me, sharing a meal and cleaning up--all of it together.”

“We’ll eventually have to talk about what kind of house to get and if, you know, a timeline of…

“A timeline of?”

“What we do first,” Victor says biting his lip, “I mean I wanna live with you and I want...I want more than that…”

Benji turns away for a bit, trying to hide his face where he switches from fear to excitement to mushiness.

“Me, too,” Benji says as he sets the electric kettle to start, “me, too.”

“Wanna take the tea in the living room?” Victor asks, wrapping his arms around Benji from the back. 

Benji leans back and nods, “Grab the mugs?”

“Sure thing, mi vida,” Victor says before kissing the side of Benji’s forehead and releasing his grasp on his boyfriend. 

They take tea to the living room, the dogs following them, eager for the attention Victor’s all too willing to give. 

“So, handsome,” Benji says pulling his legs up on the arm chair on which he’s chosen to sit, “what inspired you to see me today?”

“Another rejection,” Victor says smoothing, Charlie’s, the German shepherd, mane over his head, “I know I’m still waiting to hear from others but…”

“Rejections are never easy,” Benji says reaching out his hand, “I’m sorry, babe.”

“Thanks,” Victor says, setting his hand in Benji’s and giving him a small smile, “I know it’s a blessing in disguise especially if we’re thinking of buying to show, you know, job stability and everything…

“I mean I’ve been at my job for over five years so there’s that,” Benji says, “so depending on when we buy, you know, between your income and my job stability, I’m not really worried...thought I know you  _ really  _ wanna leave locker room talk…

Victor shrugs, “Yeah,” and with an awkward smile, he adds, “And Felix needs our help--

“Yeah?”

“Lake asked him to take her to Mia’s for the holiday?”

“Perfect!” 

“And he wants to practice with us--

“Double date help or dressing to impress?”

“The former,” Victor answers, “I thought maybe we could invite them both over, any of the days before your birthday--

“Why before?”

“Because I have plans,” Victor says, “involving a number of days and--

“Hmm,” Benji says, unable to keep the corners of his lips from defying gravity, “where?”

“Your birthday or the double date?”

“Double date,” Victor says, “and here?”

“I think I want my birthday here, too,” Benji says, “play house?”

“Play house?”

“You, me, silent phones and,” Benji doesn’t finish the sentence, “you know.”

“So you’re okay with Felix,” Victor says lacing his fingers with Benji, “I mean helping him out.”

“Let’s see a week from now,” Benji says, “and then we can, you know, have a nice birthday weekend in.”

“Sounds, good,” Victor says, “and do you mind if I stay the night--

“Of course,” Benji says, reaching for his hot tea, “you have clothes here. Just washed and folded.”

“I love you,” Victor says, squeezing his hand.

The way Benji and Victor plan it is divide and conquer. Benji reaches out to Lake and invites her over, says he’s having a pre-birthday bash with Victor’s friends because they want a low key thing--spending Turkey day with Janae, Gwen, and Kenny where they’ll fawn over him. Lake agrees and asks him what she should bring to drink. With the autumn cool settling in, he opts to request cider, so they can warm it up with the Vegan sweet potato pie he intends on making that night. 

Before he leaves for work that day, he sets out a a cream, cable-knit turtleneck sweater with black jeans for the evening’s meal, wanting to make sure he doesn’t dress up or dress down too much. Victor gets home before he does, and Benji finds him chopping mushrooms, wearing a navy blue henley and khakis that sit in all the right places. Victor has trimmed his hair a bit, leaving just enough to flop over, without covering his brow. “How did I end up with such a sexy boyfriend?”

“You know,” Victor says as Benji pecks his lips, “I ask myself that everyday.”

“Huh,” Benji says pulling the vegan roast out of the fridge, “I wonder how he’d feel about you being  _ here.”  _

“Funny,” Victor says, “ Felix will be here soon--he had four outfit options and he needed to go home and change into the one I approved of--

“His nerves are so...he doesn’t date much does he?” Benji asks as he sets up the oven’s timer.

“Nope,” Victor says, “between being a stumbling straight guy and clueless about the way cis women and some gay men find his awkwardness and dimples appealing.”

“Huh,” Benji says, “and you see it?”

“We used to go to sports bars and people would come up to us and he’d completely have them captivated and just... _ not  _ pick up on anything. I’d try to point it out to him but he’s so unsure of himself he wouldn’t--couldn’t--see it.” 

“Aww,” Benji says, “and he’s only into women--

“Oh yeah,” Victor says, “he’s so comfortable talking about what he loves and engaging people who show any interest that he doesn’t pick up on  _ any  _ clues…”

Benji shakes his head, “I’m just glad I don’t have anything to worry about--

“Mi vida,” Victor says pulling out the bag of greens from the fridge, “he’s not my type--

“No?”

“I have a thing for musicians,” Victor says hip bumping his boyfriend who sets the salad bowl in front of him, “and preschool teachers who are great with kids and dogs. Especially if they have hazel eyes and can kiss my memory away.”

“We don’t have time for all your flirting,” Benji says kissing his boyfriend’s shoulder, “Lake said she’d be here in,” Benji turns to double check the clock on the stove, “ten minutes…”

“Fine,” Victor says, “you’re just adorable when you act like you can get jealous and I can’t help myself.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapters or two will definitely be holiday themed ;), if you have any ideas of what you would like to see, please let me know.


	35. Felix and Lake over for dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking about that potential, he wraps his arms around Benji, snuggles with his nose, and says, “I’m so in love with you.”  
> “You’re extra mushy today,” Benji says offering him a half-smile, “what’s going on in that head of yours?”  
> “My heart’s just full,” Victor says, a half-truth because he doesn’t want to say everything, not just yet. He wants to take his time, relish in the present without the grandiose dreams of the future. There will be time for that, and tonight, tonight is about helping friends come together and see if anything could be there between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Faithful readers and the discord community of Love Victor fanfic writers are the Felix to my internal Victor. Happy reading :)

Setting the table with Green salad, Vegan roast, a vegan sweet potato dish, vegan mac and cheese, and Brussel sprouts, Victor couldn’t help but be grateful for how far he and Benji had come in the last few months. Deciding to do the holidays in Georgia, they had agreed, stemmed from wanting to minimize the stress of peopling and family-ing, save for Gwen, Kenny, and Janae, for, you know, reasons. With Benji busy with music lessons, living in another part of town, and his relationship, he hadn’t seen them as much as he used to and he knew he owed them time. 

It makes sense to Victor, if he thinks about it, the need to take turns with each other’s family and to, more specifically, reintegrate into each other’s worlds slowly. And, because he’s the new one in Atlanta, and they spent a fall trip with his friends, spending time with Benji’s friends for Turkey Day makes a great deal of sense. As sure as they are about each other, as much as the engagement ring Victor’s bought is burning a hole in his sock drawer, he’s grateful for the time they’re taking and for, well, the conversations they are having about the life they want to spend together. 

Helping Felix out, he thinks to himself as he takes in Benji setting out glasses at each of their settings, feels like family like they can get to the point where they’re the ones people visit. That they can be home base for others. Thinking about that potential, he wraps his arms around Benji, snuggles with his nose, and says, “I’m so in love with you.”

“You’re extra mushy today,” Benji says offering him a half-smile, “what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“My heart’s just full,” Victor says, a half-truth because he doesn’t want to say everything, not just yet. He wants to take his time, relish in the present without the grandiose dreams of the future. There will be time for that, and tonight, is about helping friends come together and see if anything could be there between them. 

Lake arrives with a bottle of mineral water and vegan pastries, “Victor, I love you, but khakis do nothing for your ass--

“I know,” Benji says as he takes the green bottle and the box of pastries, “I can’t convince him to get rid of them.” 

Felix is right behind her and pulls Victor aside and asks, “Does my ass look good in these?”

Victor takes his jacket and says, “You fill out in our clothes very nicely--

“Victor,” Benji calls out from the kitchen, “what are you doing?”

“Helping Felix with his jacket,” he says, though he totally wants to talk about the awkward conversation of Felix’s ass just to get a laugh. He knows, though, looking at the way Felix is rubbing his hands together and putting them in his pocket, that Felix is still pretty nervous. 

Victor follows Felix into the kitchen, asking him about the traffic and the state of the car he had to take in. “I needed to replace my brake pads, grateful I figured that out sooner rather than later.”

“Hmm,” Victor hums as he takes notes of Lake’s guarded face and Felix’s sparkling eyes. 

“You look lovely, Lake,” Felix says taking in her navy blue scoop neck sweater tunic hanging up to mid-thigh over coffee brown leggings that had her looking like autumn personified, warm colors under a cool composure. 

“You clean up nicely, too,” she says with a nod. 

_ She’s nervous,  _ Victor thinks to himself. He offers a small knowing smile to Benji who then begins to offer them drinks and asks them to sit. 

Victor and Benji nonverbally agree to sit across from each other as they take their seats, letting their friends take appropriate distance and have time to talk with each other. Because Lake is the person they see the least, they spend plenty of time letting her catch them up about work, the goings-on in her building, the state of politics and the debates on how to cover it given their desire for ratings, and her delight in her family’s disappointment at her absence over the holiday season. 

“It’s liberating,” she says as she takes a sip of her water, “to  _ not  _ have to go see  _ them  _ over the holidays. I don’t have to perform like I’m wanted there as something more than a comparison stick--

“That sucks,” Felix says running his fingers through his hair, “you’re delightful and I can’t imagine anyone living up to you.”

Victor notes that Felix acts like what he’s said is just a matter of fact and then takes in Lake’s reddening face. Benji’s soft kick under the table tells him he’s telling too much with his face, so he decides to change the subject. Better save them from the awkward discomfort of being friends who will, eventually, be more than friends, and let them figure that out without an audience. 

Changing the subject doesn’t stop them from flirting or, more specifically, from Felix showering Lake with direct compliments on her intellect and warmth and Lake takes small notice of his gestures and quirkiness as endearing and sweet. The small talk of their neighborhoods, comparing notes of weather and the season across the south and southeast region take them through the box of pastries and two pots of coffee and until Lake frowns, looks at her watch and says, “I have to be work at eight tomorrow--

“I’ll walk you to your car,” Felix offers. 

She nods shortly, but her eyes widen in that way that speaks to Victor’s awareness of her excitement. Benji walks them out to the front door, handing them their jackets, as Victor loads the dishwasher with the dishes they soaked in between entrees. 

When Benji returns, sliding his sleeves up his forearms, he says, “You are  _ too  _ obvious--

“What?!” Victor says as he slides their large plates in dishwasher slots.

“I mean I blush and you see it ten seconds easy, but you....how are you a good wingman when you give everything away with your face?!”

Victor laughs as he wipes his hand on a bar mop towel hanging under the apron sink of the kitchen, “They were soo cute,” he says feeling his grin spread, “she’s dated some divas and he’s just...he’s just so tickled by her I couldn’t--I couldn’t help it.” 

“I know,” Benji says leaning against the counter and crossing his arms, “but you have to let them get there--

“Like Gwen and Janae waited?” Victor asks loading their glasses on the top shelf. 

“Well,” Benji says, “that’s not fair, it’s not like we had friends in common then or, you know, that there was a guarantee you would come around--

“I’d have gone to Brasstown every night until I would have had a chance to talk to you,” Victor says, loading the dishwasher soap, “I  _ knew  _ I had to know you.”

“You  _ had  _ to know me,” Benji asks, keeping his place against the counter, crossing his legs. 

Victor nods, “Your eyes, your smile,” he begins as he closes the dishwasher. He makes his way to standing in front of Benji, “and then hearing you sing...I would have been a faithful fan until we were friends...and then more than friends and--

“And?” Benji asks, cheeks reddening and smile widening, though he kept his lips closed. 

“And then,” Victor says grabbing his boyfriend’s hands, “I would have found the way to talk to you again--

“But remember,” Benji says looking down as their fingers intertwined. He looks up from lidded eyes and tells Victor, “you thought I was with Derek?”

“Just to be near you,” Victor answers, “I just needed to be near you even if I couldn’t have had you...I knew, over time, I’d either make peace with being unrequited--

“Or you would have wooed me away from Derek?” Benji asks closing the gap between them. 

“Definitely,” Victor says smiling into kissing Benji. “Definitely.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am debating whether or not to write Turkey Day and Benji birthday chapter together or no...I haven't decided. And it's okay if you had extra feels in reading this, I had extra feels in writing. ;)


	36. Turkey Day Gratitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Benji head to Gwen and Janae's for Thanksgiving
> 
> or 
> 
> “Carino,” Victor says, wrapping his arms around Benji, “I’m not going anywhere...you know that, right?”  
> “Yeah, I just,” Benji sighs, “I just want the rest of our lives together to start already…  
> “Between the house research, the foster parenting classes, and school vetting, it’s not just about you and me riding off into the sunset.”  
> “I mean housing availability and proximity to work are important and we can just choose to live near where I work, unless that’d be weird to have our kids go to school where I work, would that be a thing? And it’s not like you’re going to stay at the university for long because you don’t wanna stay there but then we’d need to figure out how much you could make if you were to leave and then…”  
> “Exactly,” Victor says kissing his nose, melting Benji’s insides instantaneously. “Now let’s finish cooking before they yell at us being late.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not a holiday fic but I couldn't help but write a holiday-themed chapter :)

Waking up next to Victor for more than three days in a row isn’t fair, Benji thinks to himself on the fourth morning. They’re at Victor’s because of his proximity to Janae’s and Victor’s scruffy face, the smell of him wrapping up Benji as he goes to sleep and wakes up is just...it’s tempting him to forego the waiting they committed to doing when he picked up his short term lease. He lays there, studying the scruff on Victor’s face, the stubble growing down his chin to his throat. His eyes settle on Victor’s chest expanding with each inhales and lowering with each exhale. The air is warm so there’s no real reason to snuggle into him, but he also doesn’t want to get out of bed to start cooking.  _ Why didn’t we just spend this ridiculous holiday on their own, wrapped up in each other?  _ He thinks to himself as he returns his head to the pillow, smiling to himself. 

“Hmm,” Victor grumbles as he turns towards him, “g’ morning, B.”

When Victor opens his eyes, Benji lowers his, biting his lip so he doesn’t say anything too sentimental. 

“What’re you thinking?” Victor asks, cracking one eye open. 

“Nothing,” Benji lies. 

“Liar,” Victor smiles, reaching to pull Benji closer. “What time do we have to be there?”

“Three,” Benji says into his spot at the nape of VIctor’s neck.

“Good,” Victor says, kissing Benji’s forehead, “let’s act as we can go back to sleep.”

  
  


By noon, almost three hours later, their teeth are brushed, and they’re preparing the vegan gravy and mashed potatoes. “We agreed to spend the meal with them because we hadn’t seen them in a while, right?” Victor asks as he peels the potatoes over the compost bin. 

Benji nods and says, “Yeah, I mean I don’t see them as much as I used to because of the music lessons and therapy and us…”

Victor shrugs and says, “Fair enough,” adding, “it’s important to remember there are other people who love spending time with us. We’ll be living together soon enough--

“Sometimes I don’t think it’s not--

“Benji,” Victor says, more like a question. 

Benji takes a moment to turn from the gravy simmering on the stove and says, “I mean, we’re doing a pretty good job of being here or at my place and, I dunno.” 

“But this still feels like we’re taking our time, right,” Victor asks, “not rushing into anything on impulse or feels...and there are at least two nights we’re not at each other’s…” 

“Because of your game night with Felix and the day Mondays you have to be on campus early--I don’t feel like we’re rushing as much as I feared we were when I said I’d move out on my own…

“And you set that boundary because you didn’t want to spook yourself like last time,” Victor explains, “I know we see each other all the time but I think slowing down living together is worth the wait. Just think when we’re living together for two months and you don’t like how I clean my razors or I insist you keep that stubble you have on right now.”

“This peach fuzz,” Benji says smoothing his hand over his face, “is nothing...takes me days to grow this where you blink and have a five o’clock shadow…”

“And you love my shadow,” Victor says bumping his hip. 

“I love shaving it, too,” Benji says, and then sighs, as he rolls his eyes and says, “I guess I’m just frustrated with myself for the ridiculous boundary I set.” 

“Carino,” Victor says, wrapping his arms around Benji, “I’m not going anywhere...you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I just,” Benji sighs, “I just want the rest of our lives together to start already…

“Between the house research, the foster parenting classes, and school vetting, it’s not just about you and me riding off into the sunset.”

“I mean housing availability and proximity to work are important and we can just choose to live near where I work unless that’d be weird to have our kids go to the school where I work, would that be a thing? And it’s not like you’re going to stay at the university for long because you don’t wanna stay there but then we’d need to figure out how much you  _ could  _ make if you were to leave and then…”

“Exactly,” Victor says kissing his nose, melting Benji’s insides instantaneously. “Now let’s finish cooking before they yell at us being late.” 

“Don’t think I didn’t hear you say "fostering classes"--

“Like you  _ just  _ started thinking about whether or not you want our future kids to go to the school where you work.”

After they finish prep, placing the gravy and the potatoes in the warm oven, Benji sets out the clothes he brought for the meal, striped pullover sweater, and fitted slacks, and his winter boots. “Victor,” he calls out, “what are you wearing?”

“Huh?” Benji hears him ask from the bathroom. 

He walks over to the bathroom, opens the door, and says, “Babe, what are you wearing?”

Victor peeks out from behind the curtain and says, “Hunter green button-down, my brown jacket, and black slacks, why?”

“I just wanted to make sure I didn’t clash too much,” Benji says with a shrug against the doorway. 

“You just wanna make sure I don’t wear khakis--

“That, too,” Benji says, offering his boyfriend a half-smile. 

They arrive with fifteen minutes to spare, giving Victor enough time to transfer their side to appropriate dishes with Janae’s help. “We’ll bring the hot tea right out,” Janae says as she pulls Victor back into the kitchen. 

“Where’s Kenny?” Benji asks as he throws himself on the couch overlooking the front window.

“Finishing  _ Looking for Lorraine, _ ” Gwen says, “he got himself an early Christmas gift. How you been?”

“Happy,” Benji says, “I mean I miss the band but I love my kids and everything’s going pretty great.” 

“I see that,” Gwen says smoothing her hand over her fro, “so you and Victor talking marriage or--

“Marriage?” Benji asks, I mean we talk kids and house stuff, we were just grumbling about how I’m tired of waiting to just live with him already because we spend so much time together...and he insisted we wait.” 

“He’s being reasonable,” Gwen says, “nothing wrong with taking your time…Janae and I took more time than you two have. We had our ups and downs but like the John Legend song says, take it slow.” 

“I feel like taking it slow is a form of control,” Benji admits to her, leaning forward, “it feels like we’re together all the time, you know, and I don’t think it’s in a bad way.” 

“Maybe it’s the cooldown of the holiday season,” Gwen says, “I mean, I know you just wanted to stay in for your birthday and just chill, right?”

“It was great waking up and going to sleep together for so many consecutive nights. It feels right,” Benji says, his face aching with how wide he smiles at the recollection, “he’s home to me.”

“Well,” Gwen says, getting up, “I think I knew that from the first time I saw you two together--

“Ugh,” Benji says, following her, “I hope you forgive me for being such a coward early on--

“That makes sense, though,” Gwen says as he catches up to her pacing on their way to the dining room, “finding your person is as wonderful as it is scary.”

“Yeah,” he says as they arrive at the ready set table, Kenny sitting at the head, Janae to his right, and Victor standing behind the chair next to her, “yeah, it is.”

“Long time no see, Benjamin,” Kenny says as Benji walks over to him. 

“My apologies, sir, work has me busy and--

“I see Victor more than you,” Kenny interjects, “and I’ve known him less--

“Victor?” Benji says, confused and surprised. 

“I run into him when I stop by Janae’s and--

“Hush,” Janae says, “take your place at the table, and let’s begin dinner.” 

Kenny sits at the head with the couples divided on either side of him. Benji takes in the way Janae and Victor exchange their secret smiles with each other. He’ll have to revisit that later, he thinks to himself as Kenny says, “While this holiday’s establishment is rooted in ignoring the displacement of the original inhabitants of this land and overlooking the trafficking of many of our ancestors, the gratitude of our abundance of love,” he says squeezing his daughter’s hand, “family, and friendship,” he says holding Benji’s gaze, “are worthy of the gratitude, which we will each express, as we pay solemn respects to the lies that lead to the truth of this moment.” 

Victor breathes  _ Woah _ , as he’s not used to Kenny’s feelings about the holiday. Benji watches him see if he’ll say anything. He doesn’t. 

“I’m grateful,” Gwen begins, “for a year of fruitful struggle, another wonderful year with my family, and the hope in its growth and its continued healing.”

“I’m grateful,” Benji begins after Gwen squeezes his hand, “for second chances, the teachers of joy and wonder I encounter in my classrooms, and for the continued support of the family I choose and the family that chooses me back.”

Kenny follows with, “I am grateful that, despite the continued struggles of our peoples, we hold onto the everyday joys of loving each other and lifting each other, because it gives us the strength to keep going.”

“I’m grateful for,” Victor begins, “for new friends, for second chances, and for the love that’s rooting me here.” 

Victor holds Benji’s gaze and mouths I love you. 

Janae clears her throat and says, “I am grateful for the food we eat, all the hands that helped it get to our table, the company we keep, and the challenge to make sure we are not the only ones with such good fortune.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this makes everyone's Thursday. For those who are now in the US Happy Indigenous People's Day :)   
> For those not sure whose land you're on, here's a resource   
> https://native-land.ca/


	37. Closeness is enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> brief flashbacks to explain what was happening between Victor, Janae, and Kenny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to look stuff up for reasons bc I wanted to be historically accurate. I mention people and details that are specific to preliminary searches

Victor’s Saturdays between birthdays and holiday plans, provide him the opportunity to hang out with Kenny. With Benji’s estrangement from his family of origin, Kenny’s the father stand-in, Janae and Gwen Benji’s chosen sisters, with whom Victor needs to a) ask permission to marry Benji and b) ask for support in planning an engagement. 

Kenny, the first time time he asked, over coffee, laughed and said, “He’s not mine to give away--

“Well,” Victor says, “you are the only family of his I know and your approval means the world to me.” 

Kenny, like a respectful man shakes his head and says, “I didn’t even give Gwen permission for Janae--

Victor shrugs and Kenny smiles, chuckles to himself again and says, “my daughters would not have brought you home or encouraged him to pursue you if they didn’t feel you could take care of him.”

“Thank you for Kenny.”

The week after, when he runs by them, Janae steps out and asks, “You’re not planning on a birthday or holiday proposal, are you?”

Victor shakes his head no, “I want it to be a day, a moment that’s important for the both of us. I mean we haven’t really talked about  _ marriage  _ even though we’re talking about moving in together and adopting kids...I know I have to be the one to--

“You’re right about that,” Janae had said wiping her hands on her apron, “after last fall...he still doesn’t know how much he can ask of you.”

“But we’re back together and--

“And he hasn’t forgiven himself for not dealing with his shit before beginning to let you in,” Jane explains as they sit next to Kenny, “like he rushed into it getting lost in what was too good to be true--

“We both did,” Victor says with a shrug, “I mean I  _ want  _ to be the one who asks him because I dunno if he has it in him to  _ want  _ the whole thing. I mean, I know that the state wants to give people the right to refuse us--I mean Senator Loeffler just…

“Yeah,” Janae says, “organizations have the right to choose and while it’s not illegal for us to adopt, HRC is slow on the updates as to which local agencies would allow us to--

“I’ve started the research,” Victor says, “you know, so--I dunno, I know it won’t be overnight and I feel like because we can choose, we can use the time to search as an opportunity to stabilize our home for our future kids…”

“Your optimism is endearing,” Janae says, “really.”

“I love the hope in building a family with him,” Victor says smiling in the distance, “I can’t wait to be a dad with him, whenever that happens.”

  
  


By their Thursday dinner, Victor feels as integrated into the clan as he can get. Spending weeks of Saturdays catching up with Benji’s chosen family, the people who helped him believe in love again have provided further insight into how much he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with Benji. It’s hard to not give that away, walking around their kitchen like it’s his, sitting with Janae and her family like he doesn’t know a time he hadn’t. Benji’s cuddly and soft and comfortable. Their second attempt has allowed them to, in some respects, pick up where they left off and yet, somehow, there are days it still feels new. 

Sitting across from Benji at his family’s table, partaking of the veganizing of a troubling holiday feels so much like family, like home. Benji slides his foot and rests it next to Victor’s even as he’s lost in a story Janae is telling about a new frequent customer who’s having verbal responses to whatever work he does in the cafe. An entertaining though sometimes annoying person who finds home in her cafe. They stay there until the signs of sleep are present in Kenny’s eyes. 

In the morning, waking up in Benji’s room that has given them a glimpse of how they would navigate a shared space, it feels like a new normal, Benji’s hair sweeping across his face, his plump lips in a sleep-induced grin of ease and relaxation. Victor lays there, quietly taking in the contentment of the boy--the man--he wants to grow old with and wonder how Benji will gray over time, whether it’ll be streaks or all at once. He knows that he may go bald, either starting in the middle of his head or a receding hairline. It hasn’t hit him yet and, while he doesn’t know what will happen with Benji’s hair because he doesn’t have his grandparents serving as indicators, he believes Benji’s hair will gray but stay as lush and silky as Victor finds it that morning. 

Even if Benji’s hair grows thin, Victor knows he will love him, and fiddle with the soft hairs at the top of his neck. Victor will still trace the perfect curve of his ears to pull his face into a kiss. Victor will still finds comfort in how, despite being asleep, Benji will skirt himself towards him, to bury his head under Victor’s. Even in his sleep, Benji breathes him in, sighs of relief and contentment, and the kind of trust and closeness that says fuck you to time, because this, this closeness is enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GA adoption expects marriage regardless of orientation; I didn't want to look up whether or not GA's efforts of giving orgs the right to refuse letting us (same-sex couples) adopt legal. Loeffler DID give this quarter's salary to an anti-LGBTQ org, which is why the January run off election for the seat she currently occupies is relevant. LMK if I should post links to helping turn her seat blue )and relatively more LGBT friendly)  
>  In what is know the US (America) same sex couples right to adopt varies by state and, in a state like GA, varies by county. How dare anything think our desire to parent is a danger to kids who want to be loved, who want to be wanted.   
> Okay, that's my political rant.


	38. Staying home for the holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But what about getting married,” Benji asks biting his lips, “we haven’t talked about it--  
> “Because I want it to be a surprise, mi amor.”  
> “So, you want that?”  
> Victor nods, “I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear,” Victor says, “that I do want everything with you and that I didn’t want to talk about it because I want to surprise you; sweep you off your feet, grand gesture and everything .”  
> “Oh,” Benji says, “I think I just got worried because of the Christmas decorating and--
> 
> OR   
> At Victor's, Benji and Victor talk about their fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting everyone :); work has finally slowed down and here's the next chapter.

“So,” Benji says as he brings out the vegan loaf to Victor’s dining table, “you’re okay with not going anywhere for Christmas?”

Victor brings out serving silverware and answers, “of course. I mean, it’s nice to be low key...just us.”

Victor’s smile is small yet reassuring. “I mean I’d be down to having the holiday season next year on our own as well, so we can use to our house and winding down from, you know--

“Yeah,” Benji says, taking his seat, “so do you want a real or fake wreath for the door?”

“I mean,” Victor says, setting the spoon in the roasted potatoes and mac & cheese, “if we get an artificial one, we won’t have to worry about replacing it next year. Though, when we have our home, I wouldn’t mind real trees every year, as long as it’s an environmentally friendly seller, you know--

“Yeah,” Benji says taking in their Christmas decor, “I mean with you moving in a couple of months, we couldn’t get all out but I hope--

“This isn’t all out,” Victor asks scanning the room, “garland on the windows, a small prelit tree in the foyer, Christmas towels, and pillows--

“I love Christmas!” Benji says, “and it’s not like my place isn’t decorated either. I just figured it’d be easier to pack stuff up here since, you know--

“We haven’t even settled on a house yet,” Victor says, “or a neighborhood--

“Well,” Benji says, serving himself, “we haven’t also talked about the obvious?”

“What obvious?”

In all of their talk of kids, moving in together and coming up with a list of houses, they hadn’t talked about the fact that Georgia doesn’t let people foster to adopt without being married. “That,” Benji begins as she forks salad onto his plate, “that we need to get married before we adopt from the system--I mean, that’s the way we both wanna go, right?”

Victor looks at him and tilts his head to the side, “Yeah?”

“I mean,” Benji continues, “so you do know that--

“Yes,” Victor says before taking a spoonful of food.

“And so how do you wanna--

“Are you proposing, B?” Victor asks crossing his brows. 

“Me--no, I mean--

“Because I’d assume you want it more romantic than  _ this  _ conversation--

“Well,” Benji says feeling the heat rise up to his face, “I”m sorry, I mean, yeah, no, it should be romantic--

“And not on Christmas,” Victor asks taking in another bite, “because that’d be too cheesy--

“Well,” Benji says, “I’d want it to be its own special day, you know, maybe a day we’d want to revisit for the ceremony and then we’d have to worry about the license given how conservative Georgia is, even though it’s great we’re in Atlanta but--

“Exactly,” Victor says, with a slight shrug and his known smile.

“So,” Benji says, “should we talk about it?”

“Pretty sure we just did,” Victor says, taking a sip of his water. 

“No,” Benji insists, “I talked a lot and you’ve just been giving me one-word answers.”

“Mhm.”

“Why have you been giving me one-word answers, Victor? This is serious,” Benji says.

“I know,” Victor says. 

“So, can you give me something to go off here?” Benji asks, “something more than one or two-word answers.”

“Do you want to propose to me?” Victor asks, setting his silverware down.

“That’s what you’re asking--

“Well,” Victor says, reaching out his hand to Benji, “do you?”

Benji takes in Victor’s question. In the midst of his series of questions, Victor had been calm, cool, and collected when not amused. His hand was soft over his, Victor’s thumb smoothing the webbed flesh on the inside of his thumb. “I dunno,” Benji says. “I mean of course I wanna marry you--

“And don’t you deserve to be surprised?” Victor says, “Swept off your feet?”

Benji shrugs. 

“What are you worried about, B?”

“That we  _ haven’t  _ talked about it,” Benji says, taking in a deep breath, “should we talk about it, how and when?”

“How and when you want to be surprised, mi vida?”

“No,” Benji said shaking his head, “when we get married and--

“Shouldn’t we get engaged first, in a sweeter way than this awkward conversation?”

“Yeah,” Benji says, “but we’re moving in together in a few months and--

“Are you nervous about that?” Victor asks. Leaning back into his chair, his face changes expression. 

“Of course, not, babe,” Benji says leaning forward, “I just…I wanna make sure you want this, all of this?”

“Claro que si, Carino,” Victor says getting out of his chair. 

Benji watches as he squats next to him and says, “I know we’re getting closer to being in each other’s every day, and there’s nothing I want more, you know that, right?”

Benji nods, “I just can’t believe we didn’t talk about the whole married thing earlier, I mean, unless we do surrogacy, we kind of have to be and, we’re gonna have to really read up on which agencies will work for us because...you know--

“I know,” Victor says running his fingers through his hair, “I’m in this with you, B, and we can start calling Lambda Legal and making calls, about the fostering, right?”

“But what about getting married,” Benji asks biting his lips, “we haven’t talked about it--

“Because I want it to be a surprise, mi amor.”

“So, you want that?”

Victor nods, “I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear,” Victor says, “that I  _ do  _ want everything with you and that I didn’t want to talk about it because I want to surprise you; sweep you off your feet, grand gesture and everything .”

“Oh,” Benji says, “I think I just got worried because of the Christmas decorating and--

“Do you want to know how I intend to propose?” Victor asks, setting his hand on Benji, “would that help you feel more secure?”

Benji shakes his head, unable to not smile, “I want you to surprise me.”

He rests his forehead against Victor’s head, “I’m sorry.”

“Why? We’re doing a lot...and I remember where we were a year ago.”

“Yeah,” Benji breathes, looking down, “me, too.”

“And we’ve come a long way,” Victor says lifting Benji’s chin. 

Benji finds his eyes so soft, and gentle. He can’t help but wrap his arms around his boyfriend, “I’m scared,” he admits. 

Victor leads him to the couch, “Let’s talk about those fears,” Victor suggests.

“Can we talk the worst and best-case scenarios?” Benji asks as he sits. 

Victor follows, bringing Benji against his chest, running his fingers through his hair. “Marriage, adoption, living together or--

“All of them,” Benji says, “because living together means managing finances together, chores together, and you becoming a vegan like, full-time.” 

“Okay,” Victor says, “and if I want non-vegetarian food, I’ll eat it either away from home or have a series of pots and pans that I use for non-vegetarian things?”

“Out of the house preferred,” Benji says, snuggling in close, “I wanna kiss vegan lips at home.”

“Okay,” Victor says, “I can live with that. And we’ll clean the rooms we were in before we go to bed...we can either do deep cleans once a month?”

“That makes sense,” Benji says folding the fingers of one hand with Victor’s fingers, “and only use non-toxic cleaning supplies and have wipes in every restroom of the house, you know, but use washable rags for non-toilet cleaning, right?”

“I like it,” Victor says, kissing the top of Benji’s head, “so we’re planning and not talking worst or best-case scenarios, you know that, right?”

Benji nods. He turns his head up to Victor and says, “I mean I think those were the non-negotiables--my vegan-ness and your tidiness, right? The marriage and kid stuff is the hard stuff--

“And the finances,” Victor says, “our mortgage should be thirty percent of what we bring home and I feel like it should be thirty percent of our current full-time jobs in the case that we end up making more or less--

“So I should still try to do listens outside the house, even though I’ll have access to my piano--I was thinking we should get a piano room--

“Me, too, babe, but then I’m also thinking about how many bedrooms we’ll need for our kids and if we ever want to host the holidays or friends visiting, right?”

“But not next year?” Benji asks sitting up.

“I do not want to host anyone our first year of living together,” Victor admits, “I want it to be just us, you know, and I mean friends in town are different but hosting? It’s cleaning up and being available and reclaiming our house afterward--Pilar’s told me enough about the work and I remember what it was like when mom hosted people, so…

“Yeah,” Benji says, “that’s a lot of work--

“And pricey,” Victor says, “the extra food, electricity, the gas we use, gifts, and...so we’ll always need to budget for the holidays and for events, so they don’t hurt us too much.”

“So,” Benji says, “that’s what you mean by finances?”

“Are you looking at how much you spend on each item every year, I mean,” Victor says pulling out his phone, “my bank lets me know the dominant themes I spend on each area of my life and it’s helped me put money aside for my half of the down payment and then figure out how much I can spend on other things and when I can splurge and--

“Your bank helps you figure that out?” he asks, “can I see?”

Victor pulls his phone to his chest, “Not yet. And we’ll eventually have to talk about joint checking...when we wanna do it, whether or not we want to have  _ all  _ our money in there or just the average of how much we’ll be spending on living together and--

“Why wouldn’t we just put all our money together?”

“Because then if we got each other presents,” Victor says rolling his eyes, “we’d be able to see how much we spent and--

“Is that why you wouldn’t let me look at your bank app--because you don’t want me to go snooping--

“Yes,” Victor answers, cheeks turning red.

“You already got my Christmas gift,” Benji asks, biting his lip in excitement, “is it under the tree--

“I pay attention, babe,” Victor says sliding his phone in his pocket. “And no,” Victor says blinking, “they’re not. You’re a silly person when it comes to Christmas, aren’t you?”

Benji nods, “My mom was a caroler and Christmas cookie maker and--

Victor leans back and settles into the couch, “so Christmas, mom, future planning, huh?”

“Yeah,” Benji says, face warming quickly. 

“Keep telling me about you and your mom did,” Victor says reaching out his hand. 

“But dinner?”

“Dinner can wait, mi vida,” Victor says, “you haven’t really talked about your mom and the holidays with me. That feels more important.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooooooo, what did you think? Thank you for stopping by and yes, I will be writing a 'Christmas Day' chapter bc we deserve the fluff and I am watching Hallmark movies for research ;) ;)


	39. A Venji Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, fluff, and all the fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Christmas, this chapter's a little long bc I couldn't do just one Christmas fluff scene with these guys.

On their way to his car, Victor takes Benji’s flowers from him, so that his hands can accept the embrace of his students as they leave the school. Benji’s face must be hurting from so much smiling, then again, this had been the first concert Benji had organized for his students. Benji’s lessons had somehow gotten integrated into the school’s Christmas pageant, allowing them to showcase what his work had done for their students. Benji’s students love him, Victor can see, and his heart can’t help but swell at the sight of young ones yelling out to him and running to hug him.  
Parents aren’t weird about their proximity, the obvious non-touching closeness that subtly says, yes we’re together. He wasn’t worried, he admits to himself as he hands Benji back his flowers. Still, it’s a relief that Benji works in a friendly environment that celebrate the love he has for his students while respecting the love he could have for Victor. “I can’t believe you had time to get me flowers,” Benji says as they slide into the car.  
“I mean,” Victor says, offering Benji a half grin, “you had to be here an hour before it started, so I had time.”  
“Thank you,” Benji says, bringing them to his nose for the third time that night, “they’re beautiful.”  
“So are you,” Victor says, “I love seeing you with your students. They know you believe in them completely and trust you to guide them...each one of them sought your face during their performance...and if I wasn’t a student I wouldn’t have picked up on it--but once they see you, they know they’re great. I can imagine you smiling at them or mouthing words of encouragement--  
“Which I do, I mean, for many of them, it’s the first time they’re performing in front of so many people and it’s just...delightful. I’m pretty sure that next year the school is going to try to find a way to open the music program to more students. Miss Albright has said that the PTA wants to invite me to their next meeting in January--  
“That’s great, B,” Victor says, reaching out his hand for Benji’s.  
“Thanks,” Benji says, “now I gotta think about how much time I want to dedicate to, you know, because we’re moving in together soon and...and I don’t want to be all work all the time, you know?”  
Victor nods as he drives up to Benji’s street, “I support whatever makes you happy, B, you know that.”  
“Thanks,” Benji says. “I’m so glad we have left overs.”  
“Me, too,” Victor says as he parks in front of the house. “It’s been a long day.”

**  
They decide to spend Christmas Eve at Victor’s because they spent more time decorating there. As much as they had lived and loved on each other at Benji’s, Benji insisted they spend their first Christmas in a place that they weren’t borrowing. Victor’s relieved, considering the number of gifts he’d bought for Benji and the items he’d have to subtly return to him. For example, Victor needed to set out Benji’s drawing notebook in the midst of Benji unloading his clothes in his drawers. So when Benji says, “I’ve been looking for this,” on opening his top drawer, Victor shrugs because, of course Benji leaves his items at Victor’s, it’s not like Victor took it and had someone stencil in his drawings to design portfolios or a writing notebook cover with matching messenger bag patch.  
Oh wait, he did.  
Victor pulls out a glass bottle filled with a recipe for vegan condensed milk as Benji makes himself comfortable on the couch. “I can’t believe I left this here,” he says holding up his sketchbook, I was thinking of...never mind.”  
“Thinking of?” Victor asks, looking at him from his side of the counter.  
“I dunno, I wanted to draw something of a Christmas scene, sketch it out and give it to you for Christmas.”  
“You being here is enough, babe,” Victor says.  
“You just like watching over me while you cook for me,” Benji chides, “and because I make your furniture look good.”  
“I hear no lies,” Victor says as he rummages for the vanilla extract and cinnamon sticks.  
“What are you making over there?”  
“I found a vegan recipe for this drink my mom’s family makes for the holidays,” Victor says, “a Puerto Rican egg nog. It tastes good warm or cold, but we drink it cold.”  
“Alcohol free?”  
“Of course, B,” Victor says putting the coconut cream, coconut condensed milk and the other ingredients--ground cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and chia seed eggs--in a blender.  
Once it’s done being mixed, Victor grabs two tumblers from his cabinet, throws in a couple cubes of ice each before pouring coquito into each glass.  
He meets Benji on the couch, Benji scooting to give Victor room behind him to sit. After Victor hands him a drink, he gets in the space Benji provided him.  
He watches Benji take a sip, “This is really good, Victor, thank you.”  
“I just wanted to share one of my Christmas traditions with you,” Victor says setting his glass down so he can run his fingers through Victor’s hair.  
“Mmm,” Benji hums, leaning into Victor’s touch. “Is it okay that it’s just us for the holidays.”  
“Of course, B,” Victor says, “you know that?”  
“I know we talked about it,” Benji says, “I just...having you as a family makes me want to have more family and yet I know, I know being low key is what I need and I just wanna make sure that--  
“You’re all I want for Christmas, Benji,” Victor says as Benji tilts his head toward Victor’s eyes. “Being with you and wanting you and figuring out how to pack so we can move into a house we’ll need to start looking for is all I want this Christmas, because we’re gonna have so many more to spend with everyone else. And the Christmases we spend just us are going to make the Christmases we share that much sweeter…”  
“Okay,” Benji says, setting his book down, “how do you feel about opening a gift tonight?”  
Victor studies his face, “sure.”  
“But I don’t want to open a gift,” Benji says, “because your reaction will be gift enough--  
“Uh oh,” Victor says as he watches Benji grab a couple boxes from under the tree. “That’s a lot of pressure--  
As Benji hands him a box, Benji says, “you love everything from me, so I’m not worried.”  
Victor chuckles, “You’re absolutely right,” he then says as he slides his fingers under the ribbon, “but that you are opening a gift from you to you the same time I am leads me to having an idea of what…  
“Just open it,” Benji says, “and you’re going tortuously slow--  
“You know I like it slow sometimes,” Victor says, slowing his pace, making sure to open without ripping the wrapping paper.  
“I hope you’re teasing me right now,” Benji says as he lays with his bare box on his lap, “because this won’t fly tomorrow morning.”  
“Fine,” Victor says speeding up his hands to catch up to Benji, “but that’ll cost you later.”  
“I don’t care,” Benji says, as Victor begins to rip around the tape keeping the box closed.  
Benji follows suit and they both pull out Christmas plaid pajama pants with pictures of their first I love you hike as globed ornaments hanging in thin air. Victor throws his head back in laughter, “There’s a matching shirt, too,” Benji says, biting his lip.  
“I LOVE these,” Victor says fishing out the shirt, “we gotta wear them tonight and take our pictures in them tomorrow morning. Oh, my God, these are hilarious!”  
“I’m glad you like them,” Benji says cheeks red, smile stretching from ear to ear. “I wanted one of the drawings I had of us but I couldn’t find my book in time and then I found this picture from last year and even though it took us a while to get here, I still feel that day was special enough because I’ve loved you since that day and I don’t ever wanna stop and--  
Victor silences him with a kiss, Benji’s monologue perfectly nervous and wonderful and sweet. “Merry Christmas, Benji.”  
“Te quiero, mi vida,” Benji says, leaning his forehead against Victor’s.  
“Your Spanish is getting good, mi amor,” Victor says pecking his nose.  
“I’m practicing.” 

***

Victor wakes up, slides his pj shirt back on, making his way to the kitchen to start the coffee and pancakes. He’s in the middle of flipping his fifth pancake when he hears Benji make his way to the bathroom, teeth brushing echoing in the hallway. “You didn’t wake me, Victor,” Benji says on getting to the kitchen’s entryway.  
“Merry Christmas,” Victor says laying the completed pancake on the plate and walking towards his boyfriend.  
“Hmm,” Benji says nestling in Victor’s arms, “you wake me when you wake up next Christmas, deal?”  
“Deal,” Victor says kissing his forehead, “bring these to the table so I can brush my teeth and kiss you properly.”  
“Ugh,” Benji says, “reasons to wake me up when you do--  
“And you’re gonna tell me Merry Christmas first thing Christmas morning,” Victor says before closing the bathroom door behind him. 

He arrives to see Benji’s plate and coffee mug abandoned on the living room floor, as the beautiful boy is bent under the Christmas tree counting his presents. “How many do you have down there?”  
“One from your mom, I know Gwen and Janae want us over there New Year’s Eve which is when we’ll get theirs… Felix got us one together. As did Lake. And,” Benji says setting a small stack on the coffee table, “you gave me four.”  
“The four that are out here--  
“Victor!”  
“Come eat,” Victor says, “and then we can open presents.”  
“You’re lucky I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, Mister Salazar.”  
“The luckiest--  
“Eat quick so we can open gifts--  
“Noted,” Victor says.  
Benji makes his way to the table, leaving the gifts as he stacked them. He leans down to kiss Victor on the lips. When he straightens up, he says, “Merry Christmas, love of my life.”  
“Much better, B,” Victor says cutting his pancakes, “Merry Christmas.”

Both of their gifts for each other were equally sentimental. Benji had gotten Victor an e-frame filled with pictures of them throughout their time together. The frame included pictures from his phone as well as Benji’s. “And it’s big enough so we can hang it on a main wall here or in our new home, that’s why I got it that size.”  
“I love it, B,” Victor says, reaching over to kiss him.  
“And adding new pictures won’t be difficult at all, too.”  
Benji opened the smallest box from Victor first. It was small as in thin. In it, he found the personalized pleather clad sketchbook. Victor personalized it with Benji’s drawing of an acoustic guitar leaning against a piano on the corner. Each page had the same logo at the bottom right corner too. “I had it done so that whenever it’s full, you can slide a new one in--  
“Victor,” Benji breathed, eyes watering, “this is beautiful.”  
“And it’s animal cruelty free, too,” Victor adds.  
The larger box contains a songbook, “Since you’re getting really serious about music--well, you’ve always been serious--in case you ever wanna start writing again, I wanted to get you paper with a personalized touch, too.”  
Victor takes in Benji’s awed, bright red face, his hands smoothing against his name at the top. “I do miss arranging music and...and playing with the band…”  
“That’s how we met,” Victor says, “I know how important music is to you and I wanna make sure you always--  
Benji kisses him before he can finish what he’s saying. It’s rushed at first, then Benji eases his lips on him once he’s established his hands on Victor’s thighs for leverage. Victor runs his fingers through his hair, smiling throughout the kiss.  
When Benji slowly pulls himself away, he says, “You can’t let me open all my presents at once, here’s one of yours.”  
Victor takes the clothing shaped box Benji hands him, opens it faster than the first of the morning and last night’s, albeit still careful with the paper. “This is light…”  
Benji shrugs and smiles as Victor pulls a folder out of the box.  
“Lambda Legal…”  
“After my freak out,” Benji begins as Victor examines the paperwork, “I did more research and got all my questions answered--  
“When?”  
“Lunch hour and a couple cancelled lessons,” Benji answers. “If you rifle through, I also made a time table and budget chart of what we would need to consider and have set aside for the cost of adoption and how that may be a factor in the house we chose either in terms of the mortgage or in terms of the size depending on the neighborhood. I mean I know that we’ll pick the house together and take adoption classes together, I just wanted to present you with a clear outline of---  
“Benji,” Victor breathes, “this is...wow…”  
“I mean, I know I let you do a lot of the planning and--  
“I love it,” Victor says, swallowing, vision blurring with happy tears.  
“I know it can feel early and it’s going to take a while, but I’m not--I’m not scared of our lives together…”  
Before Victor can lean in to kiss him, Benji’s under the tree. “And here,” Benji says, offering him a small box.  
“You’re not proposing--  
“No,” Benji giggled, “we agreed you were doing that...and not on a holiday because we’re not that cheesy.”  
“We’re pretty cheesy,” Victor says.  
“But our engagement will be a day all on its own, you said--  
“I did, mi vida,” Victor says as he takes the bow off the box. He begins to ask, “is there a story with this one?”  
Benji shrugs, “open it already.”  
Victor opens it, a nondescript box, and pulls out a set of cuff links with a V interlaced through a capital B. “For special occasions?”  
“You know,” Benji says inching towards him, “whenever you have to wear a suit…”  
“I love your whimsy--  
“I am definitely under the influence,” Benji says tipping his head. 

They go through the rest of their gifts, making sure to take pictures of the less personal one to then send to the others. They pose with their friends’ and family members’ gifts and send the picture to all their closest contacts. After putting the trash out, and setting the dishes to wash, they review the adoption research Benji had done and begin to look through local house listings based on their findings. “You know,” Benji says, “if it gets really difficult to live here or adopt and you wanted to move, I know Georgia is not ideal for us in terms of--  
“We’ll figure it out, mi amor,” Victor says, “we have time and who knows, maybe one day Georgia will be blue enough to make this easier when we have the money saved....  
“Hopefully....”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? I know I got a little 'political' at the end. Georgia went blue 💙💙💙 1/6 was a difficult day otherwise. All feelings abt what happened are valid. 
> 
> I’ll be posting the next chapter in February. 
> 
> Take care of yourselves and breathe.


End file.
